THE "NEW" ROOTS. INFORMATIVE OR INFLAMMATORY? AND WHY NOW?

NO ONE RACE, NATIONALITY OR CULTURE OWNS THE RIGHTS ON SUFFERING.

Okay. So I woke up this morning with a bug up my ass. My husband and I watched the New Roots mini-series which ended last night.

When it was over, I got on line and looked up Alex Haley. I wanted to know who his grandfather was and why he didn't get more specific about his parents and grandparents in the "after-story".



Wiki gave his bio. All of the story about Kuna Kinte was unable to be substantiated. They said it was highly unlikely that he would have found the village his people came from. The only  actual information that was available was after the Civil War and at best, even that was sketchy.



It was a well crafted tale. At the beginning, I had asked my husband how Haley had known any of this. He told me about the custom of the story telling narrative.  Which I thought, okay. Makes sense.  Although, since nearly every member of his family knew how to write, as I have now been informed, it makes less sense.

JUST MY OPINIONS:

I'm not going to critique the series. This is just my gut reaction and thinking about what I saw.

I cried at the moving pieces. I felt bad for the family when they were separated so many times.

I kept looking for some decent white people. Apparently the only one was a female spy who got hung by her husband for her troubles. Well, the other two who may have been "decent", were too weak to speak out. And so what I saw was a one-sided, anti-white story that to my mind, would only create more divisiveness that there currently is. And rather than improving over the past several years, race relations have just been going downhill. Why throw gasoline on a fire?


who was risking their lives to get slaves to the north?

Do you remember that I have referred to myself as a Liberal Jew?  That means that I take the side of the under dog, because that's what my people had been since their inception.  I have worked against racism. When I was younger I worked for a Hispanic candidate, and I stood on a corner in front of a store to get people to sign up to vote as Democrats when Obama was running for his first term.  I have fought my own inclinations and worked at not being prejudiced. I certainly have never been a racist. I  have told people that I wouldn't tolerate the use of certain words nor ethnic jokes in my presence. So, how is it that I am now up in arms at this show?

TIMING IS EVERYTHING:

I of course, have no idea how long it took for this project to come into fruition, although it was done by the son of the original producer. He said that his son said the story didn't resonate for him, so his dad wanted the "new generation" to hear the story again. Or maybe as Freud would say, it was due to a son's wanting to outdo his father. But what do I know? Maybe it didn't resonate because 40 years later, we are not the same nation.

Ferguson MO.

In any event, it was made and aired this year. The situation that has been very disturbing to our country has been related to black men being shot and killed by mostly white police officers.  There has been rioting and unrest and the police, not that I'm saying they are innocent, have been taking the brunt of the rage.

I do believe that there are places where the police are executing people and they should be punished. I also believe that the majority of police are not executing innocent people.  I think that many of our police are most likely sociopaths, but so are many of our politicians. However, since we are apparently basically uncivilized, we need someone to keep the law and order.



SO WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD, WOULD WOLPER [the producer], INCLUDE A CIVIL WAR SCENE WHERE THE UNION ARMY IS CAPTURED BY THE REBELS AND THE MEN ARE LINED UP TO BE SHOT, AND THE REBS ONLY SHOT THE BLACKS. HUH?
I'M NOT A HISTORIAN AND THIS MAY HAVE HAPPENED, BUT DOE WE NEED TO DRAG IT UP NOW?


WHAT RELIGION WERE AFRICAN TRIBES BACK IN 1720?

This was taken from the Gambian Information site.

The Mandinka of Gambia are the largest ethnic group of people in the country. They are sometimes referred to as the Mandingo,  Malinke or Mande and make up 42% of the population of Gambia.

They are widespread throughout the whole of West Africa particularly in Mali, Senegal and Guinea. In the second half of the 19th century the Mandinka converted to Islam until today it can be said that 99% are Muslims. Their musical hallmark is the Kora followed by the Balafon which griots and 'Jalis' use to narrate Mandinka history.
THEREFORE,  It would not have been possible for Kunta to have been a Muslim. His people didn't become Muslims for  100 years.  Why put that in the story when our country is so anti-Muslim?  Are they trying to bait someone?

west African religious ritual

what about what's going on in Africa right now?

As I write this, there are atrocities being committed in Africa. Tribe against Tribe. I do not believe that we can imagine living the lives of these people.
I am mostly uninformed by choice. I have probably mentioned that I have chosen to live in a cave when it comes to news. I don't like to know what is going on in this insane world since it only upsets me, and I have learned there is very little I can do about it. I have supported a different woman in Africa through the Women for Women foundation for quite a few years. One person at a time. That's all I can do.
darfur

I can't bear to know what goes on because I hurt inside because I don't understand the hate. Although, from my rant, you'd think I was a hater.

I'm not. What I am is fearful. I am afraid that we are being manipulated to hate. It's really easy to do since the "roots" of fear are genetic.

DOES ANY ONE ETHNIC GROUP OR RACE HAVE MORE OF A RIGHT THAN ANOTHER TO CLAIM THAT THEIR SUFFERING WAS WORSE?

Again, just my view, but Hell no. Just look at our good allies, the British. I've been watching Outlander which gives an account of how the English treated the Scottish.  And oh. I do recall when I was growing up, how the IRA, Irish Republican Army was still trying to get the British out of their country.

Charles, I'd like a piece of the Mediterranean, if you please.

The Imperial Nation of England was quite an Empire in its time. Even in the New Roots, they did show a bit of the Revolutionary War. Of course for the slaves it was ironic since the Americans wanted their freedom and couldn't see that having slaves was pretty much the same thing. Well, not really.

HAS THERE EVER BEEN A TIME WHEN SLAVERY DID NOT EXIST?




I'm going out on a limb and taking a guess. I'd venture the answer is no.  And, if you think about it, we're all still slaves. Slaves to wages, mortgages, car payments, jobs, families, you name it. No one is "free".

WHAT HAS THIS TO DO WITH THE PRICE OF EGGS?

Not a damned thing. I'm just ranting. I am  sick of watching the world fall apart. I'm worried about my own people getting wiped off the face of the earth. Also, why is it that  Blacks hate Jews. I know I've been told one reason for that. Allegedly it was because they were the only white people the blacks had contact with after the slave days. They were the shop keepers and landlords. I don't know if that's true or not.

If anything, the Jewish communities I knew, were the ones who fought hardest to help the Blacks obtain their civil rights. A friend of mine lost her cousin who was one of the four boys who "disappeared" in Mississippi.  And yet they hate us more than any other whites. Okay, maybe they hate the skin heads more. Well, fear them more.

ENOUGH!

I feel better. I got it out of my system. I will end with a famous quote from a Black Man who was beaten for no reason.

"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?" Rodney King.

WHY DON'T THE LAWS OF GRAVITY WORK ON WRINKLED LAUNDRY?

Right to it.
My plan for yesterday was to lie out in the sun on the lanai. Deck, I suppose for non-Floridians.
It took some time to get my things together and while I was doing that I remembered that I had two loads of laundry to do.

I put in one and went about taking care of putting on sunscreen and getting my iPod and bathing suit.

I was on my way out when I heard the buzzer. Waaaaaaah. The first load was done. I put it in the drier and turned it on. I put in the second load of laundry, and out I went.


I lay in the sun for some time. Which for me is something I love, and also a feat. As you know, I can't stay still. I think that's why I usually do gardening or cleaning outside before I lie down. Then I'm tired enough to lie there.  I did go in and out of the pool. It was a beautiful day.



It was really hot in the sun. I went in the pool which had no more ants. Lovely.
I got out and lay back down. It was around noon when I had finally made my way out. I try not to stay out too long for as you know, only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noon day sun. Sorry Brits. Don't know who wrote it, but it does have a nice ring to it.

My husband came back from wherever he'd been. His wrist was paining him terribly from all the fishing and kayaking so he'd taken the day off. He came out onto the lanai with a rod and reel. He had switched the reel so he could cast with his non-hurting hand. He was having trouble because he couldn't use his bad hand to guide the line. Or something like that, I don't fish.

We had a little banter about him hitting me as he was hitting the screen and missing the pool. After he went in I decided it was probably best to come in so I didn't burn.

I don't even know what possessed me. That must be the word. I am/was possessed by the need to "just" rinse off the furniture in the lanai under the roof. That's my favorite phrase. I'm "just" going to prune one bush. I'm just going to pick the weeds in the front of the yard. I'm "just" going to pretend that I can stop in the midst of doing something. Yeah. That's me.

Call me "just".       

                  

I pulled out one chair. (that God I had washed the cushions recently or this would be my obituary). Then I pulled out the table. I put all the cushions in the corner.

For some reason, I came into the house and it was probably to throw away something, for I passed into the garage, from the laundry room and crap.  I hadn't taken out the clothes from the drier. So, I did what I do not usually do. I just dumped them in the laundry basket and put the next load in to dry.

Then back I went to spend the next hour and a half cleaning the inside part of the lanai. My muscles were still in a twist from Yoga and the day before when I scrubbed the pavers. But never you mind. I finished what I had to do. Had to. Notice that word. I don't "had" to do anything. I hobbled in and took a shower and washed my hair.

'Twas then I remembered the laundry. I dried off and went in and put the next batch in the drier. Of course I couldn't lie down until I had put all the cleaning things back where they belonged. I finally lay  down at 3:30.  Then the drier buzzer went off. There was no way in hell I was getting up. For me, this was a proud moment.


You see, up until a few months ago, I would have had to take the laundry out and fold it and put it away before I could do anything else. I'm making progress. I'm learning to let it sit.

I got up after less than an hour, which is good. Too much napping is bad. I did at some point recall the drier and so I went in and folded what had been in it.
The good news was it was mostly sheets and a couple of towels. They weren't too bad. I looked at the basket of clothes, and said to myself, "no way".

Which leads me to my question.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR GRAVITY TO WORK?

I just got up and threw out the recyclables. And passed by the Basket. It called to me and so I just hung up all of what had been in it. This is the way I've come to do laundry which works well. As I take something from the drier, I hand it up. I hang most of my clothes because I can't find anything in the drawers. Unless you just take out what's on top, you never get to know what's underneath.

And this eliminates a step.  Hand in the laundry room. Transport to the closet. All done.

Except for today. I hung the clothes, mostly shirts, that now looked like I slept in them. I have left them hanging on the doors inside.

Gravity is supposed to pull everything towards the ground. How long do you think it would be for me to leave the laundry like it is before it irons itself out?

That's basically because I don't feel like ironing. My arms and shoulders still ache.  It's a valid question. Right?

EXERCISES IN FUTILITY - APPARENTLY MY FAVORITE KIND ! THE TITLE IS THE SAME, THE CONTENT IS DIFFERENT.

It's another beautiful morning. That's how it is in the tropics. The day will likely bring rain in the afternoon.  Some days, thought it doesn't rain. And that sets up the expectation [hope?] that it won't rain today.

And, that brings us to the widely accepted version of "crazy".  You can all say it together. 

DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT. 

Personally, I would not call that crazy. Not in the clinical sense, since crazy isn't in the diagnostic manual.


It is, however, really, really dumb. So, that would make me, really, really dumb.

The trouble with this problem, is that we, while we are being dumb, are also being blind. It is actually a very easy state to ahieve.

What may look to someone outside the situation as doing the same thing, to me, it looks like something else entirely.

It took me scrubbing the lanai pavers yesterday for me to understand this.
As usual, I went out back with the intention of putting a decorative solar bird outside the cage that is supposed to keep out the bugs and dirt.

Since our pool is not an inside the house pool, the dirt from the garden and preserve blow in. And we also have pavers that we put in when we bought the house.

The couple who lived here before us had two huge Golden Retrievers and the pool was for the dogs.  Instead of having the normal pool decking, they had an "L" shaped grass run inside the lanai. It may have looked pretty, but after trying to keep the grass cut and having most of it in the pool, we decided to change it.

the pavers are around the "back side and let side.

Not having much money, and not knowing any better, we had pavers put in instead.  We did leave one little tiny crescent shaped space for our dog. A tiny Maltese and it worked out fine.

The problem is that we get lots of weeds between the pavers. I know. What has this got to do with anything?  I'm sorry, but I do not know how to tell a story without all the details.

Weeds grow in dirt. The dirt between the pavers. The dirt that makes our lanai look like we don't take care of it. Well, truth is we don't keep on top of it. There's a difference.

I scrubbed that yesterday. There are already two weeds. DUH

So, yesterday, I went out and the gardeners who had cut the bushes around the side of the cage had broken my little wooden water can. I picked it up and "thought "wow", these picks sticking out would be really good to scrape out the dirt and then it should stay cleaner."   This is where a friend would have said, "now hold on there. Think this through. When you are done, will all the dirt be gone? Will it be better for longer than, ten minutes?"

Alas, I was alone. And so I scraped and I scraped and I was hunched over in the hot sun and I brought out the mini shop vac to suck up that dirt. I was afraid to go in the pool to cool off since I was working with an electric machine and the water that would drip would create mud which the vacuum wouldn't suck up.
See. I was thinking on all cylinders. I almost get heat stroke twice. The compulsive part of me won't let me stop. The smarter part, now lets me take breaks.

it hasn't moved itself. it's blurry. no glasses.

I made my way around the pool. I got dirt off those pavers. I was feeling pretty damned good. And hot. I was about to jump in the pool when I realized that the clumps of ants were still floating around.

SHIT!!  My husband was on a Kayak journey and before he left in the early morning, he said he wasn't going to scoop them out because when the pump comes on, they'll go into the filter. I kept my mouth shut. I hoped he was right, but I didn't think so. See. It's so easy to spot when someone else is doing it.

The martyr in me, had wanted my husband to come home while I was still scraping and fainting. That calls for timing. Ours is always good. He came home just as I was cursing him under my breath because I was scooping these fucking ants out of the pool and dumping them outside the door. And guess what. They were still alive!   They started to crawl back towards the open door. I had to get the hose and spray them away, and go back to scooping and of course in my zeal, I seem to have hit the scooper and the screen inside ripped. Now I was scooping up dead/live ants with a screen that ducks could fly through.

It was at this moment that my husband came home. He opened the back slider and said hi, I'm home. My impulse was to hit him with the scooper. Instead, I said something about his theory not working and he went inside.

Not being the heartless bitch I would like to be,  I went in to find him, He had called on the way home and told me how wonderful it had been. How nice of me to ruin it the minute he saw me. oh God. So, I don't think he heard me. I found him coming in from the garage and asked if we could start over and I welcomed him home again, hugging him and saying how happy I was he had a good time.

Okay. So, I have learned and don't always do the same stupid thing. YAY. I can learn.

Well, maybe.  Since I had the hose out I did what I had told myself I wouldn't. I washed some of the pavers. And low and behold. There was still dirt. Also, a thunderstorm had started, but at that point I didn't care if I got hit by lightening.

I sat under the covered part of the lanai and started to cry. I had accomplished nothing. I worked so hard, and for what? What had I really expected?

That was when I realized that "this" is my crazy. Yours is probably different. Mine is to want something. Possibly, something that can't be done the way I try to do it. (I'll explain that later).  And so, I work my ass off, or spend the money for whatever it is that I think will "fix" me, and the result is always the same.
I either end up where I began, or things are worse.

He had to say heartache because evil was already taken.

*the digression. I told my husband last month, or even before that, that I wanted to see if we could do something about the pavers. Either get them taken out and have the whole thing done like the rest of the pool area, or maybe put in sand and definitely, it needed repainting. He listened. I mentioned it once more. Saying it more than once is nagging. This time he asked his friend Bob about it. Bob is in the painting/construction business. He knows about all this stuff. They agreed that Bob would come over and have a look. If you were Jewish, you would understand that I know when Bob will come. He'll show up on Tish'a bov.  That is an obscure holiday that only the really Orthodox keep track of. Actually it's like arbor day which is nice. But, it's the equivalent of when will he come? When hell freezes over, or an equivalent of he will come, but I'm not sure in which lifetime.  That's why I took matters into my own hands.



BUT I DON'T LIKE THE RESULT!!



sometimes, it can't be done over.

 

 

Why was I so upset?  I did the same thing with my cataract surgery. I wanted to be able to see without glasses. Okay. Reading glasses. The doctor hemmed about it, and he should have said, you're asking for something that won't work. Go get another opinion. But he didn't. He said he'd do what he could. Took my 22 hundred bucks and I am waiting on my new prescription for another pair of progressive lenses which is what I started out with. The prescription may be different, but the results are the same.



THEORY ON WHY WE DON'T SEE WHAT WE DO:

so focused on the end, we don't see what is around us.

Each "thing" we do that is a repeat of what we've done before, looks different to the person who's doing it. If I saw it as the same thing, I wouldn't do it again. I'm not stupid. We just don't see the BIG PICTURE. Each event is seen as a separate occurrence or issue. Therefore, it looks different. People who are looking from the outside aren't fooled. However, we can't hear them. We see the little picture. This situation is red. The other was blue. This is round, that was square. They aren't the same. He is not anything like the last guy. She is nothing like my ex-wife.  Etcetera etcetera and so forth.



CONCLUSION:
Do you really want to stop doing the same thing over and over? Do you really want a new result?
You've heard it from me before and you'll probably hear it again. You have to want change in order to make change.

okay. I have choices.

Sometimes that means looking at the bigger picture. Asking yourself questions that you probably know the answers to, but don't want to admit. It also asks for you to look at your life in patterns. What patterns do you see? What themes keep playing out over and over? Do you like the outcomes? Do you want something different? If you do, you have to accept that you are doing something wrong. Not crazy, not dumb. It's just that you have made a mistake and not learned from it. The trouble is recognizing that many of the mistakes aren't different ones. They're like one giant error that you just haven't yet been able to see.


yeah. even me. maybe especially me.

 

 

So, open your eyes and take a GOOD LOOK INSIDE.  Don't worry about you see. It's likely everyone else already does. And, it really isn't all that great to be the last one to know.

WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT INTIMACY, WHY DO THEY THINK ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE REFERRING TO SEX?

Good morning. I hope you all had a nice couple of days. I did which is what brought this topic to mind.

As you know, this is my second marriage. We've been together for 18 years.
My husband has two "children". They were just becoming young adults when we met.

Blended families can be really difficult. Especially when there are young kids involved.  It was easier since the "kids" were still living at school and at home, part time ,with their mom.

Looking back, the thing that made our relationship growth harder was the geographic distance.
It wasn't that far,  but the trips were well over an hour. At least if we went to visit them we could park since they were out near the end of Long Island.

We lived in an apartment in Great Neck where the parking after 4 PM was as bad as Manhattan, except we didn't have parking lots you could pay for.

this was across the street.

I hated to invite people over because after arriving on our block, regardless of the length of your trip, you could drive around nearly as long before finding a spot (that was hopefully legal) and then, have a long walk. So, I thought I was being considerate by not asking.
I never thought that people might think I didn't want them to come around because I didn't care about them. There I'd gone again. Projecting my ideas into the brains of others.

It was also difficult because they were at an age where they were busy enjoying their lives which did not include parental units.

Since I hadn't been lucky enough to have children of my own, I was so happy to have step kids. Whenever we did see them it was always good. I have to say that they accepted me immediately.  His family, is actually pretty terrific. Even his ex-wife. Of course I didn't know that at the time.

Still. I never felt like part of the family. Except for his Mom. I had expected to become intimate with his family,  because, well,  what did I know?

You see, I have problems with intimate relationships. Not the ones you think about right away. Not sex. As a digression, I will say that there are many people who can have really intimate sex instead of a really intimate relationship. But as I always say, that's for another time.  Intimate relationships with friends, family and you know, other human beings.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY "INTIMATE'?

Webster starts with the words fundamental and essential.  Next is, most private and personal.  Having sexual relations is 6th on the list.

I see intimacy as being able to have close, loving relationships with people who are important to me. As I, am hopefully important to them as well. I don't see intimacy as being one sided. It still takes two.
However, I don't actually know what that is. As in, huh ? How do you show your love? Do you tell the person everything you think and feel?  How much time do you need to spend together? How often do you need to talk? I know. It sounds but ridiculous, but then, that is my name.

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS AN ISSUE?

If you've been following along, my upbringing was middle class and not with people who were easily capable if intimacy. Not that I think there is any relationship between class and intimacy.

Whatever closeness we had was the unhealthy kind. My mother was well meaning. Of course it took years of therapy and a 12 step program for me to get there, but I did. That's what matters. (To know that she was well meaning and not just some mean bitch who didn't want me to be happy)
She was very codependent. She wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and that was very invasive. So, I became rather evasive. She did share some of her intimacies with me. Unfortunately, the things she told me, I did not want to know and surely did not need to know.



My dad has his issues as well. Codependence, of course. Is it possible to have one codependent person in a relationship? But his brand of dependency was very different. Home for him was a place, that he didn't spend a whole lot of time. He needed to know it was there and my mom was the anchor. Of course he saw it as an anchor around his neck, even though he had created it. And, although he was out a lot, he was home just enough to make me fearful and untrusting of men.



And of course, my older sister and I were so different and young. So when she up and died it was like I had been given the trifecta nuclear family.

What had I learned about intimate relationships?

1. If you got close to someone, they want to know all your business.
2. If you got close to someone, you couldn't trust them with your feelings or your business. They'd use it against you.
3. If you got close to someone, they  would abandon you; whether by death or desertion, betrayal, it didn't matter. You'd be alone.

 And so, I hobbled my way through my early years. Making poor choices. And making intimate friends who I would ultimately disappoint, do something stupid and lose the relationship. Again, it would take a long time to realize my part in things. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.


I was the proverbial person who was creating all these self-fulfilling prophecies. I just didn't know it.

I think my solution, when I got older, was to become more selective and less intimate with everyone. And much less dependent.

I usually had one  very good friend with whom I could share my life, but the rest. Well, who needed more?

In my mind, I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I allowed more intimate relationships I would become anxious. Too much for me to handle. 

OR

We get to know each other and if you really know me, you'll run. Or you'll  take advantage of me or expect me to be someone I couldn't be. In any case, I'd be left, so why bother?

WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE:

When you are afraid to make friends, you may have a select one or two. Then you worry. What happens when they go south? Actually, my age that means to Florida, but it didn't have that connotation when I was young. (ha ha)

You believe that it's better to be able to take care of yourself and not need anyone else. You try to be completely self-sufficient. People may think you're aloof, a snob, a shit. You don't look shy, although you probably are because your level of experience in meeting people is limited because you haven't wanted to meet people.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

I know I am not alone. I know that this is a problem for a great number of people. People who believe they want to have intimate relationships, but can't seem to find them. And, yes, they could also be of the romantic kind.

 Intimacy is a tricky lady. You have to know her to be able to relate to her. However, if you never got to know her, you can't figure out how.

When I was 47 and still in single 2, (that's when you've been married once and are single for the second time), I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. Suddenly, life seemed better. I felt "normal".  I won't anxious and crying and I liked me.  At least I thought that was what normal probably felt like. So I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet someone.
And that was when I met my husband. I was still terrified, but I was more terrified of never getting beyond my fear. And so I pushed through it. It hasn't been easy. But it has been worth it.

BACK TO WHERE THIS POST BEGAN -

I thought that it would be easy to develop relationships with my step children.
Like I said, we were always on good terms when we got together and I tried to get closer to them. Of course, my version of closer pushed them away because they weren't ready for me. And, my skills and understanding of the situation were not very good.

And so it has taken many years for me to feel like I have a family.  I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn not to take certain things personally.  I had to learn that with children, it's about them, not me.

I'm still learning. Only I finally feel like I'm  part of the family. I really do love them and feel close to them. My son in law is one of a kind, as is his mom. I love spending time with them and we have great conversations. And also a lot of fun. And the ex has remarried too. My step daughter's mother in law, and mom step-dad live twenty minutes away.  We live over three hours away.  As it was in New York, it has become in Florida. But it's okay. My husband and I are not the kind of people who want to be involved with all the day to day issues. We are happy to be as involved as we like and are here for them when we're needed.

My step son and his wife are still in New York so we don't see them often. It's tough because even if you have a relationship, long distance makes it a lot of work.  And I am not a phone person. I don't know why, but I hate talking on the phone.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when they sent me a happy mother's day text. You can't imagine how wonderful that made me feel.

When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I gave it a lot of thought. When I lived up north, my best friend would always have a cake for me and her kids who were around, would help celebrate.  I missed that.

So, I told him that I wanted to spend it with my family. And that's what we did.
We drove across the state and took them out for dinner and had a roaring good time. We got there early so we could see the grandchildren and the other grandparents baby sat so we could go out. That's all of us pulling together.

the waiter, hubbie, kids and Claudia. I was taking the pic.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You don't have to share your feelings or know everything that's going on in someone's life to have an intimate relationship. You have to have a connection of the heart. You know you're loved by the actions they make and even when they forget to make them.  They know you love them, the same way. You all know that you're there for each other if you're needed.

I don't know if I can branch out with this knowledge to people who aren't family, but I'm getting a bit more understanding of what it means. And I know that although I'm not one of those individuals who have to be with someone all the time, I do need to be with people some of the time.

ME AND MY SWEETHEART Joey

WHY DO POLITICIANS MAKE ME SICK?

I found it interesting that in two of my three text books, there is no mention of politics in the indices. I do recognize that it is a science unto itself. I did take a course in Poli Sci way back in college. Of course I remember my professor. He was relatively young and passionate about the subject and I enjoyed the class.

During my college years and  my early twenties, I was moderately active in the political scene.  Of course those were the years when students in America were being shot, there were riots on campus, and actually all around the country.

I attended demonstrations, worked for mayoral candidates and helped take over an administrator's office after the Kent State Shootings.



Generally, whomever I was backing, lost. That held in many elections as well. It took a long time before someone I voted for actually won.

I don't want to stay I stopped caring. I still care about what happens to my country. Other countries. The poverty, starvation and depravity that seems endemic to our kind.

I began to realize that no matter how much I cared, nor what little I did, things stayed the same. I would say that we helped stop the War in Viet Nam because I believe that possibly, it's unpopularity interfered with some greater scheme and so they decided to end it at the time they did. It didn't matter. It had already destroyed so many lives.

Politics? Politicians? Is there a difference? They represent the same thing. A system designed to allow us to believe we have some say in the governance of our countries. Since I live in the USA, I'll stick with what I know.

Politics is not governance. Governance, I think, is the actual running of the country. That's probably why they call the men in charge of the states, Governors. However, there appears to be a huge disconnect between governing and politicians, who become the government.

Why do they make me sick? That's easy. They lie, they are corrupt and they play us like fiddles. Our two party system has devolved into a terribly divisive institution.  And whoever it is, who actually runs things is laughing at us all.

I've been able to vote since I was 18. Something less than 50 years. I can say that in New York City, the mayor had power to change some aspects of my life. Since I worked for the City, it meant whether or not my pay would go up or stay the same. I also watched as the school system deteriorated over the years and I don't think the mayor was the cause.
      
The long and short of it, is that no matter who ran the country. My life stayed the same. I chose a path, strayed, changed, but still, nothing that I could say made a difference regardless of who the people were running this place.

What has changed, only in that it has gotten worse, is the venom that people spew when talking about politics.

I was at a lunch with some friends this week. One teachers adults English. One of her students asked why we have two years of electioneering. The answer was so the parties could raise money.

Again, when I was young, we had a few months of debates and campaigning and that was it.

Now, it's nearly constant. For money? We have to listen to this bullshit. We have to watch ads on TV for two years so they can raise money to make more ads to tell us how horrible the other candidates are.

I want to keep this short.

hypothesis:
Elections in America are for show. Everything that happens, happens behind a curtain where the Wizard of Oz is pulling the strings and projecting his magic.
The people, have been taught from an early age that our country is different. That we have the privilege to vote. That anyone can grow up to be president.
I believe that the people in charge, set us against each other in order to deflect the attention from them. Of course, we don't know who they are. That's part of the dilemma. People believe that their vote counts. If that were true, how is it that the people we are voting for are not the people that we want to be running?  The game is rigged.

CONCLUSION:
You can have as many debates as you want. You can actually believe you have a choice in who to elect. You do. Two people are "selected' and that's your choice. Do we actually have a say in any of it? I think not. Not anymore.
Any large country will need delegates. Everyone is corruptible. So, if you want to waste your energy and hate the people who don't like your candidate, go right ahead. Hate Obama. Hate Clinton. Hate anyone you want.  But think about it. For most of us, has it made a difference in our lives? The difference came from economics and it was the bankers who bought the politicians so that we could lose our houses and not have jobs.

So, fight amongst yourselves if it makes you feel better. It just makes me sick. We should be embracing each other as "fellow Americans" and not see each other as the enemy because that is exactly what the politicians want. And they always get what they want. We, on the other hand, will always get screwed.  And not in an enjoyable way.

 

I'M SO OBSESSED ABOUT BEING OBSESSED THAT EVEN MY OBSESSION IS AN OBSESSION OR "OH NO. WHAT NOW?"

I am a person who is familiar with obsessions. I am not some one with obsessive compulsive disorder. I just have some of the traits that one might find with one who can go overboard on a particular activity, interest or something new.

Like the last post, this is really about personality, behaviors and the variability from person to person.

I remember not that long ago, which for someone my age could be five months or fifteen years, having a discussion about being stalked. I was disappointed that I had never been that cared for. Which of course is nuts because being stalked is dangerous.  I started to think about it, and realized that there had been a brief time in my mid thirties when I was the stalker. Let's not forget about the degrees. I never went to the person's house or followed him outside of work, but none the less, I was obsessed.



It was not long after my divorce and a new male teacher came to our school. Shelley, I'm guessing this is the "poor judgement" you were recently referring to in my youth.

Anyway, I was bitten, smitten and totally gone.  Looking back I cringe at my behavior, but felt powerless at the time. I was unfortunately not very subtle and it was no doubt a juicy topic for gossip. "the psychologist has lost her mind. She follows him around like a puppy". Or something to that effect.

He was 11 years younger and, to my mind quite a hunk. Not too bright, but I do believe he was learning disabled. That in itself is a statement about who is teaching our children, but again, another tale.

My ex had moved on and I was not in a good place. What this teacher represented was the captain of the football team. The guy was out of my league. (at least in my mind, so I never tried). Now, I was feeling more secure. Huh? More experienced?  That is more possibly more accurate. Out of my mind?  The point is that nothing I did was logical or rational.  Or in secret.  Isn't that part of an obsession though?

DEFINITION OF OBSESSION:

According to Webster, an obsession is a noun.

 1. the fact, or state of being obsessed with an idea, desire, emotion, etc.
     OBSSESS
1. To haunt or trouble; besiege the mind. 2. especially to an abnormal degree ;
2. Preoccupy greatly.

That's good. It doesn't sound quite so nuts. But, being a thorough researcher, I have to use another source.

The  psychology text that I have closest at hand, is called Psychology, Making Connections, by Feist and Rosenberg.  Let's see that their clinical two cents adds.

[No surprise. We're back in the disorders chapter.]

"An obsession is an unwanted, thought, word, phrase, or image that persistently and repeatedly come into a person's mind and causes distress.

this is from an old movie. worth watching.

One has to add obsessions twin if we are doing the right thing.

COMPULSION: A repetitive behavior performed in response to uncontrollable urges or according to a ritualistic set of rules.



Okay. For a minute there, I thought I might have had a real problem.

The good news, I think, was that I do not have, nor did I then, OCD. You know the term. Everyone uses it about everyone all the time.

Mostly, they're not right. Gee, I like saying that. That's not to say that I'm right. I'd like to, but that is also not true most of the time. Or at least that's what my husband says.

Off track. Another digression. Personally, I like the scenery off the beaten path. I have to hope you all do too.

So, although I can get "obsessed", I don't have words phrase etc. that persistently come into my mind unbidden. They usually don't cause me distress and I surely do not have rituals or uncontrollable urges. Except when it comes to chocolate.

ARE YOU OBSESSED?
I think most of us have some obsessions. Generally they are harmless. Like collecting Angel Babies, or Lady figurines.  As the Delphic Oracle said, "everything in moderation". In this case it means that your house still has room for you and other things and that you are not in debt or spend every waking hour looking for "the one" that will complete your collection.

Many people have hobbies. It's easy to be obsessed with your hobby. According to Webster's idea.  Although, I'm hoping that you are not haunted by your desire so that it interferes with your functioning.

WHEN HAS YOUR HOBBY CROSSED THE LINE?
Good question, even if I say so myself. Of course this is my opinion, and not psychological gospel. For me, it's when it becomes the ONLY think you think about. And, it begins to interfere with your functioning.

Functioning is a really important aspect of being a person. Trouble with functioning is well, Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with Oh no, my life is falling apart.

It's a hallmark of mental illness when you stop functioning.  Those clever folks even have a scale in their secret handbook called Global Assessment of Functioning. The scoring is similar to most tests. Almost no one gets one hundred and too many people fall below 70. I almost went off on a tangent.


Crossing the line means that you are thinking and probably engaging in behavior that is limiting the time you should be spending on things, like, oh, your making a living. Interacting with family and friends, cleaning your house, your clothes,  showering, shaving and taking care of yourself.



Most people don't get that over the line. They get close. They manage to do what they absolutely must, but every other waking moment is related to the obsession.

For example, they don't call women baseball or football widows for nothing. If you are married to someone with an obsession, you may feel like a piece of the furniture.

Screaming, threatening and filing for divorce do not change the situation. That's when you know it's too late.

ARE ADDICTIONS OBSESSIONS?
Yes.

Surprised you there. That's all I'll say about that.


what do you do if you are obsessed or related to someone who is obsessed?

One thing I've learned is that you can't change anyone else. I mean, I've been trying to change me for half my life and I've only gotten just so far. Changing someone else?  Ain't gonna happen.

The solution is not easy, but in theory, it's simple. Get your own life. I wouldn't suggest getting your own obsession, but finding your own passion, well that works. Leave the poor obsessed person alone. You don't have to leave, you have to adjust your expectations. Don't expect that person to be there for you. Don't expect to head the list of what's important. Joining the obsession is not something I would suggest. If you too have an "addictive" personality, you may find yourself up the same creek, and you will still not be number one.

Expect, that it's your life and you may have to live it like a three year old who sits next to his friend and does parallel play. You can be together. You can be in love. You can do things together, but you will never be as important as the obsession. Unless of course, you ARE the obsession. That may feel wonderful at first, but it gets old quickly. I'd tell you to ask some of the people who were the object of someone's eye, but most likely they are dead.

Wow. I've gone fun circle. Yesterday, my advice was to run. This time, you should run only if you are the obsession. If not, you can stay. or not. The other person may or may not notice.

One last thing. If you've become obsessed about the other person's being obsessed, GET YOUR OWN LIFE!  It's likely you are avoiding your own issues, so get some help, figure out why you'd settle for something like this and Live.

YOU HAVE THIS ONE CHANCE AT LIVING THIS LIFE. WHY WASTE IT OBSESSING ABOUT SOMETHING YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT?  FIND YOUR BLISS. FIND YOUR JOY. IT IS WITHIN YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.