CAN SELFISHNESS, SELF-CENTEREDNESS BE A FORM OF SELF-PROTECTION?

    I was recently involved in a conversation with a group of my friends that was trying to understand selfishness, which has a very negative connotation.
    A better term, it was decided, was self-care. We talked about it and though it was stimulating it was also distressing.
    You see, I was told by both my parents, shortly after my divorce, that I was selfish.
And my current husband has told me I am self-absorbed. This morning.

   Not nice labels to be given. Even if think them to be partially true.

   After the talk with my friends, I tried to think back to when I began to be a selfish person. If you recall, I don't recall much of my childhood.

baby me

   I do vividly remember when my mother had the talk with me. Not the birds and bees talk. The "your sister has epilepsy and so we aren't going to be able to treat you equally talk."
  It went something like this.

 Mom: "Your sister has a condition that makes her different. She has petit mal seizures, where she blacks out for a few seconds. When you walk to school be mindful that she doesn't walk without looking."
    "She also has problems at school and making friends. Not like you. You're good at whatever you do. Therefore, in order not to make her feel bad, we aren't going to praise you or make a fuss when you do well. We don't want her to feel worse than she already does.  We know you'll understand and help us."

Me: probably shocked silence. I was 8 and not exactly prepared for this type  of talk. If I responded, I have no idea how.

Jan's Sweet 16. Polka dress, me at 14

     I don't know how long after that, the hurt and resentment began. It was also the reason that I never took art lessons because that was the one thing Jan was good at and I didn't want to take that away. Or maybe I wouldn't have. She most likely was better at that and I wouldn't have liked that. Does that make me a bad person?

     It was like I had a non-compete clause in a contract that I was forced to sign.  Since I was a minor, my parents signed off for me. I had no choice.

    I'm thinking that what occurred appeared to be selfishness, but was actually self-protection.

   When I look at myself I can see through several lenses.  I'm several people. In many ways I am very generous. I like to give gifts, or buy things for my friends, husband and grandkids. I have given my professional hours to some patients pro bono or at extremely cheap rates, because I knew they couldn't afford therapy but really needed it. I have compassion for others and my husband gets angry at me because I am too empathetic.

    I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. Just trying to show some of the sides of who I am. I have given my time and energy to organizations I belonged to and activities at my places of work. I trained three interns at work and was asked to mentor another one or two.
    Several years ago I learned to ask myself what my motives were in doing certain things. An example would be,  when I first started to buy my husband clothes, it was because I didn't like the way he dressed.(sorry hon)   Then he started to appreciate style and developed his own. I still buy him things, only now with his taste in mind, but I do it because I know he likes to get presents. I do it the make him feel good, and that makes me feel good.

   Giving makes me feel good. Which could be seen as selfish in the sense that I'm doing it for me. It's like a no win game.

Benny Boo Boo

  I give to one charity that does dog rescues.(Southern Comfort Maltese Rescue). I know the woman who runs it, as we adopted Benny from her. And I know that she needs every penny she can get because she takes in animals with such special needs that cost lots of money and I want to be helpful to her and the dogs she takes in.

  I've given to many charities over the years, but since the Goodwill thing, I now have to do research. It's a two fold thing. I want the income tax benefit, but I also want to help.



me and cousin George's daughter Jessica

  Usually, I have what I consider more than enough, so sharing it seems like the right thing to do.

  So, how am I selfish? I suppose it's because I put my needs first. And the need that is the biggest issue is my need for my own time. Also, my trouble switching from one activity to another makes spontaneity an issue. If I'm reading and my husband wants to talk to me I get annoyed. I learned to put the book down but I can't do it all the time. I keep myself busy when I'm home so he's always interrupting something. At least that's how he sees it. And that is how I feel it.

   Am I self-absorbed? Sure. I am trying to understand who I am, where I'm headed, sometimes how I got here. I get that not everyone cares about those things, but I do.

   But aren't we all self-absorbed?  Even when we're obsessing about someone else, it's really not about them. It's about us.

   And it usually comes from a place of fear. What will people think of us? What do I think of myself? What if someone really knew me? What can I do to make people like me? Why can't I like myself? What am I afraid of?
   The answer to that is slightly different depending on who you are. A common theme is being unlovable. Unworthy. Not good enough.

THEORY:

FEAR

People who lack confidence come off as being either selfless or selfish.
Fear creates personas that we learn and become over the years. We take as Gospel what people tell us. Especially if it's negative.

We become what we are told we are. We don't question it, except as adolescents and then revert back to our younger years by the haunting voices of our parents, teachers and peers.

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW:

   I think I am pissed off. I'm tired of being labeled. If you think I'm self absorbed, look in the mirror.

   If you or I think I'm self-absorbed, why should I care?
   Why should I care about what anyone thinks except me?  I'm tired of listening and accepting  the proclamations of all those wonderful people around me who have no problems at all. Except for me.

  So, please take a good hard look at yourself before you go telling other people what their problems are.
     THANK YOU.

BESSARABIA OR WHITE RUSSIA OR USSR OR, UH MAYBE ROMANIA?

I've been doing  genealogy research on and off for a couple of years. I've written before about how difficult it is for me. I wonder how many other people don't know enough to get information.

I did get lucky when I found my grandparents marriage certificates. I purchased them and they had each listed their parents names. Holy Cow. I now know more names. Except for one.
 Damned people with fancy handwriting. One of my great grandmothers' was named X-ali. The X is in lieu of whatever letter it is. I can't make it out. It might be a G, or a Y or some other letter. That, is of course the least of it, because I don't know where she was from. Ah you're thinking. She is finally getting to the point.

ONE OF THE POINTS

Just an aside, one point is never enough. You know me by now.
This point starts with geography. My mother's father, Grandpa Joe, was allegedly born in Bessarabia. I never met him, but the tales I recall aren't that helpful. When he lived in Europe, the place he lived was called Bessarabia, or maybe White Russia, but it was part of Romania. The main reason I know this difference in his home country was because of the mamaliga he made. ( I hope I'm remembering the right name.  Especially if you remember that I consider cutting up a cantaloupe as cooking.) And so I just did some research. I looked up mamaliga and it is Romanian polenta, usually served with black beans.  So, it is a Romanian recipe. I don't remember any beans, but knowing the word confirms the Romanian connection. At least it's good enough for me. 

HAIL THE CONQUERING HEROS

Papa Joe was born in 1882 or thereabouts. Now I am having to go back to look at the world map for that year and see what it says about Bessarabia.

Bessarabia (Romanian: Basarabia; Russian: Бессарабия Bessarabiya,Turkish: Besarabya; Ukrainian: Бессарабія Bessarabiya) is a historical region in Eastern Europe, bounded by the Dniester river on the east and the Prut river on the west. Bessarabia occupied the region where modern-day Moldova and Ukraine are located.
In the aftermath of the Russo-Turkish War (1806–1812), and the ensuing Peace of Bucharest, the eastern parts of the Principality of Moldavia, an Ottoman vassal, along with some areas formerly under direct Ottoman rule, were ceded to Imperial Russia. The acquisition was among the Empire's last territorial acquisitions in Europe. The newly acquired territories were organized as the Governorate of Bessarabia, adopting a name previously used for the southern plains, between the Dniester and the Danube rivers. Following the Crimean War, in 1856, the southern areas of Bessarabia were returned to Moldavian rule; Russian rule was restored over the whole of the region in 1878, when Romania, the result of Moldavia's union with Wallachia, was pressured into exchanging those territories for the Dobruja. (Wiki)


Wow. That's a lot of turmoil in not so many years. If my Grandpa was born around 1882, he would have been a baby during the last upheaval. His parents would have been Bessarabians, but he would have been a Moldavian? or Russian? At least now I understand why he said he was from Russia when he immigrated or emigrated. I know which is which, but I'm talking about both.

I believe he left when he was either 11 or 13 and came to the states with a brother. His older brother/brothers? were already in the States. It appears that he did not pass through England like the only two relatives I've located. I don't know if his parents ever left either. He fought with his brothers and he was dead before I was born. Lots of mystery and intrigue. Okay, so I can be easily intrigued.

Which leads me to a topic.
How many times has Europe been chopped up?

Clearly, I have no intention of answering that question with an actual number.

It's not just Europe. I don't know enough history to know about the conquering of the Far East, Near East and Africa. Or any country, land mass or other place I may have missed. I know that people from all around the world follow this blog, so if I missed you, let me know. It was not intentional.

And that leads to another topic
How many forms has the earth had?



I hear tell that the actual land has chopped itself up as well. The Lady Gaia has a mind of her own.  Volcanos erupting and spewing and forming land masses. Whole continents that drifted apart. Seas appearing and disappearing. Freezes, Hot spells, catastrophic disasters of all kinds.
It may not matter what your belief system is. At least it doesn't matter to me. The part that matters is that here too, we have no control. Not that we shouldn't have been more careful in our treatment of our planet. I think we treated her very, very badly. Did we speed up some destruction? I'm not a scientist. Perhaps a philosopher. In any event, it's just another thing for which I have no definitive answer. 

THEORY?

We know that people/governments/crazy mother fuckers change the borders and boundaries of the lands we live on. Theoretically, we should have some control over that. Generally, the people who are involved are not happy with the changes. When the world was less populated, if you were able to, you left, and went somewhere else. Hopefully a better and more stable place.

Now, where do you go?  Besides the fact that the governing powers won't let you leave, when you do, what are your choices?

It should seem fairly obvious that not too many countries are willingly taking in immigrants. Well, the fact that so many may be terrorists, does make it a little harder on the average Mohamed.  Even so. Where could you go?

The changes in how we live are a huge  factor. Who wants to go the an island that doesn't have cable or cell towers? Running water? Electricity?  Food?
And what's to say that should you go somewhere like that, you won't have a tsunami?

It certainly seems like the odds are stacked against us human beings. And most other living creatures on the planet.

SO WHY AM I SEARCHING OUT MY ROOTS?

Perhaps I am a bit afraid of looking forward. I'm at an age where I have time but not all the time in the world. When I was younger I would have been out there rallying, trying to change things. Making a difference.

There comes a time in one's life, at least for me, to put down the gauntlet and let someone else take over the fight. If you want a future, you have to be active in creating it.

And so, I am looking at the past. When I see the dates of my great-grandparents and grandparents births, I try to imagine what it must have been like for them.

If I'm doing some arithmetic on my Grandpa Morris, his dad Zelman was possible born in 1830 in Poland. Possibly Lublin. Wow. What was it like?
Obviously, by the time my Grandpa left it couldn't have been too great. He was born around 1883. He was 20 when he arrived in England although I can't find a record of his immigration there. I do know that he just walked out of Poland and across Europe to leave. I don't know what port he left from, but I know he walked there. Was it France? Germany? I'm looking.


I am now appreciating how hard life was that long ago. Hatred and poverty are powerful motivators.

QUESTION FOR US ALL?

Will we ever learn?

As Dr. Phil, whom I don't like, but will quote anyway, has said.  "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

Boy do I pray that he is wrong.



As usual, I had no idea where this would end up. I'm rather surprised at where it did. I had no idea that I was thinking about this.
Reminder to self:

1. Stop leaving the house.
2. Don't listen to people talking politics.
3. Leave the house but use noise deadening earphones.
4. Don't talk to people.
5. Don't talk to self. But the voices won't stop. yes they will.  no they won't, oh shut the fuck up.

I'M STILL HERE

I watched a video on You Tube to find out how to use social media. I didn't find what I wanted.
This video did advise that you post a blog on a consistent basis. Otherwise, if people don't see your posts, they will forget about you,
That would break my heart.  So, even if I am really really really bust, I will post something. Anything to not be forgotten.

So, Here it is.

I've told you about some of my bad/disastrous blind dates. I always wanted to ask what the matchmaker was thinking. I didn't because what would be gained? Don't bite the hand that feeds you, even if the crumbs suck.

The QUESTION is:

WHAT IS THE CRITERIA TO INTRODUCE TWO PEOPLE ON A BLIND DATE?

I have come to the conclusion that there are only two things.

1. You both have to be breathing.

2. You should be of the same sexual orientation.

THEORY:

Misery loves company.