Why I haven't been able to get more posts done, or finish the one I'm working on.

These are a few shots of my house. Only one from outside, but there are reasons I have to leave the house on occasion.

this is the main reason

these are the other reasons

I love decorating. Not just Christmas. When I was a kid I wanted to be an interior designer, Then I found out I would have to learn about fabrics and sewing.

this one needed more light. as usual, I couldn't find the ones I wanted. Why is life so damned complicated. Like, why do I have so many places for photos?

never shoot into the light. except when you have no choice or no time

as you can see, my wealth spillith over.

Denial. I was writing a post and could not get my thoughts together.

  

I spent an entire morning and evening attempting to explain and of course illustrate with fascinating stories, the concept of denial. I had to go into defense mechanisms and somehow, I could not get it together. So I deleted the text. I couldn't delete the pictures, because, well, it's sometimes a pain in the ass to find then post them. So, I shall leave it all to your imagination. Just looking at the pix what do you think I wrote?  



I bet that got your attention.














 

BUT I COULDA MET TOM SELLECK would that have changed what I had done?

 

Commissioner of NYPD   aka Tom Selleck

I shall attempt to make a very long story short. I will also make all conflicts in the middle east disappear.


    Once upon a time, in a galaxy, far, far, away, I started a graduate school program. On the first night I met a woman and we instantly bonded. We were the best, and closest friends for 15 or 16  years.

    At that time I was about to go through a divorce. My new friend was there for me and she helped me through a rough time.

    Although I had parents, I was a kind of adult orphan. Although I had a half sibling, 18 years older than I and some aunts and cousins, none of them lived in the New York area. Nor were they inclined to include me in their life events. Except weddings and funerals. I'm sure you know that drill.

    I've been fortunate throughout my life and have had a few really good friends who would take me into their families for holidays and well, their lives.  Just because.  There are a lot of good people out there and I thank them all from the bottom of my heart. (*a digression  of the lower case kind since it was a little one.)

    For those 16 years I was involved in the life of her family. That included her parents, husband, children, sister and their children. And later, when her kids were grown,with their spouses as well.

    My friend and I had a lot in common. Same profession. A love of collectible vintage housewares, furniture and all kinds of good "stuff".  We loved the arts, and music and films and theater. We loved each other. Even our families of origin were similar, although the outer dysfunctions were not so readily seen.

   Of course, we had some differences as well.  One was tough for her, but I was needy so she did the best she could.  During the beginning of our friendship I would sometimes find it hard to hear about her kids wonderful accomplishments. It wasn't the accomplishments.   It was because I had not so long before found out that I was unable to have children and then came the divorce.  As time went on and my wounds healed,  I was able to not only listen, but to be as proud as she was of their successes. And they were very successful.  As I am doing my best to keep this anonymous, I will only discuss the one son that is central to my tale.

   All her children were brilliant. The certainly had some genetic help, but still, they worked really hard, as did their parents in raising them.

   One son was very creative. His education, talent and experience resulted in his going into the film and TV  industry, working in several areas of creativity and production.

    His career was just beginning when his mom and I had a falling-out. Of the nuclear kind. It may have been inevitable as I have had time to reflect back on the things that lead up to the break up.  In any case, I fucked up, badly. I of course had my reasons, which valid or not, hurt her. And for that I am eternally sorry.

  We made an attempt to patch things up, but it was like a tire that had been blown out one time too many and the patches would no longer hold.  If recollection serves, we met twice and wrote a couple of letters. Things were said. Hurtful on both sides. And that was it.

   As I often did, I shut down my feelings so I wouldn't miss her.  Not long after this loss, I met the man who is now my husband. He never met her, but knows all about her and what happened.  There are many women with the same, pretty, but common name, so now, with my husband, she is referred to as ex-**************.  It's funny because that would almost be how one would refer to an ex spouse.  Unfortunately,  that is where it still stands. No communication at all.


  That was what is known as the Backstory. (at least I think that would be what it's called.)  Still, I wanted to  follow her son's career. Any time I would see his name in the credits I would be ecstatic. I could also follow him online, since that had been invented later, it was easy for me to see how he was doing.  Sort of.

   An now to the title of the tale.  My husband loves Blue Bloods. I like it too and we watch it together. *Another digression. I used to watch Magnum P.I. faithfully because I was a Tom Selleck groupie. Well, would have been a groupie if I were the club joining kind. Also, groupie sounds so much better than had the hots for. him which is more accurate.  We all know I was not alone. So don't you be looking at me like that.

   One of the reasons I enjoy the show, is watching Tom, (I'm not sure I'm spelling his last name correctly, so I'm on a first name basis now).   Even though he has gotten older, (I of course have not) he is looking so distinguished, still handsome, and whatever he had, he still has it. Not that I feel the same way any more. It's more like he's easy on the eyes kind of thing.  What? you think I'm not like the rest of mankind? My eyes may be old, but what they prefer to look at is someone younger. If I were single, I'd be a cougar. Who has lost a few teeth. *AD

   A couple of seasons into the show, we watched the credits, which normally we fast forward through, well, because usually we can. Although, on Blue, they run them slowly while the show is actually on, so you kind of have to see some of them, if you want bother reading.  The first time I screamed for apparently no reason and my husband got scared.  I saw my friend's son's name somewhere in that long line crawling across the bottom of the screen.  I had him rewind so I could check to see if I were hallucinating. I wasn't. Of course not. I don't do drugs. Anymore.

   The following week, he started to fast forward and we had a fight. It happened again the next week. I am now in charge of the clicker when we watch it. First, he couldn't remember, why I wanted to see the beginning credits, nor could he understand why I was so happy to see this name. He and I haven't been in touch in maybe 18 or 19 years. Still, I was always very fond of him. Don't tell his sibs, he was my favorite. He was so easy going and down to earth, and I bet he still is.

    Anyway, his name is  now, always there.  One day it hit me. If not for that fight, and his mom and I were still friends, I probably could have gone to the set and met Tom Selleck. Really, at this point in my life, all I want is to stand next to him and see if I actually feel as tiny as I imagined I would. A handshake would have been nice too.  But, 19 years ago I blew it.


   So, the question, if not theory, is if I had known that this could have been in my future, would I not have done what I did? Happily, the answer is I wouldn't have changed it.
   I screwed up, and if I would have changed it, it would have been to right a wrong, not to meet someone who used to be an idol.

   The theory in back of this is really about what sometimes motivates us. My husband asked if I would try to repair things now, so I could perhaps, not miss out on this opportunity. Hell no. That would be horrible. I don't like to be used, nor do I use people. At least if I'm not in denial about it.  Again. I'll do a piece on denial. Eventually.


    So I ask now, what was my motive in betraying a trust way back when?  I was angry. I knew it, but didn't realize the depth of it. We talked about some of my issues in what was going on, but we couldn't do much about it. You know the saying, it is what is it is? Well, it was what it was.
        I didn't see what I did as a betrayal in the way she did. Perceptions are always key. Looking back,  I think I needed to distance myself from her for reasons that aren't important here.
     
        I didn't know that my actions would result in this awful loss. Of course, if I had lied to her, she wouldn't have known what I said. So, in telling the truth, I lost my best friend.   

       Somehow, in my perception, the truth was supposed to help. Obviously, I was wrong.

   So, Tom, I really woulda liked to meetcha. Of course, now that I live in Florida I would have had to come up to New York for a visit. We all know I would have done that in a heart beat.

From the plane coming into LaGuardia