Once upon a time, long, long ago the brothers' Grimm wrote stories. After the plague in the middle ages, a little ditty called "ring around the rosy" was composed and I remember singing it in a circle of friends and loving the "all fall down" part.
Fables, Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes have been age old traditions. They seem to have become even more popular since they have been redone in movies, and now with TV's Once Upon A Time and Grimm.
These tale sure have legs. I'm of course wondering why? And so I did some research on the origins of fairy tales and fables and short stories.
There was a lot to digest out there, and being the impatient, imperfect human that I am, I made a judgment call. I'll summarize and spare you the long quotes from Wiki, and Madame d'Aulnoy from the late 17th century and an article called the Dark Side of the Grimm Fairy Tales by Jesse Greenspan.
Fairy tales have a very long history and many have been lost because they were oral. Their beginning was as short, little stories and were not meant for children.
Madame d'Aulnoy collected stores, during the 1600s, that were intended for adults of the upper classes. They began, however, to be used by servant women, who probably overheard their employers, and they started telling them to children. Whether for pleasure or fear, I don't know.
In the modern era, The Grimm's wrote their tales. The were shortly afterward "forced" to rewrite many of their tales so they could be read to children.
In trying to find out how long ago people started telling children tales, I came up with nada. The same thing for bedtime stories. All I was able to find were the good reasons to read to children, books that sites wanted to sell me so I could read them to children.
Therefore I am going to have to come up with a "that's right my, children" a
HYPOTHESIS:
See, all you kids were paying attention all along. My guess would be that it started as passing down a tribes oral history to their young. My first thought was about the Native American Cultures and how they were very big on story telling. From there, I realized that pretty much all history started out this way.
Most people couldn't read or write, so story tellers and minstrels passed along information. Oral history was king until the written language developed and matured.
BACK TO FAIRY TALES
IN THE BEGINNING, children were viewed as mini adults so I suppose it didn't matter what they heard. Gore, death, legends. They were fit for consumption by all.
It was only recently, if you recall, that children actually began to have a clothing line that was all their own. Remember all those great old portraits where the children were dressed in adults clothes? It wasn't because it was Halloween.
End of Digression. Hopefully.
ADULT FAIRY TALES were all that had been written. That appears to be, until some people complained to the Grimm's bros, that they really needed to do an edit on their tales.
Sorry, I had to cut and past this one.
In the
modern era, fairy tales were altered so that they could be read to children.
The Brothers Grimm concentrated mostly on sexual references;[62] Rapunzel, in the first edition, revealed the prince's visits
by asking why her clothing had grown tight, thus letting the witch deduce that
she was pregnant, but in subsequent editions carelessly revealed that it was
easier to pull up the prince .—On the
other hand, in many respects, violence—particularly when punishing villains—was
increased.[64]
So the originals were sexy and violent. I'm not sure what "pulling up the prince meant" except that most of the newer versions have handsome, moral, decent princes. The old tales contained child abuse, incest, anti-Semitism and rotten mothers, who were not just of the step kind. Nice to know that the world hasn't changed.
Although it has.
CHILDREN BECOMING CHILDREN:
Children worked from the time they could be productive. Ancient, and so ancient days saw them as just another mouth to feed and part of the labor force. Again, I had no idea that my thinking about tales would lead me to this place.
It really is a recent phenomenon that there is such a thing as childhood. At least as we see it in current western civilization. Did you know that it is only since the end of World War II that boys and girls were dressed in either pink or blue? Prior to that, it didn't matter. I could go back to railing against marketing, but that ship has already sailed.
SHOULD WE OR SHOULDN'T WE SCARE KIDS?
I'm thinking that reading fairy tales is tradition. People don't usually think about it, they just follow it. I recently read some of the old Mother Goose Rhymes and most made no sense to me. I do know, from my studies as a school psychologist, that the ability to rhyme, has been linked to reading and learning disabilities. Maybe just hearing the rhythms was beneficial.
The same for the stories. Our parents heard them and then read them to us. They didn't think about witches scaring us. And, there are children who liked to be scared. Baby adrenaline junkies perhaps. Most of the tales were cleaned up enough so that they have become tales of morality. Good over Evil. Parents like that. Well, so do I.
DOES OR DID YOU CHILDREN HAVE FAVORITES?
"READ THAT ONE AGAIN". Who hasn't heard that? I wasn't lucky enough to have my own, but I've spent a lot of time with little ones of friends and listening to tales of the parents. Particularly in the age of the VCR,
Does anyone remember how many times their 2 to 4 year old repeatedly watched a particular video? You wanted to cut off your ears and put out you own eyes, and yet the child couldn't get enough.
Part of it has probably got to do with mastery. If you see if enough times you get to know it well enough to know what's coming and I think for a little one, the predictability may give a sense of security and control.
I do wonder though, why each child has a favorite and it's not the same as all the other kids because they are usually too young to be at that place of knowing who's watching what.
I wonder if you could make some prediction about the child's personality, like and dislikes, based on the choice of which DVD they repeat. Well, that I will leave to you, since at the moment, I've got none that I am aware of. And the children's channels on TV may have changed that as well.
CONCLUSION:
I got nothing. LMAO. That of course won't stop me from saying something. It never does. You may have noticed.
Fairy tales are complex in their history and simple in their telling. They are part of an age old tradition, and that works for me. Except maybe the violence parts. Although, kids need to learn about the world at some point, so maybe in their fantasy days it's the right time.
P.S.
Could someone explain about the "and they lived happily ever after" part. Maybe it should be left out. Or explained. Like, they lived happily until after the birth of their first child when they realized the castle wasn't big enough for a nursery and they started to fight about what kingdom they should move to. You know. Stuff like that.
Hi All.
I see this is my 100th post. Wow. And the topic to start with is a bit mundane, but that's how it goes.
About three days ago I bought a new printer. I had looked on line at Staples because the store is nearby and I get reward points. And I like their policy on printers. Anyway........ there I go again.
This morning I opened my email and there is a Staples message headed GET 50% off printers. Now, I'm not using my glasses (I put on a pair now) so my sight's not great. First I thought it was for cartridges which would have been awesome. But no. The printer.
I started to open it and said to myself. Self, don't do it.
Then I started thinking about how many coupons and offers I frequently get after purchased whatever it was.
Take CVS. I actually like their rewards program. They send me real money in an email that I can click and it sends it to my rewards card. That's really cool. You usually have to spend something like 30 bucks, but I've gotten, $3, $5 and more, so it's okay. I use drugs. Not like in the old days, which by the way I couldn't get in a drug store, but eye drops, Mucinex, Benadryl, Tylenol, and some supplements. ( I buy the store brands because they are less expensive) {that sounds so much classier than "cheaper"}.
I use my extra bucks and while I'm there I can a print out of coupons based on things I may have used in the past. The past, often three days ago. I just bought three out of the five items that they are now giving me coupons for. It would have been preferable to get them BEFORE I already bought them.
Unless, maybe they think I'm a hoarder and will just buy up more so I have a years supply.
Another Digression. I have at times, purchased things on sale and gotten three or four of them. Six years later, when I need it again, I check the expiration date and it's way gone. Like four years worth. I'm learning.
It's not just CVS. I do a lot of online shopping and looking. I suppose it's my fault for not clearing out the cookies. Or at least that's what I think it could be. That's how they keep track of where you were and what you looked at. Right?
However, I have had problems when I disabled the cookies thingy. So, I have to remember to clear my phone cache. I can't transfer that to my regular computer. First, I'm sure that they are done differently. Secondly, it's not something I ever think of except for right this moment. And as they say, this too shall pass.
All's I'm sayin is that it's like why do they keep trying to sell me condoms after I'm pregnant? I'm not gonna be needing one for at least 10 - 11 months. Then the date will be expired and I'll get pregnant again.
THEORY:
MARKETERS SUCK. They want you to buy their product, but not at a reduced price. If they did, they'd advertise and send you the goods before you already had them.
So suck it y'all. I've got you figured out.
As I hang my head in shame, I have to ask myself about yesterdays post. I don't get as many people reading as I would like, but I'm usually okay with my numbers. Still, I keep trying to figure out what my readers want.
In the beginning I kept asking for feedback, but didn't get it, so I was left to my own devices.
You may not know this, but that is not usually a good idea. Not with me or anyone else you know.
The thing is. I'm used to it. Being a shrink I can't tell you how many people have thought I could read their minds. At the block party I was at over the week end, I was having a nice conversation with a new neighbor and when I told him I had been a psychologist he said, "okay, I guess you've already analyzed me". I told him not to worry because I was off duty.
I didn't tell him that one of my latest catch phrases is "you can retire from what you do, but you can't retire from who you are". In my case, it means I will always think like a shrink.
Hmm. I wonder if I could write a rap on that.
Anyhow (I write that a lot and since I can't see so well, I'm not taking out my thesaurus.)
I CANNOT READ MINDS! I might be able to read some behaviors and if I know you, and see certain themes that you repeat, I may have an idea of what you're concerns are. The word Might is key. I don't know. Just like you don't know what I'm thinking or feeling unless you ask. Then I have to trust you to answer honestly.
Which gets me to the topic of People Pleasing. You would expect from the words that people pleasers would be nice and kind and helpful Most of them probably are. However, there are also the kind of pleasers who grew up with mean people and pleasing them, meant being mean. That, I bet you haven't thought of. The only reason I did, is because I didn't consider myself a people pleaser until I thought about my parents and how I tried to please them.
My mother was the martyr type so in order to please her, you had to be hurtful in some way so she could feel like a martyr. My dad, well, he was another story. He was verbally mean to my sister and I copied his behavior. It was probably because I wanted his approval and if I was like him, he would be less mean to me. I do think it worked. I won't say he was a loving father, but I was favored.
HYPOTHESIS:
When a person tried to please everyone, they end up pleasing no on. Especially themselves.
RESEARCH METHODOLOGY:
This researcher has observed a sample of thousands of people in their natural habitats and in work and school environments as well. She noted their behaviors and words. She noted that these did not often match. For example. People would say they tried to make so and so happy but were angry because so and so did not appreciate their efforts. Observation showed that although the individual did not think their anger was showing, it was glaringly obvious to the observer and in all likelihood, also to their so and so.
Another example would be yesterdays post. I have been trying to figure out what people want to read so I can please them, so they will keep coming back. It seemed that the last couple of posts that were more data based psychology were being read more. Therefore, I assumed I had to post something that was data based with book references.
I may not be wrong in that assumption, however, the post I ended up writing had not been intended to be anything like it turned out to be. I still don't know what that was, but that's not the point.
I was trying to please an invisible audience rather than myself. It didn't work. I was not happy with what I wrote, and it seems not too many people were either.
HOW DOES ONE BECOME A PEOPLE PLEASER?
Like most aspects of our personalities we learn them from our babyhood. We need to please our parents because we are totally dependent on them as toddlers and children. We may actually realize it in a way that is not very mature. Unfortunately, many of us don't reach a maturational level where we understand that our child's perspective no longer is valid.
Unless you're someone who wants to know what goes on inside that head of yours, you are very unlikely to look inside yourself. Oh, Yeah, many people used to watch Oprah and Dr. Phil. I will hope that it really opened up a lot of people's minds. Unfortunately, you may have noticed that the audiences were mostly females. Yeah. We want that information alright. Enlighten us as long as you tell us we're right. Or the other person is wrong. I'm being harsh. I did get people thinking and that's usually a good thing.
That was a digression. Sorry. I can't help those. And, I don't want to. Take that you unpleased person!
If our "pleasing" behavior is rewarded in some way, or at least not punished, it becomes a part of a repertoire of our personality. Southerners were very big on manners. There was always a please and thank you and a yes sir or mam. I'm a guessing if ya didn't mind yo manners yo was slapped upside the head. Slapped that behavior right in there.
As was mentioned before, the type of pleasing, well it could be positive or negative. You've all heard of children who act out so they can get attention because negative attention is better than none. Nothing is worse than being ignored. As Mark Twain put it and this is not a direct quote because I can't remember exactly how he put it but "There is nothing worse than being gossiped about except not being gossiped about".
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER?
I'm thinking that most people who think in some way that they do please people, or try to because it's the politically correct thing to do. Always has been. We're supposed to be civilized and by being nice, and polite to others, in that sense, we do attempt to be pleasing.
It's when it goes much deeper than that. It's when you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no. Doing things you really don't want to do. Being unable to tell people what you really want. And, if you've been doing it long enough, you have no idea what you actually do want. "YOU" got lost a long time ago. At least it seems that way. If it were so, then you wouldn't find yourself getting so angry and resentful at everyone else. You even get mad at yourself and may not be sure why.
I'm hearing the lyrics, "if you can't please everyone then you gotta please yourself. dootin doo dooo be aba got to please yourself". Okay. Rick Nelson, Garden Party.
Do you remember Rick Nelson? From the Ozzie and Harriet TV show in the 1950s. He was a teen idol. Maybe one of the first. He grew up as people do and he was booked at concert. It may have been Madison Square Garden because I think that's where the name of the song may have come from. People expected him to sing his old songs, all the favorites and when he started to sing his new music, they booed. I can't imagine what he must have felt like. However, it did lead him to write this song.
So, do you resent doing things for people? You might not but do you do things for other peoples all the time? Do you have a problem saying no?
Give it some thought and I'm sure you'll figure it out.
FINDINGS:
There are millions of people who try to please others. They are unhappy, and may not know why.
BUT WHAT CAN I DO IF I AM ONE?
It really isn't that difficult once you realize the problem. Of course, when someone asks you to do something, or you volunteer out of habit, you need to stop yourself and ask, "Do I really want to do this? Why am I doing this? If the answer is something like, I want to be liked, it's the right thing to do, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, it would make my mother happy or anything like that, you're not doing it for the right reason.
What is the right reason to do something, especially for someone else? Because you want to. It will make you feel good, maybe about yourself. Who knows?
There are things we do for others, like spouses, friends and children that we believe they want us to do. Yet, they don't appreciate our efforts. Often it's because it's not what they want and they're pleasing us by not saying anything. The remedy to this, is to ask. I know. Radical thinking. Like hon, do you want to bla bla bla? Or do you still like bla bla bla? Or in an actual situation, you can ask if they want to go wherever or want you to do whatever. Whey? Because we think we can read minds and we can't. We hear people say something and we mishear it most of the time. This new way of life calls for changes.
1) Ask yourself if you want to do what is being asked of you.
2) Learn how to use the word "NO".
3) Ask the person to clarify what they're asking.
4) Ask the person what they want.
5) As yourself what you want.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING SELFISH:
There is a difference between selfishness and taking care of oneself. If you don't take of yourself, no one else will. You are no longer a child and as an adult you are very capable of meeting your own needs. Once you remember what they are. You can be a kind, caring and giving person and still take care of your own needs. They are not mutually exclusive. Hell, I'll bet everyone will feel better. If you stop doing things you'd rather not do, you won't be as angry or resentful. That means that what you actually do will be more honest and I'd bet the person you're doing it for will feel the difference. That makes it a win win.
MY FAVORITE COUNTRY SONG:
WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'D BE GLAD TO EXPLAIN IT IF IT'S TOO HARD TO COMPREHEND. WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
And so, when I try to think of something to write here, I will try to write what I'm interested in, or thinking about and hope that you're okay with that. I can't read your minds. If you don't tell me, well, that's on you and you can read other things. I can't please everyone, so I've got to please myself. la la la la. Applause, hooting, howling and self appreciation.
