PLEASING OTHER PEOPLE IS THE ROAD TO SATISFYING NO ONE.

As I hang my head in shame, I have to ask myself about yesterdays post.  I don't get as many people reading as I would like, but I'm usually okay with my numbers. Still, I keep trying to figure out what my readers want.
In the beginning I kept asking for feedback, but didn't get it, so I was left to my own devices.

You may not know this, but that is not usually a good idea. Not with me or anyone else you know.

The thing is.  I'm used to it. Being a shrink I can't tell you how many people have thought I could read their minds. At the block party I was at over the week end, I was having a nice conversation with a new neighbor and when I told him I had been a psychologist he said, "okay, I guess you've already analyzed me".  I told him not to worry because I was off duty.

I didn't tell him that one of my latest catch phrases is "you can retire from what you do, but you can't retire from who you are".  In my case, it means I will always think like a shrink.
Hmm. I wonder if I could write a rap on that.

Anyhow (I write that a lot and since I can't see so well, I'm not taking out my thesaurus.)
I CANNOT READ MINDS!   I might be able to read some behaviors and if I know you, and see certain themes that you repeat, I may have an idea of what you're concerns are. The word Might is key. I don't know. Just like you don't know what I'm thinking or feeling unless you ask. Then I have to trust you to answer honestly.

Which gets me to the topic of People Pleasing.  You would expect from the words that people pleasers would be nice and kind and helpful  Most of them probably are.  However, there are also the kind of pleasers who grew up with mean people and pleasing them, meant being mean. That, I bet you haven't thought of. The only reason I did, is because I didn't consider myself a people pleaser until I thought about my parents and how I tried to please them.

My mother was the martyr type so in order to please her, you had to be hurtful in some way so she could feel like a martyr.  My dad, well, he was another story. He was verbally mean to my sister and I copied his behavior. It was probably because I wanted his approval and if I was like him, he would be less mean to me. I do think it worked. I won't say he was a loving father, but I was favored.

HYPOTHESIS:
When a person tried to please everyone, they end up pleasing no on. Especially themselves.

RESEARCH METHODOLOGY:
This researcher has observed a sample of thousands of people in their natural habitats and in work and school environments as well. She noted their behaviors and words. She noted that these did not often match.  For example. People would say they tried to make so and so happy but were angry because so and so did not appreciate their efforts. Observation showed that although the individual did not think their anger was showing, it was glaringly obvious to the observer and in all likelihood, also to their so and so.

Another example would be yesterdays post. I have been trying to figure out what people want to read so I can please them, so they will keep coming back. It seemed that the last couple of posts that were more data based psychology were being read more. Therefore, I assumed I had to post something that was data based with book references.
I may not be wrong in that assumption, however, the post I ended up writing had not been intended to be anything like it turned out to be. I still don't know what that was, but that's not the point.

I was trying to please an invisible audience rather than myself. It didn't work. I was not happy with what I wrote, and it seems not too many people were either.


HOW DOES ONE BECOME A PEOPLE PLEASER?
Like most aspects of our personalities we learn them from our babyhood. We need to please our parents because we are totally dependent on them as toddlers and children. We may actually realize it in a way that is not very mature. Unfortunately, many of us don't reach a maturational level where we understand that our child's perspective no longer is valid.

Unless you're someone who wants to know what goes on inside that head of yours, you are very unlikely to look inside yourself. Oh, Yeah, many people used to watch Oprah and Dr. Phil. I will hope that it really opened up a lot of people's minds. Unfortunately,  you may have noticed that the audiences were mostly females. Yeah. We want that information alright. Enlighten us as long as you tell us we're right. Or the other person is wrong.  I'm being harsh. I did get people thinking and that's usually a good thing.

That was a digression. Sorry. I can't help those. And, I don't want to. Take that you unpleased person!

If our "pleasing" behavior is rewarded in some way, or at least not punished, it becomes a part of a repertoire of our personality. Southerners were  very big on manners.  There was always a please and thank you and a yes sir or mam.  I'm a guessing if ya didn't mind yo manners yo was slapped upside the head.  Slapped that behavior right in there.

As was mentioned before, the type of pleasing, well it could be positive or negative.  You've all heard of children who act out so they can get attention because negative attention is better than none. Nothing is worse than being ignored.  As Mark Twain put it and this is not a direct quote because I can't remember exactly how he put it but  "There is nothing worse than being gossiped about except not being gossiped about".



HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER?
  I'm thinking that most people who think in some way that they do please people, or try to because it's the politically correct thing to do. Always has been. We're supposed to be civilized and by being nice, and polite to others, in that sense, we do attempt to be pleasing.

 It's when it goes much deeper than that. It's when you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no. Doing things you really don't want to do. Being unable to tell people what you really want. And, if you've been doing it long enough, you have no idea what you actually do want. "YOU" got lost a long time ago.  At least it seems that way.  If it were so, then you wouldn't find yourself getting so angry and resentful at everyone else. You even get mad at yourself and may not be sure why.



I'm hearing the lyrics, "if you can't please everyone then you gotta please yourself. dootin doo dooo be aba got to please yourself".   Okay. Rick Nelson, Garden Party.
 Do you remember Rick Nelson? From the Ozzie and Harriet TV show in the 1950s. He was a teen idol. Maybe one of the first. He grew up as people do and he was booked at concert. It may have been Madison Square Garden because I think that's where the name of the song may have come from.  People expected him to sing his old songs, all the favorites and when he started to sing his new music, they booed. I can't imagine what he must have felt like. However, it did lead him to write this song.

So, do you resent doing things for people? You might not but do you do things for other peoples all the time? Do you have a problem saying no?
  Give it some thought and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

FINDINGS:
There are millions of people who try to please others. They are unhappy, and may not know why.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO IF I AM ONE?

It really isn't that difficult once you realize the problem. Of course, when someone asks you to do something, or you volunteer out of habit, you need to stop yourself and ask, "Do I really want to do this?  Why am I doing this? If the answer is something like, I want to be liked, it's the right thing to do, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, it would make my mother happy or anything like that, you're not doing it for the right reason.

What is the right reason to do something, especially for someone else? Because you want to. It will make you feel good, maybe about yourself. Who knows?

There are things we do for others, like spouses, friends and children that we believe they want us to do. Yet, they don't appreciate our efforts.  Often it's because it's not what they want and they're pleasing us by not saying anything.  The remedy to this, is to ask. I know. Radical thinking.  Like hon, do you want to bla bla bla? Or do you still like bla bla bla? Or in an actual situation, you can ask if they want to go wherever or want you to do whatever. Whey? Because we think we can read minds and we can't. We hear people say something and we mishear it most of the time.  This new way of life calls for changes.

1)  Ask yourself if you want to do what is being asked of you.
2) Learn how to use the word "NO".
3) Ask the person to clarify what they're asking.
4) Ask the person what they want.
5) As yourself what you want.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING SELFISH:
  There is a difference between selfishness and taking care of oneself.   If you don't take of yourself, no one else will. You are no longer a child and as an adult you are very capable of meeting your own needs. Once you remember what they are.  You can be a kind, caring and giving person and still take care of your own needs. They are not mutually exclusive. Hell, I'll bet everyone will feel better. If you stop doing things you'd rather not do, you won't be as angry or resentful. That means that what you actually do will be more honest and I'd bet the person you're doing it for will feel the difference.  That makes it a win win.

MY FAVORITE COUNTRY SONG:

WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'D BE GLAD TO EXPLAIN IT IF IT'S TOO HARD TO COMPREHEND.  WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?


And so, when I try to think of something to write here, I will try to write what I'm interested in, or thinking about and hope that you're okay with that. I can't read your minds. If you don't tell me, well, that's on you and you can read other things.  I can't please everyone, so I've got to please myself.   la la la la. Applause, hooting, howling and self appreciation.