* (AD) When you see this in the text, it refers to "another digression." It sounds better than going off on another tangent but is the same thing.
Kinda.
This question was on my mind yesterday morning. I was going to an appointment, after which I didn't have anything scheduled. So, I dressed in my work out clothes, so I would hopefully go to the gym. (I did)
Before I left home, I asked my husband what he thought, not about the work out, the question. His answer was really good so I wrote it on a piece of paper. Or course I can't find it now, and he's not home. It was about feeing good rather than being good or doing right.
What he said made sense.(What I wrote probably doesn't) But, who doesn't like to feel good? Well, at least in the moment. Unfortunately, you may not see or feel the consequences immediately, like clogging your arteries, or dumping sugar in your blood like you would a cup of coffee or inhaling smoke into your lungs. All you know is that it feels good right now.
Weight is a little easier to see, if you want to. First you need a scale, then you need to use it. I do both because this is one of my crazy areas. I get very upset when I gain weight. However, I adamantly refuse to give up chocolate. So, since something had to go, it was mostly real food. I am not holding myself up as a good example. Just an example.
(Possibly *AD ) I was diagnosed with early on-set osteoporosis, even though I was on medications for several years to prevent it. [A bad thought would be, "yay. lucky me".] It took a while to sink in, but five years ago I got worried enough to do something. I found a plastic surgeon who treated people with bioidentical hormones and for four years I went every four or so months. Don't tell anyone, one of the reasons was mostly to avoid exercising because it was easier. Although the prescription for healthier bones is to do weight bearing exercise, I hadn't. Very logical and rational thinking. Fortunately, the treatment brought up my bone mass to good old osteopenia. I actually had a good result. Then I stopped taking the hormones for several reasons which aren't relevant. What is relevant was the question, "What do I do now?"
The answer was join a fitness center and do weight bearing exercises. The trouble with attempting to outrun your problems is that they catch up, then pin you up against a wall. I'm old enough to know that, and stubborn enough to keep running. If that kind of running burned calories and gave us muscles, this post might not be necessary. Hah!
The question of why I won't change my diet or my lifestyle is not a new one. I've been struggling with it since my sister died and I used food to comfort me. My boyfriend at the time told me I was fat and watched my food intake. Yeah. The good times.
Nearly everyone I know has some issue or other that needs to be addressed by a change in behavior.
So.
Is there something really wrong with us? Or at least many of us? Even people who appear to live healthy life styles often have secret vices which may be even more harmful than the ones those of us can openly admit to, or can plainly be seen.
What about the friends we have. You know the ones. Maybe it's you. You ignore pain, hoping it will go away. You hate the dentist so you don't go for years. You go to the doctor but don't fill the prescription because it's too expensive. You went outside with a wet head and caught a cold? Okay. That one isn't true. Just something someone's mother made up to keep her child from leaving the nest
Anyway. There are so many different ways to not do what we should. Some are trivial, others are life threatening. I wondered, what the hell is wrong with us? People with cancer go through the most God awful treatment and pray it works. They bargain with God so it won't come back.
And the survivors, often go back to the behaviors that may have contributed. Like smoking. Same for people with heart disease. It's so hard to change your diet. I already told you about me. So don't think I'm throwing stones or judging. I'm not. I'm trying to understand so I can do better.
That was the question. It was time to find the answer. I believe there is one.
Time to do some research. Thank God it wasn't real research, because I hated doing that.
* (AD) When I was in graduate school we had very few computers. Not everyone had one at home. it was before Windows (the computer type, not the ones you stare out of when you're bored. Although there were no windows to look out of in the stacks of the library so you made sure you didn't get bored) and for sure, we had no internet.
I do not want to go on about how many hours I had to spend at actual libraries, on weekends, photocopying articles to take home so I could write papers, or theses or whatever.
Then of course when I had to do my own research project for my doctorate.........well, that was a new fresh hell and I do not want to think about it.
So, I went online and looked it up. Here's what I found.
The first order of business for me, was of course looking for the psychological reason, which I know to be called resistance. This was defined by Wiki as: phenomenon often encountered in clinical practice in which patients either directly or indirectly oppose changing their behaviors or refuse to discuss, remember or think about presumably clinically relevant experiences. The word presumably is there because most current theorists don't like Freud and this way they aren't actually giving what he said credence. That's biased and if I had the time and energy I would go on Wiki and dispute it. *(ad) A hypothetical example might be a woman who goes into therapy because she has all kinds of sexual issues, but won't talk about her childhood or her sexual experiences. Duh?
- The theory of Dr. G. (that would be me) on first blush, and little thinking was fear. Fear is behind many of the things we do or don't do, so it should play a role. Fear has a tendency to shadow you, so when you turn around to look for it, you can't see it. And from what science has taught us, just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Germs, atoms, ghosts. You do feel it, although it can disguise itself like the great shape shifter it is.
- Then I found an online article titled, "Why don't we do what we know we "'Should'"? by Anyaa H'redulla. She posited the question, gave examples and went on to her theory.I will save them, for suspense, until the answer is revealed.
- The next article had practically the same title with only one difference. It used the singular rather than plural. He used "we" and she used "I". This article was featured in The Second Edition of Carnival of Improving Life. It gave examples of things we don't change, like procrastinating, (I forgot because I usually don't) and not willing to give up things you really liked or wanted. You know, spending money, going on vacations or eating out. The kicker as he saw it, was that even if the behavior interfered with their goal and even if the person was really invested in achieving that goal, they still couldn't do what they should or could. Quit your job to start the business you've always wanted means giving up shopping. The woman wouldn't do it.{ For me, if I had quit my job, it would have meant giving up eating, not just eating out, shopping and paying rent. Sound like a good idea to you either?} Anyhoo.
So far, I don't think you have heard much that is new. And possibly won't read (I changed that from hear because in my head it's a conversation)
anything earthshattering for a while. I do believe you will. I won't promise that because I don't make promises I can't keep.
Here are some of the reasons that were given for why we don't do what we know we should.
When we fail to do the things we believe we should, we end up feeling guilty and this erodes our self esteem and our confidence. The author asked "why"?
She believed it was her ego that was responsible for keeping her "small" and had in fact been finding ways to feel bad about herself for years. She then talks about reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and realized that she had identified with being a failure and not changing was simply her ego's way of maintaining a status quo.
*AD It was a author and what she is saying is for some, accurate.
As per Tolle, the ego wants to be right no matter what. It's only job is to maintain its identity and survive. This keeps us from our spiritual self and allows us to maintain this false identity no matter what.
To combat this, one must be aware of the times when you are not living in the present; when you are fighting to be right; when you feel guilty; when you feel less than or depressed.
So put on your boots and kick the past and future goodbye.
I have tried to live in the present. I believe with all my heart that what is being said it true. However, I must have a very weak will and a strong ego, because whenever I feel I'm getting out, it always manages to pull me back in. Thank you Al Pacino.
I don't know anyone who is capable of this. Maybe for a couple of minutes here and there, but on the whole, it really doesn't work. In fact, when you can't do it, your ego makes you feel even worse since you've been given the key and don't use it. Just what I needed. My ego thumbing its nose at me.
Where does that leave us?
The next article mentioned motivation. Maybe you don't really want it that bad?
He, thinks that you may not want yourself to succeed because you don't desire it badly enough. Hmm. When I read that, I read deserve, rather than desire. That tells you a bit about me and my way of looking at things.
Getting back to this guy, he quotes his mom telling him " Don't be TOO comfortable, otherwise, you stop advancing".
I just had the image of his mom and him, when he was a baby. She, leaving him in a dirty diaper so he wouldn't get comfortable and would learn how to change it himself. My bad.
The rest goes on about leaving our comfort zone. I can agree that many of us don't like to do that.
However, we all have to.
It becomes a matter of just how uncomfortable we don't like to get. That would be different for everyone.
He also mentions my friend fear. He believes that the fear of change and being stuck in a routine, can destroy your motivation to move ahead. (I don't agree with this part).
It can also be like stepping into the unknown and we naturally dislike this. This, I do agree with.
Most species are uncomfortable with the unknown. With good reason. It could be dangerous. That's why we have brains that are supposed to be able to do risk assessment and figure out if it is or isn't safe. Those of us with fears that are out of proportion and can recognize this, realize there is a problem.
If you're not too afraid of what you'll fine, you seek outside help. If you are, you may read books instead. I guess it's kind of like being hungry, not wanting to cook, and not wanting to go out because blah blah blah excuse you have; so you order in Chinese.
His two favorite sayings are "Do what you fear and you control your fear" and
"The pain of change is forgotten once the benefits of that change are realized".
I guess that's why some women have two kids and some only have one.
He says to fear nothing. Face it and the fear will dissipate.
I'm imagining standing face to face with a huge, black Grizzly bear. My fear has dissipated along with my body that has been mangled and eaten by the bear.
I fear the gym. I see myself standing in front of it facing my fear. I walk in the doors and see machines that look like torture devices and I fear hurting myself because I don't know how to use them. No good? I fear myself growing old with hunched shoulders and neck and I am going to the gym because I don't want that. That's working for me now.
How long will I be able to stay motivated? Only time will tell and it may be a daily struggle.
So, what then is the reason? If there is in fact one. There may be many and more important. How do we overcome and change? In some sense it doesn't matter what the cause is since if we can find a way to do something to change, who cares where it came from?
Well, me. Which is good because it lead to an answer.
I asked the smartest psychologist I know. No, that is definitely not me. Also, it's like the saying that the lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a lawyer.
Also, I got a very interesting answer and what seems like a recipe to combat self defeat. Even if everything that I just wrote is true, how does that help us to change?
Here is some information that leads to a way to change.
Did you know that our brains are programmed to function to keep the status quo? I didn't think that. Brains are supposed to be pliable and always learning. I believe that is true but it is also true that but the brain is always busy.
Even if you don't have ADHD. Without your being aware, it's regulating your breathing, you blood pressure, your heart rate, your eyesight, hearing and well, you get the idea. Oh yeah, your thinking and feeling as well.
You better pray it's at least as good as the anesthesiologist who's monitoring all your body's activity during that surgery you didn't think you'd ever need. If he or she spaces out for a moment or two you could be getting paddled, and not the good kind. That's a joke, I don't think there is a good kind of paddling although EL James would disagree.
The brain is just like me. It doesn't want any more assignments. It's like, "what? my plate is already full and you want to give me something different? No fricking way!
Then vs. Now
When we are little, things are different. The brain is still always monitoring our body functions.
*(AD) ( I have been writing this for days, so I'm not stopping to look up anything, but it may start monitoring functions in-utero when it has developed sufficiently. )
Infants are programmed to learn. Actually,
child development seems to be on a,flexible schedule but with a particular sequence, since all babies and children develop similarly . Remember all those developmental milestones we either learned about or watched our children go through.
Wasn't it fun when they repeated exactly what we said? Especially the curse words. And when we voiced our displeasure, they repeated that too. In order to shape them into good citizens we told them not to do a lot of things. And if we were angry, we may not have said it in the kindest way. You know, like " Stop being so stupid. If you don't (fill in the blank) ___
you'll never amount to anything or no one will ever love you". If you were lucky, your parents balanced the words and gave you sufficient self esteem and a feeling that you were loved and loveable.
That's important, but in this post I'm focusing on the thought patterns our minds created from listening and internalizing all these words. Not whether or not you had good parents.
An easy way of looking at it is that you were a blank tape and you recorded all these messages. And again, for this post, we're going to focus on the negative ones because they are the ones that get in our way.
The brain runs on autopilot. You don't have to think. We just accept whatever we hear in our heads and follow accordingly. Why question ourselves? We're always right, no?
We may be right, or we may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. Sorry, the first part of the sentence just flowed into that great Billy Joel song.
When I used to think about going to the gym my brain would automatically say, "I hate the gym". I heard it, and usually would have accepted it, but I knew that my bones would crumble if I didn't go, so why would I tell myself that? Was it true? No. I gave it some thought. There are things I enjoy about going to the gym. The parking lot isn't full, it's a little more than five minutes away, so, what was my problem? Perhaps my brain doesn't like the idea of having to do something else, so the old me, who didn't like going to the gym 30 years ago, throws that old message in my face and I believe it. Until I decide I won't.
And that's what one has to do to change. Huh? We have to tape over the old words with new ones. Ones that meet who we are now, as grown ups.
You can let your thoughts control you, or you can control your thoughts. No, it's not easy and it won't happen over night, but it will happen.
Your brain wants you to be safe. It learned what safe was for a four year old. Thoughts like, I can't do that, I might get hurt would be common and could keep you from expanding into who you could be.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
What you need to do is to pay attention. You'll know it when a thought comes through that makes you feel comfortable. Not necessarily good, but comfortable. There is a difference.
I'm trying to think of an example. Other than exercise. Let's see. Thanksgiving dinner. Eating that delicious meal feels so good. It tastes so good and all your favorites are there. After a while, even though it may still taste good, you notice you are starting to feel uncomfortable. Maybe a little stuffed? Maybe you need to unbutton your pants? What are you thinking?
You probably have no idea. You're in a food coma. Or that's what you tell yourself. Or it could be, like I'll go on a diet tomorrow. When will I get to do this again? Keep eating. OR- Oh My God. I'm going to throw up. Why did I do this? I do this all the time and I don't stop? What's wrong with me? I'm a fat pig and I never learn.
Those are the tapes you had installed. Do you want to think you're a pig who will never learn? Well that tape will loop and loop until you stop it. You are asking, HOW?
When you hear it playing you stop it. You replace it with a positive thought. I enjoy eating and I'm glad I know when I've had enough. Whatever works for you.
You don't have to believe. Not yet. If you repeat it enough, you'll believe it, and you'll become it. Your brain will learn when you've had enough and will stop taking in more.
I could spend days writing about this in more detail. If I haven' already, I'd lose your attention and then, you wouldn't get it.
Start with one that you can recognize easily. One that you hear in your head often. Just do one. If you overload, you'll lose track and your brain will laugh at you.
You can also create a mantra. Louise Hay, has written some great books about
self -healing and one of her things is to find a phrase, and say it a few hundred times a day for three days. If you'd like an all inclusive one to start with, "I love and accept myself exactly as I am" is a good one. It can override a lot of the negativity from the past. Self acceptance leads to less self criticism and some of the old thoughts get wiped in the process. And with that, I am done.*(AD) I can't read through this one more time, so please forgive typos and/or stupidity.
The theory of change: Funny, what came to mind immediately was the musical, "Peter Pan". Remember when Peter came to the Richard's family home and was teaching the children to fly? "Think happy thoughts" was what Peter told them. And when they did, they flew.
Perhaps that was a metaphor. Think well of yourself and you will be able to soar at whatever you choose.
