IS PSYCHADELIC VISION A POST SURGERY EFFECT? OR IS THE FLASHING IN MY EYE NORMAL?

Good morning to all.  I had my surgery on Weds. and saw the Doctor early yesterday morning. He asked how I was feeling and I'm sorry, but that's a hard question for me. Especially in the morning before I know. Anyway.
He said everything looked good. Bla bla bla.

I forgot to mention, at least I think I forgot. I told my husband before we left, but his hearing is as bad as my knowing anything in the mornings.

I have to wait until his office opens before I can call with my question.

IS IT NORMAL FOR YOU TO BE HAVING A PULSING IN THE SURGICAL EYE?

I have a condition in my eyes that has been called ocular migraines. No pain, but for at least 20 minutes, my vision goes wonky.
It's like there's a prism that's moving and even with my eyes closed it keeps on jumping.  It's harmless (allegedly) and it's a similar sensation to what I have now. Except when I close my eyes, it goes away. That's good. But not good enough.

It's worse with light or brightness. It is actually similar to what I saw during the laser part of the surgery without the colors.

It is of course, quite annoying. Well, I know. So am I and lots of people put up with me.

So, if there's anyone reading this who might know something. Please write. I'd be freaking out but it's morning and I'm not sure how I feel. Yet.

AND WHY WHERE WE COME FROM AND OUR NEED FOR AFFILIATION MAY BE THE DEATH OF US PART DEU

mom, dad, sister and cousins

Hello again.
Tomorrow I'm getting my first cataract surgery done and I'm not clear how long it will take for my vision to evolve. As in, how do you see with one fixed, but not clear eye and one you need your glasses for?

In any event, I decided to do this now, at least to start on it so I won't forget.
I was thinking about the need for affiliation and it led to me think about how that also can be such a destructive force.  Like if you're not one of us, you're not allowed to live.

HYPOTHESIS
We need to feel a sense of belonging. We find one or more groups to belong to. Can one be too affiliated? Or can one be so affiliated that the exclusion of others is part of the affiliation.

I believe that history will bear out that the need to exclude is as strong as the need to feel that you belong. Or unfortunately, stronger. As in, most wars have been fought  because of some difference, believed, made up, ridiculous or whatever.

COCLUSION:

Man, are we fucked.

Think about it. Really. I need to belong to my tribe. I like my tribe. It's a nice tribe and I feel good about them.

You belong to a different tribe. You like your tribe. They are nice to you. You feel good about them.

Our tribes do not agree on the color of the sky. We believe this is important because our Gods have told us what the color is, so we know we have the inside dope.

golden sky

If we could agree to disagree, we'd make it. Usually, every tribe has one. You know who I mean. The one with the big mouth. The one who can't let shit go.

One day, he meets my friend on the grass and says, " hey asshole, how is your grey sky?"  My friend, does not like his tone, and says, "get lost dude."

He comes back home and tells us the story. We are appalled at such treatment. We are proud our man's restraint. Someone says, you should have kicked his ass man. Someone else says, nah, they aren't worth it. They're idiots. They think the sky is golden.

As a little time passes, it becomes a "thing". Each tribe jokes in a sarcastic way but nothing happens.

 Not until that little spark that causes the war.  Like two little kids meet and start playing in the meadow. One says to the other, "isn't that a beautiful gold sky? " The other says, "huh"? The sky is grey." "nu uh. I was told it was gold." Their parents come over and hear them and  get into a fist fight because one kid is lying to the other.

grey sky

So everyone goes home and picks up stick and rocks and they meet in the meadow and start throwing things. Many people are hurt and some killed.

The tribes are at war. If they have any friendly tribes, they will no doubt drag them into the conflict. 

So you take sides. You have to keep your affiliation or your group will throw you out and then what? How can you live with people who believe the sky is grey?

And so it goes.

THEORY

I GET REALLY CRANKY ON AND AFTER BEING ON PREDNISONE. SO WORLD. BE CAREFUL.
IT'S ME ON STEROIDS.

SO, WHY DOES IT MATTER TO US WHERE WE COME FROM?

Even when I was much younger, I had a level of curiosity about my family roots. Of course, I had hoped that I had been adopted when I did not want to be related to my nuclear family, whatever the reason may have been.  And trust me, I could always find something.

However, I never asked anyone in the family specific questions. They didn't seem to matter and I had all my mom's aunts' surrounding me. How quickly time goes. They died, and I never got to know way too many things.

Fortunately, for a graduate course back in 1983, I had to do a paper which was a case study of my family based on a multigenerational view.

Thank God for my knowledge based hoarding trait. I still have the paper and the a piece of cardboard with a very limited family tree.


I had asked a few questions and gotten some answers. I was concerned with moving forward in my life and didn't give thought to really looking back.

I just took out the paper. I was 33. Wow. Half a life ago. My mom was 70. By then the grandparents were all, already dead. The only information I had was how old they were when they passed, and what country they were from in the old world. I have found that one of those was probably incorrect.

Ancestry.com has been around for a few years. They have a TV show I think.  The one where celebrities find their roots and get flown all around the world.

Of course, you and I are not going to have it handed to us the easy way.

And still, new are sites are popping up. People now realize they can charge money for what was old, public information.

HYPOTHESIS

Recalling  a post from when I first began, I explained research. A hypothesis is an educated guess. I have some information and I have an idea of what it might mean, so I state a hypothesis and test the theory. FYI. I'm not testing anything. Unless you all decide to give me responses and this can then become a survey based research project.

Most humans have a trait for curiosity. Most humans are self-concerned. For survival, the more one knows about oneself, the more easily one can protect oneself.

I have no idea whether this is accurate or not. Whether it might be relevant. I don't care.  Well, not so much.  However, it gives me a place to start with my question. Why does it matter to us where we come from? Or came from? I'm not sure which would be correct.

There is also the collective curiosity which has lead to such fields of study as world history, anthropology, archeology, evolutionary psychology, sociology and I have no way of knowing how many others.

You don't know it but I need a break. I'll be back and you won't even know I was gone. Technology is like that. So is reading and writing.

I have to say, I didn't want to come back. I'm tired. Where were we?

Ah. I just tried to read a Wiki paper on Jewish DNA.  It was way over my head, and I can't remember how I put the font on the computer which is too small and fancy to read and now I can't get rid of  it.

So, if they use the Y gene, they trace the papas. They seem to be the goo holding it together. However, there are two other ways of looking at DNA, which are Mitochondrial (mommy) and autosomal (individual).

I think I've gotten off track. Shock!

WHY DO I CARE?

I have not answered this question yet.  Being brought up with negativity I can tell you some of the things I don't care about. Probably because I know them. The family health issues. I know there were mental health issues, I know that heart problems rather than cancer seem to be the "killer" and I know where I got my coloring, flat feet and temperament from.

From all the psychotherapy I know how I got crazy. What I don't know, not completely, is how my parents got crazy. Well, mostly I'm in the dark about  my mom. Man, something had to demolish her self esteem. I can't imagine anyone being born that way. 
 Dad's dad was a rage-aholic  and his mother was seriously depressed and institutionalized for a year. Again, how did their parents get to be who they were. For me, that's what it's about. Everyone will have their own reasons.

WHY DO YOU CARE?

Hell if I know. That's yours to figure out. You may also not give a crap. That's fine too. Or maybe you come from one of those families who already knows everything. I was always so envious of you. Written down in the family bible or tales handed down with family treasures.


THEORY

Human beings have a biological and psychological need to know from where they came. We human beings are social creatures. We cannot survive on our own. A sense of belonging is most likely innate. We create families, groups of friends and acquaintances because we have a strong need for them. Therefore, if you can feel a connection to a group of ancestors. your family, you have proof that you belong to someone. Avery special group affiliation. You know you are not alone and should never have to be. Even when they are all dead and gone, they're still with you.

I LIKE MY DOCTORS AND THEY SEEM TO LIKE ME, BUT ......THEY STILL MAY ACCIDENTALLY KILL ME. NO, I TAKE THAT BACK, THE INSURANCE COMPANY WILL KILL ME.

   Good morning all. Well, not really but it's not polite to say, hi, when the fuck am I going to feel better?

   This cough, which began Tuesday, has gotten me thinking. We all know how really dangerous that is. But I am who I am.

   Monday I scheduled my two cataract surgeries. The first for April 13. On Tues. I had to help my hubby clean out the garage to make space for the coming Kayak. Later that day I started coughing. Very dry and very deeply.
    It continued on Weds. and I was so thankful that I had a wellness visit scheduled with my FD (here to be known as family doctor).  I was still hacking, but at least it was no longer dry.  Also, I needed a pre-op visit to okay me for surgery. That was a good thing. Right?


   I had never actually had a well care visit. It is something that Medicare pays for and so the doctors must like to do them. 
   Obviously I didn't get one. I was sick and she also had to do a pre-op for the surgery. I said I was lucky to have it already scheduled. It really was. I am not being facetious.  So we postponed the wellness and started on with the cough.

  She actually listened to my breathing. I know. Doctors rarely touch you these days even though it's called a physical. Or maybe it isn't called that anymore.  She agreed that the cough was bad. But she sat and kept thinking and began to calculate whether there was enough time to "cure" me before getting my eye fixed. She really wanted to help me to not have to postpone. Which is nice.

  She prescribed that lovely little  shock your body prednisone pack and a z-pack (antibiotics) which would bring me to the day before the BIG day. I take the last prednisone Tuesday morning and see her at 10:15 so she can see if I'm good to go.

 Instead of panicking, which is my general modality (recall anxiety posts) I gave it over to God. Let Her worry because I was powerless over the outcome. It's Sunday and I'm still powerless and still coughing. And now, I'm getting well, not nervous, but unhappy.

 This is the fun part of the conversation with my doc. I saw her 6 weeks ago and I don't remember why. Anyway, she looked at my computer chart and asked about the Spiriva medication I was taking. I told her I'd been on it for some years, but the doctor prior to her said it wasn't COPD.

     He didn't say what it was either. Actually, I liked him. His contract with the corporation was over and he headed for the hills. He is now a concierge doctor. I hope he has rich friends. Anyway,  I saw him go from a really involved good doctor into hiding the beaten down man who had to rush from room to room.  So this FD is fairly new. I've only seen her 3 or 4 times.

   The last time she checked my lungs she said they were clear. I asked if I should see a pulmonary specialist and she said no, it was probably asthma. I may have been hallucinating but how would I know? She changed my meds to Breo because she thought the Spiriva was like overkill or something equivalent.

     Remember I have auditory memory processing issues so I can't really be certain of what I heard. I know. Write it down. I do, and I write what I thought I heard. hah to you smart asses. yeah, I should tape her on my phone. I'm sure she'd love that.

  Anyway, back to now. I decided to see what she had written as a diagnosis. This new medical group/facility/corporation? is good with that. They give you a print out when you leave that has all the information on it.

  I was diagnosed with : malaise and fatigue
                                   upper respiratory tract infection, unspecified type
   and                           Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

  I would have sworn she said Asthma last time but I looked and it said COPD, unspecified type. I asked. She said, no you have COPD. Oh well. It's a good thing I quit smoking 30 years ago.

  Now I forgot why I'm bitching. Damn. Let me think. Oh yeah. They may kill me.

  Who waits until the day before surgery to cancel? Not me. I think it's so rude. But I'm following her instructions. Today I started to take the three different eye drops, four times a day for the surgery that I may or may not be having  in three days.  Oh I better set an alarm or I'll forget to take the next set. Thanks for reminding me.

   She told me she did not have a copy of the pulmonary tests I'd taken from some years back because it was a different corporation/group bunch of MD's. They were supposed to send all my records, but you know how that always goes.

   Would it kill HER to get a new one? Well not now of course, but still.

Which leads me to the other recent close encounter I've had that belongs to the "you must be kidding" kind.

  I'm guessing it was 9 or 10 months back when I needed a  gynecological procedure for a polyp. That went fine. I think that may have been when she saw or felt or intuited a small cyst on my left ovary. Or what's left of the poor thing.

  When I was 23 I had cysts on both my ovaries and after the cysts were removed I developed scar tissue. It's worsened over the years, but at least the left one had been visible.

   Anyway, she had me come in for an ultrasound sonogram. Oh Hell.  The one where you drink enough water to fill a camel for a week in the desert but aren't allowed to pee. 
 
   I did the test and they got measurements and decided it was benign.  The best thing to do was a three month watch.  So, I came back in three months It didn't seem to have grown or it would have been sticking out more.

  So I made another three month later appointment.  I got a call the day before, that the tech was in the hospital, which made me feel bad. I was getting to know her, after all. The next week they would have a tech in so we rescheduled.

  And the best part was, NO WATER!!!!!  I hadn't met her, but I liked this new girl.


 The tech told me and she also said that she was sure that things were okay.

  I waited a week and got the phone call to check my results on line. It is so cool to have doctor portals. I love that you can communicate with them, and the one's I have are really good at getting back to me. I told you they like me.

 So I read the report. It said, the small benign cyst on the right ovary seemed small enough and still benign ,so watching might not be necessary if there were no symptoms. That was all well and good except, wasn't it my left side?

 I went back and checked the former reports and yeah, it was on the left.

  And so I wrote to the doctor asking her what was Up??

   I love this. Not the oops I was expecting. Not even close. How's this?
 
  She went overall the previous images and decided that what they had been observing on the left side was a vein. I'm still attempting to understand this. 

     The cyst on the right ovary is there now, but it is benign and very small. If I want to watch it or do anything I should tell her.

  I have been filling myself up to over capacity with water every three months to check on a FUCKING VEIN?  sorry for the language.

  The problem is that these are good doctors. I've gone to bad ones and I do know the difference. My gynecologist has known me 10 years and has done two or three surgeries. She has fixed my problems and is a good doctor and good person.

   I know that Doctors aren't Gods. Even though I've met my share who would disagree.

  But, it you read the news, which I try not to, many deaths are due to medical errors. And this is after they are trying so hard to not make them. Have a procedure done at a surgical center. They check your name, DOB, what you ate, what you're there for, at least four times. I know this because I've had so fricking many procedures since I moved to Florida. However, I have not been sick once in ten years. Why now?

SO
  I recently sliced open my thumb. You may recall the photo?  While I was at the ER they asked to give me a Tetanus shot. This brought back a flashback from when I was 19.

  Again, if you've been keeping up, you read about my pervy allergist. The allergy tests revealed that one of the things I was MOST allergic to was horses. I had forgotten about that.

  The reason it is so embedded in my brain comes from when my old family doctor, the one who actually used to come to the house when I was little, was going to give me a tetanus shot. I nonchalantly said, you do remember I am allergic to horses and the regular shot is made from horse serum?  He said, oh yes. Hold on a moment. He went into the back room and came out again. Possibly with another needle. I was too scared to ask. Obviously I survived, but I have been terrified of Tetanus ever since.

  I believe they now have some synthetic form. So, when the nurse asked to give me the shot, I asked if she knew what it was made from, explaining my former issue.  She walked out, came back and said she didn't know and would it be okay to not have a shot? I said sure. She asked when my last one was, and I couldn't recall.

Probably because I was still alive.

    I hope I haven't bored you to death. I know there were lots of tales in there and I'm quite sure I have many more of equivalent "wow, I'm not dead" stories.

    I'm just making a point. Which I think I have gotten to.

THE CURRENT STATE OF HEALTH CARE

don't lose your balance

  Just an aside. This is not going to go into what has become known as "Obamacare".  I believe this started long before his plan. This is about greed and my distaste for insurance companies.

   I am 66 years old and have had enough encounters with doctors over my life.
When I was young I didn't know about health insurance. It wasn't until my ovarian cysts that I found out about it.
   The office accountant where I worked had forgotten to put me in for insurance. At least for the doctor part. I can't recall paying the hospital bill. But the surgeon, my gynecologist's bill was $500. That was in 1973. And he's given me a discount since he'd also delivered me.
  Anyway, I paid it off somehow. I never knew what kind of insurance my parents had or didn't have. We didn't have so many specialists and unless you had really bad problems, you didn't go broke.

  When I started to work for the NYC Board of Education I got a really good, well, not expensive plan. I watched it change along with medical care over the next 25 years.  And then I retired. Again. To me it's ass backwards. When you're working you have income. You should pay more for meds and dr. visits because you have steady income. Nope. When you retire, and get a fixed income, they charge you more and give you less. And I shouldn't complain because I'm one of the lucky ones with insurance.

  The problem has become the expense to run a private practice. My gastroenterologist started at a large health corporation and left. I followed her because she's amazing. My husband  saw her a couple of months ago and she told him she couldn't afford to keep practicing on her own. All the government regulations and electronic systems just cost too much. She would have to join someone or something.


  Doctors have very little control over their practices anymore. Therein I believe lies the rub. They want to do their best, but with Big Brother looking over their shoulders and telling them how many patients they have to see, how may tests they can order and God knows what else, what can they do?

  There were always people who went into it for the money and prestige. Then there were those who had the calling. I don't think we'll be finding as many of those any more.

  Just to show how much things have changed, one of the least desirable specialty areas used to be psychiatry. That was when they talked to people and had a limited number of hours, so they couldn't make as much as other doctors.

  Now, they are leading the pack. What changed? They can sit at a computer monitor, ask questions as quickly as possible, give you a script and have you come back in a month. Then maybe three. And they can cram in as many as they can.

  Even those who love to do surgery can't do as much as they'd like. They are told to be in the office and push people in and out. I've heard this from two otolaryngologists. It's not like I talk to all the doctors I see. This is just a sampling.

THEORY
  
      We the people of the United States of America, no longer being of sound mind and body are allowing our government to be manipulated and controlled by outside interests that are contrary to ours.  You know. The citizens who
make up this country.

      This is working very well because the people in power are very smart. Do you see how they do it?  They pit us against each other. I don't know if Obamacare sucks or not and it doesn't matter. If we continue to fight over such nonsense we fail to see the bigger picture.

THE BIGGER PICTURE

   The people who are profiting do not want us to challenge them. They even blackmail the doctors who try.  I knew a doctor years ago, way before Obama who had his remuneration reduced by 20% by an insurance company.  He called to complain. He was put on hold. Later the rep said, "we have at least 60 doctors in your zip code who would like to join our network. Would you like to leave?" He said no and hung up.

   We are all getting screwed. We need a completely new system, but that's not going to happen.

so what does a person do?

   You have to be your own advocate. I'd love to say we ought to revolt, but I'm too old. I expect it will happen eventually because someone is going to finally say, "I'm sick as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

let's stop fighting each other

   In the meantime, watch your backs. Don't blame specific people or plans. Don't fight amongst yourselves. Just do some research.  Look at who is really running medicine. I tried to get the name of the CEO of the Heart and Family Health Corp. in Florida and found out it is a national organization and was not able to get information.  I did leave the group.

   Where is all the money going? Yes, Doctors are making more than we are. But they are also working more hours than ever and may not be able to give the care they want.

   Where is the money going? Who's pockets are lined with your illnesses and mine? My first vote goes to Insurance Companies. Then to the wonderful Drug Manufacturers'. Then, their lobbyists and the politicians they buy.

   Not that our votes matter. Everyone is in someone's pocket.

LET'S NOT TAKE IT OUT ON EACH OTHER OR OUR DOCTORS AND NURSES.

  ANOTHER SURPRISING STATISTIC ABOUT HEALTH. THE THING THAT DOCTORS COMPLAIN MOST ABOUT IN HELPING THEIR PATIENTS IS NON-COMPLIANCE.  SO WHEN YOUR DOCTOR TELLS YOU TO DO SOMETHING. DO IT. IF YOU DON'T, HE/SHE CAN'T HELP YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR HEALTH AND THEN YOU GET TO GO DOWN THE PATH OF NO RETURN.

man. this prednisone really makes me cranky.