Obessive Complusive Disorder. A brief primer.

       I have symptoms of OCD. This primer will be really short, because it's very late and I have to get up early tomorrow.
       As you may already know, you cannot stop an obsession or a compulsion. That is why I am not going to write this now, because I would be compelled to finish, not get enough sleep and feel like crap tomorrow. I can also see the future.
       Good night. This will be continued as soon as I find a few hours to write it.  See, I'm having trouble stopping. I need help. I'm going to ask my husband to pull me away and turn off the computer. Then, maybe tie me to the bed so I won't be able to come back.  "Hey Honey. HELP"

What is an "I'm sorry" worth?

        I was going to say, I'm sorry, I'm using the dictionary again, but I won't. I'm not sorry because I really don't have every definition of all English words memorized. And I shouldn't be sorry for wanting to be accurate.
     Wow. Webster's defines sorry as:
             1.  Full of sorrow, pity and sympathy.
             2.  Also used in apologizing or in showing mild regret.
      Could they be any further apart? Now I have to look up apology.

               Apology:
                  1. A formal spoken or written defense of some idea, doctrine etc.
                  2. An acknowledgement of some fault, wrong, etc. with and expression of
                      regret.

    I am one of those people who was raised to be polite. That meant saying, please and thank you. Holding doors for people behind you, and of course, saying "I'm sorry" if I had made an error of some sort.

    Also, being raised to believe that everything was my fault, and that I was responsible for it all, I became a chronic apologizer. Until , well, recently.

    It came to my attention that I said "I'm sorry", frequently, but then continued to do the things I was sorry for, repeatedly. Or I would say I was sorry for something over which I had no control.
        
            "I'm sorry you didn't get your package in the mail today"
            "I'm sorry the restaurant is so crowded, noisy, lousy, closed etc."  (only if I chose it)
             To customer service. "I'm sorry I'm yelling at you because I'm angry that I didn't get my
             delivery and I'm not angry at you, so please don't take it personally."

    I'm sure you get the picture. I had a friend, years ago who told me that he was so used to apologizing, that he could walk into a dark room, walk into a chair and apologize to the chair for bumping it.
    
        So. What is it worth when we say we're sorry?  According to me, not much. I've learned that if I did actually have control over what I did, and there are times I do, that saying I'm sorry doesn't cut it.
       What I need to do is change the behavior. Then, I won't need to say I'm sorry and the other person/persons won't feel I'm lying. Which I'm not, at least, not when I say it.
      
        Why do people apologize? Theory. We've been taught to be polite. We don't want to hurt someone's feelings. (read that as we don't want someone not to like us).  We don't want to get hit, yelled at, blamed etc.
     I suppose in some way it's a self-defense move that will hopefully keep the "other" from either thinking, or doing bad, back to us. So, it is really a very selfish thing to do. 

        A couple of days ago my husband quoted Egret, a character from the Game of Thrones series. The girl who loved John Snow. She said and this isn't exact, "Words. All words are is air".

        So an apology without change, is just air. We do it so often that it has lost any meaning.
I know a few people who never say they are sorry. If an "I'm sorry" came from one of them, It would be an  honor to hear it. 
         But I won't hold my breath because they don't say it for a reason.

        As for the rest of us, myself included,  we say it way too often. Really, it's become an excuse for behaving badly; expressing feeling bad for someone else, even if you had nothing to do with it, even it you mean it, is just air.  Expressing that you're sorry for doing something to someone else, even if you mean it, is also just air. Try behaving better. That's the real apology.

        And so, I have decided that I will no longer apologize to anyone for anything. I'm sorry.

The new news on the new Benifer

       Why does everyone care about Ben Affleck and his wife Jennifer?  Or ex-wife? Or if he has or doesn't have a young mistress?
        I don't want to know what's going on in the real world because the wars, the hideous things people do to one another make me ill,
        So, my opening page on-line is entertainment. Not serious, at least not to me. Most of the people they talk about I don't even know because I stopped giving up knowing that when I lost touch with my youth. Or maybe it was when I stopped pretending I was still young.
         Anyhow, I can't help but noticing all of this constant attention on this couple. How come they rate and other probably divorced people don't?
         I don't have the energy to make up a theory. You can if you want. I just wish they'd leave them and therefore me, alone.

Exercises in Futility - Appparently my favorite kind of exercise.

     Exercise isn't always physical. I generally think of it that way, mostly because I seem to think it's my least favorites type of exercise.  

     It can be:
         Performance of duties.
         Active use or operation.
         Activity for training or developing the body or mind; especially body exertion
         especially  for the sake of health.  (yeah I want flat abs so I look healthy).
         A problem or task to be worked out to develop some technical skill.
         To exert or have influence.

     Futile is defined as:
         Serving no useful purpose. Useless.

     I'm glad that was short and straight to the point.

     I wonder who put those two words together. They make a great team. Now that I'm thinking about it, it sounds very much like the common definition of crazy.  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

     In any event, I was getting frustrated since I've been trying to redo my office for 6 weeks and things have not been going smoothly. Mind you, the only actual physical work was having the room painted. It's not like I have a contractor and I'm changing walls and redoing the wiring.  Although I am thinking about putting in some overhead lights over the desks. Ah. Desks.
    A year ago I saw a desk on line that I fell in love with.  It's an old fashioned, tall architects desk.

This was what the room looked like when the desk arrived. We opened it and it was damaged.

That's it. I ordered it on /8/25. It got here on 9/4 and was picked up on 9/22.   In the meantime, I have ordered it from the same company, 4 times. At least so far I've only had to pay once.

      You may ask "why"?  If you have had experience with customer service, and I hate to say it, but these were all Americans from the Midwest, you don't need an answer.
       The room is being built around the desk. It is the last piece of furniture I will get, though it was the first I ordered. Two bookcase/cabinets were ordered. The first, they let me know after four days that it was discontinued and not in stock. Find another one. I did. That too was not in stock and maybe being discontinued. They didn't tell me. When I checked my account, it was pending shipping. Forever. So I called. Then I found out. Actually, it was the wrong color, but they managed to find the last one and put it in the shipment with the desk. I cancelled the cabinet because it was the wrong color, so they cancelled the desk because it was the wrong color. Again. I wasn't told.
   
   This is when I believe I realized that I was engaged in an exercise in futility. Hours on the phone. Emails to the supplier, seller and shipper, and still, no desk.
    Yet I persist. I now have dates for the three things I have ordered and am basically terrified. I don't want to put those vibes out because I believe you get what you send out. So, I'm praying that they all arrive undamaged.

  This was not going to be about this particular problem. I have engaged in many exercises in futility during the course of my life.
   When I was younger, it was trying to get the guy who didn't want me. I think that it brave to admit.

    So, is there a way to know before you start something that it is in fact, an exercise in futility? I believe so. You can ask yourself if this feels familiar. It can be something totally different in its action, but does the feeling feel comfortable? Ask about your expectations? Do you really think the outcome will be what you are expecting? Or is the outcome something you are hoping for?  There is a difference.

    I must be getting something from it if I keep doing it over and over. Do I really want to get this? Do I really deserve this?
    Theory. We do these things because we haven't broken an old pattern. Usually it's not a healthy one, but that never stopped us before.  As kids, lots of our exercises were futile. We were little and our parents dictated the outcome. We may have taken this in to mean that we weren't good enough to get what we wanted or our parents may have flat out said so. And we believed them. And somewhere deep inside, still do.
  
    Want to break the pattern?  Tell those old voices in your head (if you are hearing real voices seek psychiatric help asap) that they are wrong. You deserve to have your exercises or endeavors turn out well. The only thing that is futile is not changing what you can.




    And when all the furniture has arrived, and the room is set up. I'll blog a picture of it so we can all see that it was only an old pattern that brought up the thought, and it was wrong.

 

P.S.

 

thanks for caring and sharing this with others. I have to remember that things do work out. As you can see, I got the desk and the other things I wanted. I believe that the Universe gave me a gift for my trouble.

Notice the bookshelves?  Same maker, different supplier. First one came in damaged. This was at least usable until they could get me a new one. The maker never contacted me and I'm sure that it would have been more costly to ship it back cross country, so guess what. I now have two, which I couldn't have afforded but look how great they look.

 

New theory: Don't get yourself crazy, if you can stop those feelings, do. Things work out and the old crisis blends into the new one. It's your choice to decide whether or not your need crises in your lives.

I'm thinking you don't, 

Selective Hearing. If we heard it, how do we select not to hear it?

   I think that everyone can relate to this problem. Of course, couples would be the first to jump in and complain. However, children and coworkers are also afflicted with this disease.
    Selective means having the power to select. The example the dictionary gives is perfect.  "Radio, tending to select a specific station".
   According to one of my Psychology textbooks, Attention is selective. And also shiftable. We do receive many perceptions at once, and we do truly have to filter things out or we would be unable to  do anything because we would be bombarded by all our senses at once. It's good thing our brains know how to work this shit so we can focus on what we want. Or sometimes, when we don't have a choice, what's in front of us.
   So, why, when we are communicating with our spouses, do they not hear all the words? How do they manage to select out the ones that would make what you said, not insulting or commanding or mean? Yesterday my husband asked me to get him information from my gym. I said, I would, but they wouldn't have any because they make you come in so they can force you to sign up. If you read something you'd go, ah, maybe tomorrow. What did he hear? Not the "I would", but all that followed it. I heard in his voice, a response of , yeah, go f---- yourself. Not wanting to leave on that note I asked what was wrong which was good. He didn't hear that I would, so he was pissed at me for not doing something he asked.  By the way, I asked and was sent to the sales director who didn't have anything because they are always having specials. Had I not already had a huge problem with signing up, not gonna go into that now, I might have asked if they were taking out the pool, or replacing the machines or adding a gift shop or any other structural changes that would make a brochure out of date. But I didn't.  He doesn't' know how lucky (happy) he was.
   Our communications skills suck.  Maybe they always did and always will, but what part of our brain selects out the good part and leaves in the bad? It rarely works the other way around. Like your wife says you need a haircut because you look like Einstein and he hears you complementing him as being as smart as Einstein?
   As often as you will see, I will go back to our Paleolithic DNA. Everything was dangerous when our human lives began. We had to feel, sense, hear and see anything that might be a threat to or survival. So, fast forward and our ears are on the look out for something threatening. Will be ever catch up? I don't think so. If it did, I've have nothing to think or write about.

Why do people want you to be happy?

    I may be one of few, but I don't like the word happy. Look it up. "favored by circumstance" lucky" having, showing, causing a feeling of pleasure "suitable and clever".  Or at least according to a Concise edition of Webster's Dictionary, these are some of the meanings.
   So, when someone wishes me a happy birthday, are they hoping it is suitable and clever? I guess you'll all go with the feeling of pleasure definition. That sounds good.
   How often do you experience a feeling of pleasure? Or any of these on a continuous basis? Unless you're often drunk and/or on drugs, probably not often.
    So why is it that so many people ask you if you're happy? If I said, well maybe for a few minutes this morning when the scale was kind. Or maybe when I found that item I coveted on clearance.
    Because no one actually understands what it is the word means. Okay. That's mean and pejorative.  I just looked that last one up. I can't spell and since I'm talking about meaning, I wanted to be sure.
   I think, we are just creatures of habit, spewing out whatever we have learned over our lifetime. It's the same as the polite greeting we ask of our friends, "how are you?" praying they don't actually tell us because we have things to do and places to go, and let's face it, we don't always care.
  So, my theory becomes, being polite and using social graces is outdated and false but habitual. And like many habits. I should be broken.