The Psychology of Denial & Rationalization Not a very sexy title, but some important information.

 

I received a comment yesterday, about a past post I’d written about personality traits. The person wanted a follow up because there was so much more to understand and learn.

I don’t know exactly what focus the asker wanted more insight into. Since I already wanted to do a piece on denial I figured why not give it a go. I had tried to write one quite a while back, but I just couldn’t get it the way I wanted, so I gave up.

Here’s to second chances. {And long explanations. It’s who I am and what I do and it’s necessary so that I can explain everything.} Ps. this could be a mechanism called rationalization. That’s where I tell you the reason for something. The reason is true, but, it’s covering for something else that I’m not aware of.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS HEAD THE GROUPING THAT DENIAL IS IN.

 

Threatening situations tend to produce anxiety. This unpleasant state can lead to emotion focused coping that is defensive in nature.   Psychodynamic psychologists have identified various defense strategies that allow us to reduce anxiety caused by stressful situations, or our own shortcomings.  

 

Denial is one of many defense mechanisms that each of us has, but are usually unaware of. So let’s start with some definitions.*

 

DEFENSE MECHANISMS:

Any mental process used to avoid, deny or distort sources of threat or anxiety, especially threats to one’s self-image. Many of these defenses were discovered by Freud who assumed they operate unconsciously. Often they create blind spots in awareness.

 

HAVING DEFENSES IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT HELPS US COPE

Defenses are very important. Who could function while being aware of every awful thing that goes on around us?

As children, we develop coping skills that help us deal with the uncertainties and difficulties in our lives. This is a normal aspect of development. It only becomes problematic when these defenses are taken into adulthood and are no longer necessary and create difficulties.

 

DENIAL:

This is one of the most basic, and earliest defense to develop. It is used to protect oneself from an unpleasant reality by refusing to accept it or believe it. And when it sets in, you cannot perceive it. It’s like a magician waved a magic wand and it disappeared.

The examples the books use, in my opinion, are not helpful enough, because as in the hearing of someone’s death, or getting terrible results back from a medical test, our first reaction is denial. No, that can’t be. However, these usually have to be replaced by reality at some point.

We have all no doubt had an experience with this. The difference here is that we do ultimately have to accept it because it is a tangible reality.

So how do we deal with things that aren’t so tangible? We can deny something for our entire lives. It can be dancing in front of our face and we don’t see it. Other people do, and they may actually tell us whatever it is they see. We, however, don’t believe them.

The easiest example would be a cheating spouse. I’ll mix things up and say it’s the wife. She’s having an affair. Her husband is in denial. He believes that she works late. He believes that she is going on business trips. Other people may see her with another man and even tell her husband. He will make excuses that he believes. He has to. The anxiety and pain that he would deal with if he could admit it to himself are so strong that it is easier and safer to just not see.

It is, in some way like being deaf, dumb and blind to whatever it is your psyche can’t handle.

 

Some parents are abusive to their children. Sometimes they single one out and are great to the rest. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I do know that it does occur. Often, the child who is being abused goes into denial. Remember, we develop it to protect the self. The child loves the parents, is dependent on them and cannot allow himself to see the hurtful things they do. This can go on for an entire lifetime. It doesn’t have to stop when the child grows up.

Actually, the child may pick an abusive partner, because this is what they believe “love” is. Friends see the bad behavior and tell you. And you tell them they don’t understand. He loves me. It’s just his way of showing it. What I’ve just described could be called a maladjusted defense. It’s doing more harm than good.

 

I decided I’m going to throw in “rationalization” because I’ve already mentioned it, and two is better than one.

Rationalization is making excuses. It justifies personal actions by giving “rational” explanations, but false reasons for them. Sometimes we are aware of what we are doing. Then it’s more like lying to save our skins.

 

 

We often believe that we are telling the truth. “The paper was due today, but I couldn’t get access to a computer until last night and there was power failure so I don’t have it”.

That all may be true. Except, if the person was assigned the paper three weeks ago, doing it at the last minute is not good management.

 

WHEN GOOD DEFENSES GO BAD.

There are at least a dozen defenses that help us through life. As long as they do the job of protecting us when we need or needed the protection, it’s okay.

The problems happen when they do their jobs to well.

Since pretty much everyone from my family is deceased, it won’t be giving away any secrets to tell my parents story.

My parent’s story:

Mom was an overweight, girl with glasses and buck teeth. Already you have a negative impression of her. She was also very bright and had two younger sisters who teased her mercilessly. I don’t know what other things added to her lack of self-esteem, but those issues happened were fairly early in her life, and the early things usually have the greatest impact. And much to my dismay, are the things we can’t usually remember. That’s WRONG!

She grew up, dieted (always had beautiful hair) and from pictures I’ve seen of her, didn’t look so bad. In her High School Year Book they referred to her as the girl with the Colgate Smile. Both her sisters married before she did, and both married well. An engineer and a psychiatrist. She worked and waited.

Mom finally married at age 28, to a  30 year old, very handsome, divorced man who already had a ten year old daughter. His first marriage was at age 18.

His dad was a tyrant and his mother was chronically depressed. He was also the oldest of three siblings. However, his younger sibs looked up to him. He dropped out of middle school and hitch hiked cross country with a friend instead of going to school. He was bright, but also emotionally damaged.

In any event, if I recall, my mom said she married him because he was the first to ask.  (That may have been true, but he was also handsome and charming which most likely boosted her own esteem.) I’m not saying that she didn’t love him or that he didn’t love her. It was not healthy love.

He chased her for two years before they married. She was a step up for him. Educated and a professional. He was a salesman. Shoes, Chow Mein, whatever.



my mom and dad and grandmother

What was it that my mother wouldn’t see? I’ll stick to the main one. Skirt Chasing. He couldn’t stay faithful to his girlfriends, much less his wife.

And he worked late and played cards and had all kinds of reasons for not being home. And she bought them. She had to. She believed that she couldn’t make it on her own with two kids, so she went into denial.

My sister died when I was 14 and she was 17. The marriage deteriorated after that. My dad’s behavior just kept getting worse. He actually had to not come home twice in one week for my mom to finally confront him. He wanted out but wasn’t man enough to leave.

The rationalization comes later. I had asked why she stayed so long, knowing that she wasn’t happy and with the denial broken, she could say that she knew some of it.

She stayed because of us kids. That’s often true and real.

However, I found out from one of her good friends, that when they were first married, they’d gone away with another couple for the week end. My dad had met another woman, and left my mom with her friends to be with her.

Whoa. No kids yet. What the F---? I never told her I knew. Either she would have denied it, or it would have hurt her, so I let it be. Except for me. I could not understand how anyone would accept that unless they were so damaged that they didn’t know they had a choice. And I guess that’s what she was.

 

SOME CONCLUSIONS:

Defense mechanisms are necessary for survival. They help us cope with the struggles and traumas of life.

There are, however, times when these coping skills hurt us rather than help us. And if you’re the individual with the problem, you won’t be able to see it or hear about it unless or until you are ready.

SOME ADVICE:

I am sure you know people with the kids of issues and problems I’ve describe. Friends who stay with partners who drink too much, spend too much, cheat, lie, whatever it is you see, but somehow they don’t.

Being a good friend, you may have pointed some of this out. If you pushed, you may have lost a friend. Or maybe just irritated them.

The thing is, that we need those defenses to survive, even when they are maladaptive. You can’t strip away a person’s outer shell without leaving them naked. And you do not want to be responsible for leaving a person with their soul naked.

 

So, you may just have to accept the fact that your mother, brother, sister, child or friend is not capable of seeing the things you do. You see them being hurt and you want to help. But you can’t. If you can understand and be there for them, well, that’s great. If what they are doing is hurting you too, the maybe you have to be the one to say adios.

You probably think your “whomever” is really stupid. You can’t understand. And maybe, just maybe, you too are in denial about something and can’t see it at all.

I saw this saying somewhere, and I fell in love with it. And now, of course am not sure exactly how it goes. So this will have to do.  It kind of sums this up nicely.

 

BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET. YOU DON’T KNOW THE BATTLES THEY ARE FIGHTING.

 

                                                            THANKS FOR READING

 

 

HOW DO WE REALLY KNOW ANYONE IN THE PUBLIC EYE? OR FOR THAT MATTER, ANYONE, INCLUDING OURSELVES?

How do we really know anyone in the Public Eye? Or for that matter, anyone, including ourselves?

 

News Articles? Speeches? Interview? Gossip?

 

                          

We all know that gossip is a bad thing, but somehow it seems to be a part of human nature.

Gossip is probably as old as we are as a species. What purpose could it have survived for our survival?

I question things like this because of my belief in evolutionary biology and psychology for the survival of our species.

I suppose, when we lived either in caves or small nomadic groups, we were highly insulated from each other. Except when food was scarce and we went into someone else’s territory. At least that was war for actual survival. We definitely needed to be wary of strangers.

I don’t know how small or large an actual tribe may have been. So, I can make up “facts”.  They could have ranged from 10 to 1,000 men, women and children. But the numbers don’t matter. The behavior of the people in them does.

Here are some ideas about people in groups.

1. Trust is an important part of living in a group. You need to know that everyone has your back. Possibly, the smaller the group, the more true that is.

2. Every group needs a leader. Without plans and strategies you can’t survive.

3. Leaders have power. Power is desirable to certain people.

4. In order to obtain power, a person must show dominance.

5. Secrets are weak spots. All of us have secrets. That makes us vulnerable.

6. Secrets are hard to keep. The only way a secret can be kept, is if two people know about it, and one of them is dead.

7. People trade secrets like currency. It is a way to obtain intimacy. This is what gossip is.

8. People are jealous creatures and maybe want some power of their own.

 

I’m having trouble writing this.

I want to put it into my theory and hypothesis format, but whenever I’m writing sounds too stilted, or formal and isn’t going where I want it to. It’s not writers block, more like Writers River. It meanders without going to a destination.

 

So, I’ll forget format, and write what I’m thinking. Trust me, it will be easier on you. LOL.

Another digression.*

I remember the old movie, called Blaze. Blaze was played by Lolita Davidovich and Paul Newman played Earl Long, Governor of Louisiana.

Blaze’s mama’s advice to Blaze on leaving home was, “RUN -when any man says, “trust me”. Since then, I can’t help but notice when someone uses that expression, and I ask myself “why would they need to tell me that?”

 

 

So it doesn’t matter if you do or you don’t trust me.

{Meandering river}.

 

THEORY?

 

 

 

Gossip is usually accepted as truth. Especially when people want to believe something negative, particularly about someone they don’t like. Gossip is a tool used by people who want power, to enhance their own image and use it in their quest for dominance. Or to ruin the person in power so someone else can get it.

 

HYPOTHESIS:

In modern society, gossip is a multimillion dollar industry. It needs not to be based on facts. People in power use gossip to manipulate the feelings of people in their society. If I want to ruin someone, I will release secrets to the press and manipulate the way the “facts” are presented.

I think that’s about as close to what I want to say as I’m going to get.

THE MEDIA AND PLEASE DON’T CALL IT LIBERAL. THAT’S JUST ANOTHER MANIPULATION.

The media is currently biased. It can be conservative, liberal, neocon, leftist, right-wing and downright nuts.

 

A FEW PEOPLE OWN THE MEDIA AND ONE THING I DO KNOW, IT’S NOT ME.

I know I’m biased and opinionated. That was what editorials used to be for. The news used to be told with facts. Of course, no matter who looks at these “facts,” will be  the one able to determine what to use or discard, so the media was probably only slightly less biased back in the olden days. And there were unwritten rules about what they could and could not write about, including who they could not write certain things about. I.e. No one was ever going to write about the extra marital affairs of our presidents. That sure changed.

 

CELEBRITY WORSHIP AND GOSSIP:

I know it’s not just Americans. People all around the globe develop heroes and villains.

Since we have no “royalty” in the states, we have created our own class system.  Actors, Singers, Rappers, Tappers, Sportsmen (and some Sportswomen), Writers, Broadcasters, People who are famous for being famous (LOL), Murderers, Conmen, and an assortment of all kinds are reported about.

Mark Twain once said that the only thing worse than being gossiped about, was not being gossiped about. I guess that goes with there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

 

        NAMING NAMES THAT COME TO MIND.

O.J.  Lance Armstrong   Daryl Strawberry Kobe Bryant   Mike Tyson   Jessica Simpson  Rob Lowe   Robert Downey Jr.

Bill Cosby   Mel Gibson   Thomas Gibson   Johnny Depp

Winona Ryder   Martha Stewart   Imelda Marcos   Amber Heard

Kate Moss   Lindsey Lohan   Whitney Houston   Little Kim

Chris Brown   Too Pak Shakur   Angelina Jolie  Billy  Bob Thornton

Nicole Brown Simpson    Pete Rose  Barry Bonds Tom Cruise

  John Travolta      Justin Bieber Michael Vick  Mark McGuire

Alex Rodriguez  Josh Duggar  and anyone you remember that I don’t.

Digression* I wanted to make a list of names and then put them into a kind of rhyme, like Billy Joel did with “We didn’t start the Fire”. This is why people like me don’t finish things quickly. Sidetracks. Or, as, I’d like to call them Sidetraps.

 

WHEN AM I GETTING TO A POINT?

 

Now might be a good time.

 

PEDESTALS, POSITIONS & PROBABILITIES

People in power. People we admire. Those are usually people who have influence over us.

Looking at the above list you’ll see many sports heroes, movie stars, fashion icons, TV personalities and some musicians. [Remember my memory is poor so don’t feel offended if I left out someone you know is important].

People who are famous because of a talent or skill, which we, the ordinary individual don’t have. Or maybe we do, but just never got famous for it.

As “leaders” of some kind, we admire and look up to them. Remember the term “hero worship”?

They may have those talents and abilities, but they are still human beings. Maybe because they made it and we didn’t, we want them to be better. At everything.

And, maybe, just maybe, some of us are jealous of some of them. After all, they seem to have it all. Beauty, success, money, fame and all the things that come along with it.

 

HERE’S THE CATCH:

They each have a personality just like we do. It’s individual to them and we don’t know what it is. We really don’t know anything about them except for what we see and hear about their non-work lives, from the media.  And it’s the media’s job to make money. Damn, it usually comes down to that, right?

So, if you can get a photo of someone topless, or get some good gossip, you put it out there. I will assume that the more reputable outlets at least try to verify what they tell us. But, does it matter? Once you hear it, you can’t un-hear it.

 

Question.  If you are a public person, are you not entitled to a private life?

I don’t have the answer. It is a controversial question. I waver back and forth on it myself.

I do know, that I would not like all my vulnerabilities known to everyone I know. You could tell the world, but only people who know me would be interested.

But if everyone knows you, then everyone is interested.  

{You may have noticed that I’ve let politicians out of this. That’s another category on its own.}

Do we need to know if Jennifer Anniston is pregnant? Or why someone is getting a divorce? Or who is cheating on their spouse, or if they’re gay? No. It’s none of our business.

BUT WHAT ABOUT CRIMINAL ACTS?

This is a little bit of a greyer area. People can make all sorts of allegations. They may or may not be true. It would be nice if we didn’t find out about these allegations about illegal activity until criminal charges were filed.  Although the rich and famous don’t often get charged. I could go off on a sidetrap on that, but maybe I’ll remember to blog on it.

I’m thinking about Bill Cosby. That’s a heart breaker. Worshipped and adored and all the while, he’s drug raping women. That’s unreal. A man with real power so the women were afraid to talk. Or they were paid to shut up. This is a crime.

Then, Michael Jackson. Was he or wasn’t he? Did he or didn’t he? Nothing was proven in any trial, but we all took sides and believed, one way or the other. The crime here, is that since nothing was proven we should have accepted the court’s decision. Something else to think about is how once your name has been sullied, you have real trouble trying to get it clean again.

Johnny Depp. Is he a wife beater? Or maybe an alcoholic who beats his wife when he’s drunk? Does that make him a better or worse actor? As a person, well, that’s a different story. Does he get paid to be a person or an actor?

 

DO I HAVE A POINT?

Yup. I do. We hold people on pedestals to higher standards. That isn’t fair. They’re really just people. Except, maybe, since they chose to be famous or were lucky enough to become “someone” who is in the public eye, it is fair.  

The probability is that once we know who they are as people, we are bound to be disappointed. Not because they are bad. They just aren’t who we would like them to be. Or imagined them to be. Or needed them to be.

 A somewhat different issue is that I believe that all people who commit criminal acts should suffer the consequences. I also believe that gossip about who’s cheating on whom, who is a cheap bastard, who is ugly without makeup, well that’s none of anyone’s business. I don’t look so hot when I get up in the morning either. I don’t cheat, although I may occasionally lust in my heart, like Jimmy Carter. I’m not cheap but I am moody and even though I love my friends, I don’t call them. That’s bad. And since it doesn’t affect you, do you care? Then why would you care if I said the same things about Meryl Streep?

CONCLUSION:     (finally)

 

People who live in glass house shouldn’t throw stones. People who live in rubber houses shouldn’t throw anything because it will bounce back and hit them.

And finally. Don’t believe everything you see or hear. It may just be someone trying to manipulate you. I am. I’m trying to open your mind. I hope that’s okay. If not. Just ignore me. My husband does.

 

 

 

                                     Thanks for Reading.

 

 

 

 

SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS

SHORT TERM MEMORY

 

Those of you who have following me for a while, know that my short term memory, well sucks.

 

People and experts wrote that it would return if I did exercises.

Well, it hasn’t returned.

So I went to a store and said, I want my short term memory back.

 

 

They asked me if I had a receipt. I said “no”.

And they told me I was shit out of luck.

 

 

 

 

Fortunately for them, I can’t remember what store it was, or I’d go back and sue.

 

 

That's all Folks

 

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY

 

 

 

AND THANKS FOR READIN