#HATE THE FLAVOR OF THE YEAR

it's on old photo with Benny Boo Boo. We miss him.

When I awoke this morning, I had no plan to blog. I wasn't feeling much like doing anything. It's Sunday. A day of rest.

I made the mistake of checking my email. I had a response from a Hispanic gentleman I don't know, who read one of my posts. He was obviously educated as I could tell by his well written statement. What it said, on the other hand was not as nice. He decided I was a communist liberal who has ruined the American educational system by caring about children's feelings and that Trump would clean house of all the people like me.

I responded by asking him what facts had led him to these assumptions since we did not know each other. I was afraid to ask why he felt (feelings are obviously bad) this way. I haven't looked for his reply.

The next thing I saw was a post from a friend for an Israeli site, called "Stand By Me"  which showed a news clip from a campus where a Jewish group was in a self contained room, and a Palestinian group broke through the windows and started a near riot. I read it quickly, but it looked like the head of the Jewish group was arrested. I may be wrong. I was so appalled I couldn't process the material.

I'M WORKING ON SHORT, AND TO THE POINT.

HATE

I will not go into the origin of Hate to keep things simple. They say it's learned and apparently we have been taught this lesson all too well.
okay. I hate spinach. I also hate, Hate.

Folks, have you noticed we are self-destructing? If we do not find a way to stop all this hatred, well, you may not know it, but the planet we live on will never be the same.

MY RIDICULOUS [OR NOT] PREDICTION.

The world's economy will worsen. People will become more angry and hateful. More dictatorships will arise and people will follow because they have no choice and sometimes, the lies we are fed give us false hope.

       

More wars will erupt. Everywhere. More people will die. More people will become even more impoverished. And, sooner or later, someone will ignite a bomb and you can kiss your children's asses good-bye. We want better for our children and grandchildren. That won't happen if we keep hating one another. Hate my opinions. Don't hate me. Hate what someone says. Don't hate the person who says it.

WE MUST FIND OUR COMMON GROUND. WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS REGARDLESS OF OUR BELIEFS, SKIN COLORS, GENDERS OR RELIGIONS. WE NEED TO STOP IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WINS AN ELECTION. IT MATTERS THAT WE LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GREATER GOOD. OR WE WILL ALL FAIL.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading. I'd put in my That's All Folks, but it would be too spooky with this post.

I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE LATE, BUT MAYBE WE COULD GET OPRAH TO THROW HER HAT IN THE RING.

Normally, I don't like to get into politics. People, and I am one of them, are so seriously tied to their opinions that they might kill someone for not agreeing with them.
So why am I so openly writing, so many posts?


The answer, I believe, is FEAR.

To what level has our nation sunk that people are so unbelievably polarized?
I don't know why. I have no valid reason for disliking Hillary, but I certainly understand why other people feel that way. And, for many things, they are not wrong.
I don't understand Trumps appeal, and that's on me.

Well, maybe I do but the thing is, that I'm scared about this election because one of them is going to win. Probably?

I keep thinking that something will occur and  it won't be these two people.

So this morning, a solution flew into my head. Let's draft Oprah.

Okay. Those of you who are not particularly liberal might not understand why I thought she would be a good choice.

How about the facts.

• She's a very intelligent person.
• She has amazing interpersonal skills and is a very good negotiator.
• She is already wealthy and has, I'm sure, excellent fiscal understanding and skills
• We already know everything about her, so there shouldn't be any sudden revelations throwing a monkey wrench into her bid.
• She is a reasonable person, and although she may have her own values, is open to listening to others and is capable of changing her mind.
• She would also have to deal with both houses and Congress, so it's not like she can make her own decisions and --- boom. They're done.

  And for those of us so inclined, we can still get a WOMAN for president.

So what do you think?

 Maybe by the time she's finish running the country, we might be capable of choosing candidates who are worthy .

 

 

 

 

thanks for reading.

WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT INTIMACY, WHY DO THEY THINK ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE REFERRING TO SEX?

Good morning. I hope you all had a nice couple of days. I did which is what brought this topic to mind.

As you know, this is my second marriage. We've been together for 18 years.
My husband has two "children". They were just becoming young adults when we met.

Blended families can be really difficult. Especially when there are young kids involved.  It was easier since the "kids" were still living at school and at home, part time ,with their mom.

Looking back, the thing that made our relationship growth harder was the geographic distance.
It wasn't that far,  but the trips were well over an hour. At least if we went to visit them we could park since they were out near the end of Long Island.

We lived in an apartment in Great Neck where the parking after 4 PM was as bad as Manhattan, except we didn't have parking lots you could pay for.

this was across the street.

I hated to invite people over because after arriving on our block, regardless of the length of your trip, you could drive around nearly as long before finding a spot (that was hopefully legal) and then, have a long walk. So, I thought I was being considerate by not asking.
I never thought that people might think I didn't want them to come around because I didn't care about them. There I'd gone again. Projecting my ideas into the brains of others.

It was also difficult because they were at an age where they were busy enjoying their lives which did not include parental units.

Since I hadn't been lucky enough to have children of my own, I was so happy to have step kids. Whenever we did see them it was always good. I have to say that they accepted me immediately.  His family, is actually pretty terrific. Even his ex-wife. Of course I didn't know that at the time.

Still. I never felt like part of the family. Except for his Mom. I had expected to become intimate with his family,  because, well,  what did I know?

You see, I have problems with intimate relationships. Not the ones you think about right away. Not sex. As a digression, I will say that there are many people who can have really intimate sex instead of a really intimate relationship. But as I always say, that's for another time.  Intimate relationships with friends, family and you know, other human beings.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY "INTIMATE'?

Webster starts with the words fundamental and essential.  Next is, most private and personal.  Having sexual relations is 6th on the list.

I see intimacy as being able to have close, loving relationships with people who are important to me. As I, am hopefully important to them as well. I don't see intimacy as being one sided. It still takes two.
However, I don't actually know what that is. As in, huh ? How do you show your love? Do you tell the person everything you think and feel?  How much time do you need to spend together? How often do you need to talk? I know. It sounds but ridiculous, but then, that is my name.

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS AN ISSUE?

If you've been following along, my upbringing was middle class and not with people who were easily capable if intimacy. Not that I think there is any relationship between class and intimacy.

Whatever closeness we had was the unhealthy kind. My mother was well meaning. Of course it took years of therapy and a 12 step program for me to get there, but I did. That's what matters. (To know that she was well meaning and not just some mean bitch who didn't want me to be happy)
She was very codependent. She wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and that was very invasive. So, I became rather evasive. She did share some of her intimacies with me. Unfortunately, the things she told me, I did not want to know and surely did not need to know.



My dad has his issues as well. Codependence, of course. Is it possible to have one codependent person in a relationship? But his brand of dependency was very different. Home for him was a place, that he didn't spend a whole lot of time. He needed to know it was there and my mom was the anchor. Of course he saw it as an anchor around his neck, even though he had created it. And, although he was out a lot, he was home just enough to make me fearful and untrusting of men.



And of course, my older sister and I were so different and young. So when she up and died it was like I had been given the trifecta nuclear family.

What had I learned about intimate relationships?

1. If you got close to someone, they want to know all your business.
2. If you got close to someone, you couldn't trust them with your feelings or your business. They'd use it against you.
3. If you got close to someone, they  would abandon you; whether by death or desertion, betrayal, it didn't matter. You'd be alone.

 And so, I hobbled my way through my early years. Making poor choices. And making intimate friends who I would ultimately disappoint, do something stupid and lose the relationship. Again, it would take a long time to realize my part in things. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.


I was the proverbial person who was creating all these self-fulfilling prophecies. I just didn't know it.

I think my solution, when I got older, was to become more selective and less intimate with everyone. And much less dependent.

I usually had one  very good friend with whom I could share my life, but the rest. Well, who needed more?

In my mind, I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I allowed more intimate relationships I would become anxious. Too much for me to handle. 

OR

We get to know each other and if you really know me, you'll run. Or you'll  take advantage of me or expect me to be someone I couldn't be. In any case, I'd be left, so why bother?

WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE:

When you are afraid to make friends, you may have a select one or two. Then you worry. What happens when they go south? Actually, my age that means to Florida, but it didn't have that connotation when I was young. (ha ha)

You believe that it's better to be able to take care of yourself and not need anyone else. You try to be completely self-sufficient. People may think you're aloof, a snob, a shit. You don't look shy, although you probably are because your level of experience in meeting people is limited because you haven't wanted to meet people.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

I know I am not alone. I know that this is a problem for a great number of people. People who believe they want to have intimate relationships, but can't seem to find them. And, yes, they could also be of the romantic kind.

 Intimacy is a tricky lady. You have to know her to be able to relate to her. However, if you never got to know her, you can't figure out how.

When I was 47 and still in single 2, (that's when you've been married once and are single for the second time), I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. Suddenly, life seemed better. I felt "normal".  I won't anxious and crying and I liked me.  At least I thought that was what normal probably felt like. So I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet someone.
And that was when I met my husband. I was still terrified, but I was more terrified of never getting beyond my fear. And so I pushed through it. It hasn't been easy. But it has been worth it.

BACK TO WHERE THIS POST BEGAN -

I thought that it would be easy to develop relationships with my step children.
Like I said, we were always on good terms when we got together and I tried to get closer to them. Of course, my version of closer pushed them away because they weren't ready for me. And, my skills and understanding of the situation were not very good.

And so it has taken many years for me to feel like I have a family.  I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn not to take certain things personally.  I had to learn that with children, it's about them, not me.

I'm still learning. Only I finally feel like I'm  part of the family. I really do love them and feel close to them. My son in law is one of a kind, as is his mom. I love spending time with them and we have great conversations. And also a lot of fun. And the ex has remarried too. My step daughter's mother in law, and mom step-dad live twenty minutes away.  We live over three hours away.  As it was in New York, it has become in Florida. But it's okay. My husband and I are not the kind of people who want to be involved with all the day to day issues. We are happy to be as involved as we like and are here for them when we're needed.

My step son and his wife are still in New York so we don't see them often. It's tough because even if you have a relationship, long distance makes it a lot of work.  And I am not a phone person. I don't know why, but I hate talking on the phone.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when they sent me a happy mother's day text. You can't imagine how wonderful that made me feel.

When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I gave it a lot of thought. When I lived up north, my best friend would always have a cake for me and her kids who were around, would help celebrate.  I missed that.

So, I told him that I wanted to spend it with my family. And that's what we did.
We drove across the state and took them out for dinner and had a roaring good time. We got there early so we could see the grandchildren and the other grandparents baby sat so we could go out. That's all of us pulling together.

the waiter, hubbie, kids and Claudia. I was taking the pic.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You don't have to share your feelings or know everything that's going on in someone's life to have an intimate relationship. You have to have a connection of the heart. You know you're loved by the actions they make and even when they forget to make them.  They know you love them, the same way. You all know that you're there for each other if you're needed.

I don't know if I can branch out with this knowledge to people who aren't family, but I'm getting a bit more understanding of what it means. And I know that although I'm not one of those individuals who have to be with someone all the time, I do need to be with people some of the time.

ME AND MY SWEETHEART Joey

CAN SELFISHNESS, SELF-CENTEREDNESS BE A FORM OF SELF-PROTECTION?

    I was recently involved in a conversation with a group of my friends that was trying to understand selfishness, which has a very negative connotation.
    A better term, it was decided, was self-care. We talked about it and though it was stimulating it was also distressing.
    You see, I was told by both my parents, shortly after my divorce, that I was selfish.
And my current husband has told me I am self-absorbed. This morning.

   Not nice labels to be given. Even if think them to be partially true.

   After the talk with my friends, I tried to think back to when I began to be a selfish person. If you recall, I don't recall much of my childhood.

baby me

   I do vividly remember when my mother had the talk with me. Not the birds and bees talk. The "your sister has epilepsy and so we aren't going to be able to treat you equally talk."
  It went something like this.

 Mom: "Your sister has a condition that makes her different. She has petit mal seizures, where she blacks out for a few seconds. When you walk to school be mindful that she doesn't walk without looking."
    "She also has problems at school and making friends. Not like you. You're good at whatever you do. Therefore, in order not to make her feel bad, we aren't going to praise you or make a fuss when you do well. We don't want her to feel worse than she already does.  We know you'll understand and help us."

Me: probably shocked silence. I was 8 and not exactly prepared for this type  of talk. If I responded, I have no idea how.

Jan's Sweet 16. Polka dress, me at 14

     I don't know how long after that, the hurt and resentment began. It was also the reason that I never took art lessons because that was the one thing Jan was good at and I didn't want to take that away. Or maybe I wouldn't have. She most likely was better at that and I wouldn't have liked that. Does that make me a bad person?

     It was like I had a non-compete clause in a contract that I was forced to sign.  Since I was a minor, my parents signed off for me. I had no choice.

    I'm thinking that what occurred appeared to be selfishness, but was actually self-protection.

   When I look at myself I can see through several lenses.  I'm several people. In many ways I am very generous. I like to give gifts, or buy things for my friends, husband and grandkids. I have given my professional hours to some patients pro bono or at extremely cheap rates, because I knew they couldn't afford therapy but really needed it. I have compassion for others and my husband gets angry at me because I am too empathetic.

    I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. Just trying to show some of the sides of who I am. I have given my time and energy to organizations I belonged to and activities at my places of work. I trained three interns at work and was asked to mentor another one or two.
    Several years ago I learned to ask myself what my motives were in doing certain things. An example would be,  when I first started to buy my husband clothes, it was because I didn't like the way he dressed.(sorry hon)   Then he started to appreciate style and developed his own. I still buy him things, only now with his taste in mind, but I do it because I know he likes to get presents. I do it the make him feel good, and that makes me feel good.

   Giving makes me feel good. Which could be seen as selfish in the sense that I'm doing it for me. It's like a no win game.

Benny Boo Boo

  I give to one charity that does dog rescues.(Southern Comfort Maltese Rescue). I know the woman who runs it, as we adopted Benny from her. And I know that she needs every penny she can get because she takes in animals with such special needs that cost lots of money and I want to be helpful to her and the dogs she takes in.

  I've given to many charities over the years, but since the Goodwill thing, I now have to do research. It's a two fold thing. I want the income tax benefit, but I also want to help.



me and cousin George's daughter Jessica

  Usually, I have what I consider more than enough, so sharing it seems like the right thing to do.

  So, how am I selfish? I suppose it's because I put my needs first. And the need that is the biggest issue is my need for my own time. Also, my trouble switching from one activity to another makes spontaneity an issue. If I'm reading and my husband wants to talk to me I get annoyed. I learned to put the book down but I can't do it all the time. I keep myself busy when I'm home so he's always interrupting something. At least that's how he sees it. And that is how I feel it.

   Am I self-absorbed? Sure. I am trying to understand who I am, where I'm headed, sometimes how I got here. I get that not everyone cares about those things, but I do.

   But aren't we all self-absorbed?  Even when we're obsessing about someone else, it's really not about them. It's about us.

   And it usually comes from a place of fear. What will people think of us? What do I think of myself? What if someone really knew me? What can I do to make people like me? Why can't I like myself? What am I afraid of?
   The answer to that is slightly different depending on who you are. A common theme is being unlovable. Unworthy. Not good enough.

THEORY:

FEAR

People who lack confidence come off as being either selfless or selfish.
Fear creates personas that we learn and become over the years. We take as Gospel what people tell us. Especially if it's negative.

We become what we are told we are. We don't question it, except as adolescents and then revert back to our younger years by the haunting voices of our parents, teachers and peers.

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW:

   I think I am pissed off. I'm tired of being labeled. If you think I'm self absorbed, look in the mirror.

   If you or I think I'm self-absorbed, why should I care?
   Why should I care about what anyone thinks except me?  I'm tired of listening and accepting  the proclamations of all those wonderful people around me who have no problems at all. Except for me.

  So, please take a good hard look at yourself before you go telling other people what their problems are.
     THANK YOU.