WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT INTIMACY, WHY DO THEY THINK ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE REFERRING TO SEX?

Good morning. I hope you all had a nice couple of days. I did which is what brought this topic to mind.

As you know, this is my second marriage. We've been together for 18 years.
My husband has two "children". They were just becoming young adults when we met.

Blended families can be really difficult. Especially when there are young kids involved.  It was easier since the "kids" were still living at school and at home, part time ,with their mom.

Looking back, the thing that made our relationship growth harder was the geographic distance.
It wasn't that far,  but the trips were well over an hour. At least if we went to visit them we could park since they were out near the end of Long Island.

We lived in an apartment in Great Neck where the parking after 4 PM was as bad as Manhattan, except we didn't have parking lots you could pay for.

this was across the street.

I hated to invite people over because after arriving on our block, regardless of the length of your trip, you could drive around nearly as long before finding a spot (that was hopefully legal) and then, have a long walk. So, I thought I was being considerate by not asking.
I never thought that people might think I didn't want them to come around because I didn't care about them. There I'd gone again. Projecting my ideas into the brains of others.

It was also difficult because they were at an age where they were busy enjoying their lives which did not include parental units.

Since I hadn't been lucky enough to have children of my own, I was so happy to have step kids. Whenever we did see them it was always good. I have to say that they accepted me immediately.  His family, is actually pretty terrific. Even his ex-wife. Of course I didn't know that at the time.

Still. I never felt like part of the family. Except for his Mom. I had expected to become intimate with his family,  because, well,  what did I know?

You see, I have problems with intimate relationships. Not the ones you think about right away. Not sex. As a digression, I will say that there are many people who can have really intimate sex instead of a really intimate relationship. But as I always say, that's for another time.  Intimate relationships with friends, family and you know, other human beings.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY "INTIMATE'?

Webster starts with the words fundamental and essential.  Next is, most private and personal.  Having sexual relations is 6th on the list.

I see intimacy as being able to have close, loving relationships with people who are important to me. As I, am hopefully important to them as well. I don't see intimacy as being one sided. It still takes two.
However, I don't actually know what that is. As in, huh ? How do you show your love? Do you tell the person everything you think and feel?  How much time do you need to spend together? How often do you need to talk? I know. It sounds but ridiculous, but then, that is my name.

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS AN ISSUE?

If you've been following along, my upbringing was middle class and not with people who were easily capable if intimacy. Not that I think there is any relationship between class and intimacy.

Whatever closeness we had was the unhealthy kind. My mother was well meaning. Of course it took years of therapy and a 12 step program for me to get there, but I did. That's what matters. (To know that she was well meaning and not just some mean bitch who didn't want me to be happy)
She was very codependent. She wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and that was very invasive. So, I became rather evasive. She did share some of her intimacies with me. Unfortunately, the things she told me, I did not want to know and surely did not need to know.



My dad has his issues as well. Codependence, of course. Is it possible to have one codependent person in a relationship? But his brand of dependency was very different. Home for him was a place, that he didn't spend a whole lot of time. He needed to know it was there and my mom was the anchor. Of course he saw it as an anchor around his neck, even though he had created it. And, although he was out a lot, he was home just enough to make me fearful and untrusting of men.



And of course, my older sister and I were so different and young. So when she up and died it was like I had been given the trifecta nuclear family.

What had I learned about intimate relationships?

1. If you got close to someone, they want to know all your business.
2. If you got close to someone, you couldn't trust them with your feelings or your business. They'd use it against you.
3. If you got close to someone, they  would abandon you; whether by death or desertion, betrayal, it didn't matter. You'd be alone.

 And so, I hobbled my way through my early years. Making poor choices. And making intimate friends who I would ultimately disappoint, do something stupid and lose the relationship. Again, it would take a long time to realize my part in things. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.


I was the proverbial person who was creating all these self-fulfilling prophecies. I just didn't know it.

I think my solution, when I got older, was to become more selective and less intimate with everyone. And much less dependent.

I usually had one  very good friend with whom I could share my life, but the rest. Well, who needed more?

In my mind, I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I allowed more intimate relationships I would become anxious. Too much for me to handle. 

OR

We get to know each other and if you really know me, you'll run. Or you'll  take advantage of me or expect me to be someone I couldn't be. In any case, I'd be left, so why bother?

WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE:

When you are afraid to make friends, you may have a select one or two. Then you worry. What happens when they go south? Actually, my age that means to Florida, but it didn't have that connotation when I was young. (ha ha)

You believe that it's better to be able to take care of yourself and not need anyone else. You try to be completely self-sufficient. People may think you're aloof, a snob, a shit. You don't look shy, although you probably are because your level of experience in meeting people is limited because you haven't wanted to meet people.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

I know I am not alone. I know that this is a problem for a great number of people. People who believe they want to have intimate relationships, but can't seem to find them. And, yes, they could also be of the romantic kind.

 Intimacy is a tricky lady. You have to know her to be able to relate to her. However, if you never got to know her, you can't figure out how.

When I was 47 and still in single 2, (that's when you've been married once and are single for the second time), I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. Suddenly, life seemed better. I felt "normal".  I won't anxious and crying and I liked me.  At least I thought that was what normal probably felt like. So I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet someone.
And that was when I met my husband. I was still terrified, but I was more terrified of never getting beyond my fear. And so I pushed through it. It hasn't been easy. But it has been worth it.

BACK TO WHERE THIS POST BEGAN -

I thought that it would be easy to develop relationships with my step children.
Like I said, we were always on good terms when we got together and I tried to get closer to them. Of course, my version of closer pushed them away because they weren't ready for me. And, my skills and understanding of the situation were not very good.

And so it has taken many years for me to feel like I have a family.  I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn not to take certain things personally.  I had to learn that with children, it's about them, not me.

I'm still learning. Only I finally feel like I'm  part of the family. I really do love them and feel close to them. My son in law is one of a kind, as is his mom. I love spending time with them and we have great conversations. And also a lot of fun. And the ex has remarried too. My step daughter's mother in law, and mom step-dad live twenty minutes away.  We live over three hours away.  As it was in New York, it has become in Florida. But it's okay. My husband and I are not the kind of people who want to be involved with all the day to day issues. We are happy to be as involved as we like and are here for them when we're needed.

My step son and his wife are still in New York so we don't see them often. It's tough because even if you have a relationship, long distance makes it a lot of work.  And I am not a phone person. I don't know why, but I hate talking on the phone.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when they sent me a happy mother's day text. You can't imagine how wonderful that made me feel.

When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I gave it a lot of thought. When I lived up north, my best friend would always have a cake for me and her kids who were around, would help celebrate.  I missed that.

So, I told him that I wanted to spend it with my family. And that's what we did.
We drove across the state and took them out for dinner and had a roaring good time. We got there early so we could see the grandchildren and the other grandparents baby sat so we could go out. That's all of us pulling together.

the waiter, hubbie, kids and Claudia. I was taking the pic.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You don't have to share your feelings or know everything that's going on in someone's life to have an intimate relationship. You have to have a connection of the heart. You know you're loved by the actions they make and even when they forget to make them.  They know you love them, the same way. You all know that you're there for each other if you're needed.

I don't know if I can branch out with this knowledge to people who aren't family, but I'm getting a bit more understanding of what it means. And I know that although I'm not one of those individuals who have to be with someone all the time, I do need to be with people some of the time.

ME AND MY SWEETHEART Joey