"THE MAGIC SUITCASE" . A MODERN FAIRY TALE otherwise known as WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS SO DAMNED HARD? Chapter 1

Once upon a time, long, long ago, boys and girls were born, much as happens in our own time.  Each was bestowed with the an inheritance, which we still receive.

It all began when an addle minded witch cast a spell.  She had been watching over the people in this world, and decided that she would help them. She had seen the pain, sorrow and joy that came with being a human. She believed that these emotions caused many problems and ought to be somehow contained.
Her solution was brilliant. Or so she thought.

As every child came into this world, each would receive the gift of a magic suitcase, engraved in gold, with each child's name.

Every experience that happened to every child was to be filed into their suitcase. And so it was.

The suitcases began to fill with all the events and knowledge each child was gaining and each case grew larger and heavier.

By the children's third birthdays, the cases were expanded and already very heavy, but as long as the child lived, the cases would never stop filling themselves.  It became quite obvious that it would be impossible for a little ones, to carry this gift as they aged, yet, still, the cases continued to grow. The addled witch had screwed up. Shocker!




The toddlers began to leave their cottages to make friends and see what was outside their homes. What a sight it was. These poor little things, dragging these heavy bags around wherever they went. Well, where they tried to go. They were unable to carry them for too long so they never got very far.
                                
This was severely limiting, and if they could barely leave their homes, how ever would they learn the ways of the world? It had been forbidden for the parents to help or carry the load.  

That belonged only to the person whose name was inscribed on the case. The gift had now become a burden.
                                      
The witch could not help the adults to help their children.  She was rather incompetent, and later sentenced to an institution for  mentally inane. The Elders of the world held emergency meetings. Each town decided that no matter the cost, the time had come to call in the most powerful magician of all. The Wizard.  And we all know. All magic comes with a price.
           
                                      

The Wizard devised a plan.  This was how the custom of Storing The Bundles came to be. 

The  local wizards, did as they had been instructed by their boss. The could not undo another magicians work, but they could change it.  So, they shrank the suitcases.

They were so tiny that they could fit deep within the toddler's brain.  With a twitch of the wand it was done.  The memories would be stored there forever. The children would not be burdened by these impossibly heavy suitcases. The children were free to go everywhere and anywhere. The Wizard's plan was a bit diabolical.

The knowledge from the suitcase would be there, but would be inaccessible to its owner. It would be as if these things hadn't happened. Well, at least the children would no longer remember that these things had happened. And even though these experiences were the most profound things that had occurred in their little lives, they would have no memory of them at all. Or would they?

The Wizard decreed that the experiences, although unrecalled, would continue to mold each child. The child would have no clue as to why they felt or acted the way they did.  But then what child would care about that? Not any that I know.
Life continued as it had. The children went to school, made friends and began to grow older. As they grew, they began to look back on their upbringings. None could seem to remember anything going back any further than age three. Others could not remember that far back. Well, said the children. That must be normal and it was accepted that memories did not exist.
               
          
This is the beginning of how we developed the baggage we all drag along with us throughout our lives. We cannot remember our first experiences, but that does not mean they are not there.

We continue to develop new experiences and learn new things. On our own, we develop a system to carry them.  It's only fitting since it feels familiar. The uncomfortable emotions may be the ones that get filed away in the recesses, back near the first case. Others may stay closer at hand because they give us a sense of control, happiness or love. All of our experiences are carried by us in our suitcases that have become known as baggage.

You know what this has to do with relationships, right? Everyone you meet has their own baggage. It can't be helped. Witches and Wizards made it so.

You, however, do not have magic. What you do with your baggage is up to you.

To Be Continued......... Only if you tell me that you want to hear more. Otherwise, you will have to figure out what to do with all your own bags.
Seriously. Like if you want me to continue.

IS IT A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING TO CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOU?

I've been at this blogging thing for several months now.  I've written over one hundred posts and after publishing a post, I always find myself checking the statistics.

It's not a compulsion, Thank God, but it is a need. What am I looking for?

It's not just one thing. I suppose I want to be valued. I want people to notice me, in this case, it's in the social media world. I want validation that my thoughts  and theories are worthwhile.

One would hope that by age 66, one would no longer need or want these things. Especially from strangers whose opinion shouldn't carry any weight. I mean, you could be way crazier than me, no offense intended, but you understand what I'm saying.

I enjoy writing. I enjoy painting and photography and reading, more than writing, yet I find myself sitting here and tapping away and spending an inordinate amount of time on these posts.  Even being retired, I only have so much time in a day.


My husband said from the get go to keep the post short. What wife listens to  her husband? What woman doesn't use too many words?

Anyway. I still haven't figured out exactly what my blog is about. I assume other people have a theme and stick to it. I'm obviously not built that way. There is actually a theme, but it's not easy to see. There is a thread that runs through the posts that links them together. The thread is me and who I am.

I suppose, if this really meant that much, I'd put in the effort to learn how to write a "successful" blog. I assume that's measured by how many followers you have. Researching what to do, maybe looking for sponsors, I can't say because I haven't don't too much of that. And being my age, I don't have any friends who can help me with this. Well, none that live here and not in New York.

HOW MUCH CREDENCE DO YOU GIVE TO THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS?

Being brought up in my home, the answer was; way too much. My measure of self worth depended on what my parents and teachers told me. As I got older, I tried to shake that off. I knew that I had value. The one thing that people seemed to agree on was that I was smart and funny. But I still needed to hear that I was pretty, and nice and dressed well and had a good personality and whatever else. And, it had to come from outsiders. "Cause I sure as hell didn't believe any of those things. And even if someone said something nice, I couldn't put it into my esteem bank. The one I had was like a sieve.  My self-esteem was like riding on an elevator. Whoever I was with was the one pushing the buttons as to whether the lift was going up or down.  If you fed me positive feedback I felt good. Negative things would drop me like a sack of potatoes.
At the end of the day, it all fell into the hole in my soul.

Years of therapy and allowing myself to BELIEVE I had value and worth have allowed me to discount other people's opinions. Of course, there are people's opinions that I value more than others, and those are the ones that I listen to. I don't have to agree with them, but I am open to hearing what someone else has to say.



I'm in a good place. I like myself. I'm doing things I enjoy. This thought just popped into my head.  I wonder if this blog isn't a way of my wanting to share what I've learned, with the hope of helping other people to learn what I have. Hoping you don't have to wait until you're a senior person to find the joys in life.
One of my beliefs is that one of the reasons I am here, on this earth is to be a teacher. That was how I viewed doing psychotherapy. Teaching you who you are. Who you could be.  

HOW MUCH CREDENCE DO YOU GIVE YOUR OPINION OF YOURSELF?

We are absolutely fantastic at believing our opinion of other people. We so easily judge them and it's usually not about their good qualities.

However, we often do the same to ourselves without even knowing it.

It's not an easy task to look at yourself and admit to what you believe. We usually repress or deny those bad feelings. We pretend to the world that we like ourselves. Some people walk around like peacocks and come off obnoxious in their self love. Others, (like the people pleasers) make those "others "feel good so that they, think that you feel good too. Or at least they think you are a good person. You probably are, but you don't believe it.

                                                              

There are the people who know they don't have good esteem and cover it with humor, self-deprecating remarks and sarcasm. People give them positive feedback because who doesn't enjoy laughing? Especially if it's at someone else's expense? 

Then there are the people who use their woundedness as a shield. They are often the ones who tell you all that goes wrong in their lives and that they're depressed and don't know how to get out of whatever hole they've dug. You can respond to them by trying to help, which usually doesn't work because they don't believe they can be  helped. You can respond by treating them with caution, not wanting to make things worse. Many people eventually respond to them by keeping enough distance so they don't have to deal with the negativity. Then, the walking wounded get to validate their belief that they are unlikeable, or un-fixable, or worthless.



Oh. How could I forget the "normal" people?  The ones who know they are okay. They are open to being criticized without being mortally wounded, they can see themselves from someone else's opinion, but their own belief in their value doesn't get shaken by the thoughts of other people.  That's what I think of as having a healthy ego.  Enough self-esteem to know you are of value, just because you're breathing.

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM:

First, you do need to admit to yourself that it's something you are lacking. Once you recognize this and realize that it's okay, you're open to change.

Then you need to do some work so you can change. In my last post I wrote a lot about belief systems. How difficult they are to throw aside. This is one of the easier ones, because it is about yourself. You are the one in charge of your thoughts, so it's not as difficult as changing your opinion of the world.

And you actually have to do something. It's what a very wise friend once told me. To build esteem, you have to do esteem-able things. And you have to start that esteem bank and make sure you've plugged up the holes.


You do that by telling yourself over and over and over, that you love and accept yourself exactly as you are. It sounds corny or crazy, but it is exactly like taping over an already used tape. Of course with digital technology this isn't quite the way to say it. But most of us remember VCRS and music recorders that used tapes. You could record something and listen or watch it and then, re-use the tape by recording over it. That' like what you need to do. You have tapes in your brain that keep telling you that you are not worthwhile, or you're ugly, or stupid or fat. Whatever you recorded when you were little keeps playing over and over keeping you stuck in the past.

Your job now is to rewrite those tapes. To do that, you need to record new ones in your brain pathways. It's not hard, it's boring and you have to remember to do it, but you can.

THEORY:

We learn to give the opinions of others, more value than our opinions of ourselves if our opinions of ourselves are not good.  This is often because those opinions  are based on old mind "tapes" that were recorded in our childhoods. In order to teach children to behave, parents usually have to tell them what they are doing wrong and then forget to tell them what they are doing right.  And most parents are too stressed to realize what messages they are sending. Some parents are just doing what was done to them. Since those tapes are old. out of date and inaccurate, they need to be updated.

We can do that by writing over the old tapes and listening to the new ones.  A good book that deals with this is one I've mentioned before, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.

I am capable of loving and accepting myself. I deserve to enjoy my life. I love and accept myself, flaws and all.  Once you do, what other people who don't matter can't hurt you. And those that do matter, won't want to.

so, is it good or bad to care?

It's both of course. You nor I live in a vacuum. We need to get along with other people and sometimes they have helpful and important insights that can make us even better. The trick, as always is to find balance. To know when someone is telling you something for your betterment, or because of some nefarious reason. To know yourself well enough to not be injured by what other people think. Even, it they may be right. It should never be able to take away your self-love, which I believe is a God* given right.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that I REALLY Love dancing.

*That is the word most commonly used, but it is utilized by me, to stand for whatever your belief is.  And if you don't have one, that's fine too.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU

Whether You've been reading all along, or stumble upon this from time to time, whether or not you decide to follow or pass this by. Whatever you do is okay with me.  Basically, that's because I'm okay with me. My hope is that you can get there too.

DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU PERCEIVE OR DO YOU PERCEIVE WHAT YOU BELIEVE? HOW YOUR BELIEFS AFFECT YOU.

DEFINITION OF PERCEPTION:

According to two of my psych. text books the definition of perception is "A psychological process; the act of organizing and interpreting the sensory experience."
The chapters then go on in great detail about the principles of perception and the science that backs it all up. 

I'm reasonably sure that as a student, I wasn't so impressed with this information. There was also much less information back when I first studied it and I was too busy being a disinterested student to really care.

From the definition you get the awareness that it's about our sensory experiences. That would therefore refer to our five senses and the way in which our brain organizes them and then interprets them. And not unlike our laws and our constitution, our brains appear to have differences in their ways of interpretation.

Actually, it's always full. There is oxygen in the top half of the glass. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

WHAT DO YOUR BELIEFS HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT COLOR YOU SEE?

I should have started with an easier question.  Maybe defining beliefs might help.

Interesting.  Neither psych. text had a chapter or the word 'belief' in their subject indices. I looked it up in my thesaurus and it came up under "viewpoint" in a section titled philosophy. It seems my idea is a bit of a cross pollination.

DEFINITION OF VIEWPOINT/BELIEF:

"Outlook, attitude, opinion, feeling, sentiment, idea, thought, notion; tenet, dogma, doctrine, canon, principle; precept, thesis, postulate, hypothesis, concept, judgement; set of beliefs or values, ethics, morals, school of thought, moral code, code of conduct, value judgement, standards, principles, ideology."

That certainly covers a lot of ground, yet they are all quite similar. Most of these 'words' express who each of us is at our very core. I am my belief system and my belief system is me.
I have an opinion about life, the universe, truth, justice, a code of conduct, ethics that are the basis of my of my personality.

Why is it that people are told that there are two things that should not be discussed? Politics and Religion.  Why is that?  In my opinion, (haha) it's because they are based on belief systems, not necessarily facts, although we believe them to be facts, and we will fight to the death over these beliefs.  Many people have died throughout history with either of these being the alleged cause. I use alleged because I personally believe it's always about money and power and that the people with the money and power get us involved because they can manipulate us because of our beliefs.  That was a minor digression, but I believe it.

How does that affect my perception of things?  Ah. this is where I would like us to go.

I mentioned before about perception being sensory. How can our sensory system not be accurate? I mean, blue is blue isn't it?  That should be a fact. Are facts, always facts?
Am I going off the deep edge here? I'm not sure. I'll give it a try.

I am an artist. I use colors to paint. How many shades of blue exist? I couldn't begin to guess. It depends on what you mix in with it. If you put in some red, you get a purplish blue. Put in some yellow and it starts to go green. You have no doubt had the experience of buying something in the store believing it was grey, and then getting it home in different light and now it's greenish.  See where I'm going?

Even our senses are touched by circumstances that can change them. Therefore, how dependable are they? You think you heard a voice. You think it tastes like almond. You think it smells like garbage. It feels like rubber.  But is it?

MY HYPOTHEIS:

Our belief systems color our perceptions so strongly that even in the face of actual fact, we will not be able to see something. If it contradicts our belief system and we acknowledge it, we will feel lost and unsure of everything. Therefore, it is easier to hold on to a belief that does not serve you rather than change.
I'm going to write that again, in big letter so no on misses it. 

IT IS EASIER TO HOLD ON TO A BELIEF THAT DOES NOT SERVE YOU, RATHER THAN CHANGE.

Where do our beliefs come from?

 Like most other things I've written about, much of it comes from our childhoods. Our parents, either as role models or drill sergeants, teachers, relatives, friends, religious schools and experiences.

As we are growing up we often go in search of our own system of value and belief and often reject those we were brought up with.  As we mature, we often go back to what we were taught. This appears to be part of human nature.









DO I PERCEIVE WHAT I BELIEVE?

I will admit that much of the time I do.  For example, I read that London's first Muslim mayor was just elected. My perception of this goes to reinforce my belief about Europe and particularly England's anti-Semitism. Does it have anything to do with religions? Well, I suppose if they brought it up, there is some meaning. That doesn't mean that it's anti-Jewish. That's how I perceive it though because my thought process has learned to organize certain information in a certain way.

People in America are really hating on Obama. I too, feel that he let us down, but I would never blame it on his race or his perceived Muslim bias. I also believe that when someone is in a position to bomb the world, you might have and show a little more respect. Hey, I'm old fashioned. In America, at least we are allowed to disagree. It's not pretty but we do quite a lot of it.  There are times I am embarrassed to be American. There are other Americans who would probably shoot me for saying that.

I believe guns are used by people to kill other people. I believe that guns should be illegal. The National Rifle Association disagrees and quotes the constitution. Am I wrong? Are they right? Is there such a thing as wrong or right?

Yup. I just headed over to the land of philosophy. 

WHY DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER?

I can only give my opinion, or feelings on this. I believe that our world is at a tipping point.
We humans do not seem to have learned to control our impulses that contribute to wars, hate, destroying the planet and those things lead to destruction.
This reminded me of a quote I saw recently. "I am not willing to kill for a cause, but I am willing to die for one."

If everyone believed this, then no one would kill and no one would die. Only there are a lot of people who believe that killing is the solution. But what if it's not?


It's okay not to agree on everything. It would be very , very boring if we did. The thing is, if we could only agree on the really big things, we might have a chance of survival. That's where I'm going with this. Survival. Not for me personally. For our children's, children's' children.  I am reminded of a Native American Tribe's saying. I wish I knew which tribe, but I don't. They made every decision based on the seventh generation theory.  Before they did something, like move their tribe somewhere else, killing an animal, marrying someone. they would ask, "If we do this, how will it affect the seventh generation?"  So, they knew they couldn't kill too many Buffalos. They couldn't intermarry. They gave thought to the future.

Our leaders are as unconcerned with the future as they are about us. Again. My belief. Maybe not yours. I hope you'll at least consider it. Because that's how we learn. We test our beliefs and see if they old up. Don't confuse broad minded for open minded. Open your minds. Look at what's going on in the world and ask yourself, why? why now? Is there something I can do to make the world a better place? A place that will still exist in seven generations?

As is often the case, this is not where I thought I was going. I was going to keep it more on the personality level because it seems that the posts that are read most, are that type. If you get where I went on the global scale, you can see where you are on the interpersonal one as well.

Are men dogs? Or has your experience led you to believe that? Could you learn to change that opinion or will you make every man you meet seem like a dog. You know self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you believe every one is good, how many times will you be taken advantage of before your change and realize that not everyone is good? Maybe never. You will excuse everyone's behavior and rationalize it away.

So, I'm just asking. Take a look at your beliefs, attitudes, opinions and try to see if they really do check with what other people see as reality. Sometimes it will. Sometimes it won't. Just allow that every now and then. We might be wrong.

 

WE'RE GOOD A LEARNING, BUT.....You're sometimes Impulsive. You tell yourself you won't do it again, and you do. Why haven't you learned?

PS. I started this last night. I had the topic in mind. I came into my room and began to write this. Was that impulsive?  Yes and No. We will see as we read.


I'm very good at learning. I have several degrees to prove to the world that I'm not stupid. So, how is that, that there are things I have done in my past, and things that I do now, that I ought to know better, and not do.

I recently did something on impulse. I had an opportunity to go to Israel for three weeks this summer with my "adopted" family.AD* (Whom I love with all my heart and don't get to see so much since I moved to FL).  I jumped on the chance without thinking. That's cause I knew if I gave it thought, I might not go. I kind of did that when I got married 17 years ago, but that's a tale for a different night.

Well, after several days after having purchased the tickets, I got some information, started to think about what I was doing, and that it would mean being away from  my husband for three weeks, and spending a bunch of money that I hadn't budgeted for. Those are just a few of the reasons that I decided to cancel which I had to do as immediately as I had booked the trip. Then I  lost nearly 400 bucks in doing so. I consider myself lucky because the trip would have been at least ten time that, and wasn't going to be what I had thought.  The first act was impulsive. The second I gave some thought. However, I didn't have to act so quickly. I did because the anxiety of not doing so was making me unstable.

I told myself that this would be a lesson to learn from, due to the heavy penalty I had to pay. I started to think about it, and realized that, no, it won't be a lesson. I haven't done exactly this, but it's not the first time I've done something impulsive,  where there had or would have been consequences that I  believed would teach me a lesson.  This lesson was supposed to  teach me better behavior. To teach me not to do "stupid" things.  Well, the yokes on me.

I can't say that I haven't learned anything. I have matured and don't do many of the things I did when I was younger. I'd say stupider but that's not the case. Single was more likely the reason.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?  YES US. I AM SURE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THIS APPLIES TO. YEAH, I'M SPEAKING TO YOU AS WELL.

The definition on the street for crazy, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. In some way, that' what I'm talking about.

BEHAVIOR:   There have to be some behaviors you (and I) do that we know are not good for us. Sellers count on us. They have stores that know we're coming. That's why they have all these goodies for us to look at while we wait on line to pay.  They are referred to as "impulse items" and they are. You weren't planning on buying a baseball cap, teddy bear, pack of gum or the Enquirer, but you did. Well, it was only a few bucks so what's the biggie?

Those aren't too bad,(unless you are on a strict budget) but there are other things we do that are more harmful. Smoking, drinking too much, eating poorly, over exercising so you hurt yourself, having unsafe sex, cheating on your spouse, betting the mortgage money, driving too fast, going on a vacation you can't afford, and the list goes on. They may not all seem like impulsive behaviors, but if we looked, we might find that most are.

DEFINING IMPULSIVE:
 Not so easy as I hoped. The psych. book has it as a disorder. As in Impulse Control Disorder. An anxiety related to obsessive compulsive disorder in which a person feels an intense, repetitive desire to perform certain behaviors. 
 Nah, I don't have that. Not so much. Not usually. Not so intense. AND it didn't define impulsive. How do they do that?

My handy dandy Webster's states that it is 1. impelling, driving forward; 2. acting or likely to act on impulse.  So, What's an impulse?

IMPULSE:  1. An impelling, or driving forward with sudden force;
2. Incitement to action arising from a state of mind or an external stimulus;
3. A sudden inclination to act, without conscious thought.

Yup. This is better. Especially the part about "without conscious thought".

Do WE LEARN TO BE IMPULSIVE?

A-B-C      
If you're reading this you've learned your ABC's.  These letters however, stand for:    Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence.  Generally this is how we learn.
Something happens. We produce a behavior. A consequence occurs. Depending on several factors, this should produce learning.

For example.  I'm an infant. I'm hungry. I cry. My mother hears me crying and brings me a bottle. She holds me and feeds me. It feels good. I'm not hungry anymore. The being held was a bonus.

What did I learn?  That if I am hungry and I cry, I get fed.
Antecedent = hunger    Behavior = Crying =   Consequence = need fulfilled.

It's a beautiful formula (pun not intended) when it works. Unfortunately, if doesn't often go as planned.  What if mum isn't consistent?  Sometimes she comes right away and sometimes she hopes you'll cry yourself to sleep. What have you learned now? Sometimes crying works and sometimes it doesn't. This is very confusing. What you have learned is not to trust your mum, or whomever it is who is supposed to be taking care of you.

So, consistency is important. So is timing. When we learn, we pair the behavior with the consequence and the timing. (Forget about the Antecedent for now.)

We can stay with the infant. If I get fed within a reasonable amount of time, I know that my crying is what brings the food. If it takes too long, I don't know why I'm being fed. Think of training a dog to pee outside. You may or may not have had the pleasure of house training a pet. I did.

Basically, if you catch them in the act you pick them up and bring them outside and then reward the behavior. Punishment doesn't work. Not for animals and not for children. Don't get me started on this. Punishment is not negative reinforcement. That's also a different topic, at least for now.

I will actually give you a sick example from a zillion years ago when I taught second grade in Bedford Stuyvesant. For those of you unfamiliar with Brooklyn, it was a very scary ghetto. Which isn't really important except for the fact that I had an aide in the morning because we had federal funds.

I was not doing a good job at teaching. (read that as controlling) I was brand new. I took over the class near the beginning of the term for a teacher on maternity leave. I was like a sub. Two strikes and I was almost out. Back to the relevant part. The aide used to take the class to the bathroom after reading, before math.  I was thrilled to have a few minutes of a break.

One day, I was beginning the unit on measurement. I picked up a ruler and held it up.  The students sitting directly in front of me, all ducked and put their hands over their heads.  I was surprised, to say the least. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they thought I was going to hit them because once I got them to spill, it came out that, my aide was taking them to their break and using a large ruler if they got out of line. Literally and figuratively. She was hitting them with the ruler.  She and I had a talk after that.

The point is, they didn't learn to stop being unruly. They still were. They learned to be afraid of a ruler. And probably the aide.

The behavior you're trying to stop doesn't go away, it goes underground. You don't smoke in front of your parents right?  Does that mean you don't smoke?

Okay. You get the idea.

In order for learning to be effective, the consequence must happen as close to the behavior as possible.  As Shakespeare so nicely said, "and therein lies the rub".  An example of this is masturbation. The climax is an immediate consequence of the behavior.  If you get reprimanded after that has occurred, you missed the boat.  This is one reason why certain "habits" are hard to break. If the consequence is a positive one and follows immediately you got big trouble. And probably a sexual one as well.

And this would be the reason why certain types of impulsive behaviors are tough to stop. The behavior is usually followed by some kind of rush. Excitement, relief, pleasure, even an item that is now yours and you can hold it and anything that your brain would consider a "payoff". In the last case the payoff can be a thought, like " I am rich and powerful. I bought that."  When the bill comes due, you freak out, but it doesn't compare to the rush you had, and is delayed too long to really connect them up. The consequence may be bad. You may have ruined your credit, gained another 5 pounds, or gotten an STD. It's too late. The pleasure came first and the pain, well, life is filled with pain and we don't necessarily want to connect it to our previous behavior.


HOW DO YOU BREAK THE CHAIN?

FIRST-  You have to really want to.  oops, sorry, but it's a factor.
If you aren't motivated to change, you won't. I mean really motivated for yourself because you have finally recognized that you are doing damage to yourself, even though it feels really, really good at the time.


SECOND-    Can you figure out the trigger? (antecedent is too long a word and it really means the same thing for our purpose).  What is it that triggers the desire that leads to the need for the behavior?  Have I lost you yet? Please, just stay with me here.

  An example. Maybe not a good one, but it's late and I'm tired. Usually in the evenings my husband and I watch TV. When we watch TV, I do most of my munching/noshing.  I can put away a half a pound of chocolate with no problem. Except when I weigh myself the next day, and the scale isn't kind. I get mad at myself. And then, I do the same thing the next night. And the next, and the next.

 I did notice, that, if I don't read or watch TV (reading is the other trigger), and come into my woman cave and write a blog, or paint a picture or do some kind of craft, I'm not hungry nor am I craving sweets.  So, what's the trigger?

Yeah. Reading and watching TV. Two activities where I am passive and my hands don't have much to do.  Stop thinking dirty. I know where your minds go.

The taste of the chocolate is the immediate gratification. The watching TV is one of the few activities my husband and I do together. That creates a dilemma. I know that what I'm doing is bad. It's not healthy to eat all that crap. My solution is not one that I suggest. At this point, it's the only one I have been able to do.
 I don't eat much during the day and so when I do eat the chocolate, my weight can be stable. I haven't solved the problem. I've figured out a stupid way of dealing with it.


Just put chocolate in the bowl. I eat Pirate Booty as a palette cleanser.



 

Only you can figure out your own triggers, rewards and consequences. Or you can go to a therapist. Especially if it's really fucking up your life.

If you know the trigger, AVOID it. Common sense. Like at Gambler's Anonymous it really means shutting yourself up in a cave. Because gamblers will bet on anything. So, they can't watch the news because of the sports reports. The can't watch TV because there may be something in a show that sets off the impulse.  It's hard to have an addiction. I'm hoping your impulse problem is more garden variety and doesn't fall into the serious ones.

Overspending is another.  It used to be easier because you didn't go into stores. Now, with online shopping you have to lock up the computer and your smart phone or put in safeguards.

Of course, if you're lucky, you can try to understand why that trigger  is connected to the behavior.

THEORY:
The trigger is usually one of those things mentioned in the definition. A state of mind or external stimulus.  Those are the trigger to the trigger.

Like with many of states of mind the ones that trigger behavior are usually ones that are uncomfortable and need to be excised.  Like a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, disconnection, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness and the list goes on.

  The behaviors we go to are really attempts to fill a hole in your soul. The trigger are a surfacing of the unwanted feeling or thought and the discomfort must go. The trigger gets pulled and the behavior starts. You feel better. The unconscious is repressed and the cycle begins. 

  There are some people with brains that are predisposed to impulsive behavior. Even they can learn ways to control it.

  Each of us has accidentally found a behavior that stops the anxiety/pain. They may be different because of what we experienced as kids, but the outcome is the same. We do things we really don't want to do. Sometimes we can learn to substitute one bad habit for another.  The consequences don't seem to matter. The timing is too off.  So what can you really do?

It comes down to another old saying. KNOW THYSELF.  Most of us don't want to look into our psyches for fear of what we will find. The trouble is, that we do things that are worse than what we find.

If you know you're buying things to feel powerful, what is it that makes you feel "unpowerful?"  If you're having sex with too many people, do you know why? Do you need to feel validated? What makes you feel unworthy of validation? If you're eating because it feels good, but you're overweight and hate yourself, why do you need to hate yourself?

You need to ask those hard questions. And often they will point to a lack of self love and self esteem. Holes in you that you are attempting to fill with things that take away your esteem. So what can you do?

A friend once said that in order to feel self-esteem you have to do esteem-able things. They will be different in some ways, but not in all. What makes you feel good? Is it helping someone else without them knowing? Is it volunteer work? Is it being kind to the clerk in the store who was rude to you? Apologizing for your behavior and then not doing it again?

CONCLUSION:
Not all impulse driven behavior is the same. Being spontaneous isn't the same as impulsive. Impulsivity is bad when it causes more damage than joy. If you're rich and overspend you're helping the economy. Still, you may be looking to fill some hole that you need to fix.  Sorry. My mind fixated on the word hole. And a recent cartoon.  I will photo and add.
Just to sum up. If you don't want to be impulsive, you can stop.  It won't be easy and it won't be quick  but it will be better. And who doesn't want to be better?

This girl is not being impulsive. Or maybe she is. Maybe he isn't an asshole. Oh well. That's what I thought of when I wrote the word hole. doesn't speak well for me.

LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN EVERYONE ENDS UP HAPPY Why oh why can't I learn?

I remember the first time I heard about low/no expectations. It was years back from a middle school girl relating her older brother's advice.
Needless to say I was appalled.  No expectations? How can you expect to get anywhere or be anything with no expectations?

Her response was real simple. You never get disappointed.

I hadn't given it too much thought about maybe ten years ago when the topic of expectations came up. It was interesting. If you have expectations and they aren't met, you get disappointed and may even resent the person who disappointed you. The consensus was for no expectations.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't go there. I was able to settle on what we ultimately called reasonable expectations.

Of course reasonable is subjective and not exactly a true measure. It at least gives a guideline to work with.

Why am I now thinking about this? Well, I think about expectations a lot. Being brought up as a child whose family had unrealistically high expectations, I was doomed to feeling like a failure, regardless of how well I might have done. I also put those high expectations on everyone else. And so, guess what? I was frequently disappointed and couldn't understand other people.

I also remember attending a district wide workshop for school psychologists. There was a questionnaire we had to fill out. One of the questions was "how do you think you are doing at your job?"  Of course I thought I was doing a very good job. I had feedback from supervisors and administrators so I'm not just blowing smoke. When the papers were passed around, I saw that someone else had written "adequate".  It blew me away.  How could a person feel alright just being adequate?

Looking back on all the years that I struggled to be "better than" I can laugh at myself. I'm not saying that doing your best is a bad thing. Only when you become so invested in it that you're never happy.

WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO WHY I'M WRITING

If you've been following my blog, you know that I had cataract surgery. The second eye was done a bit over a week ago.

Here is where my expectations have gotten me.

I know a lot of women who have had this surgery, even without the laser part. I kept wondering why so many older women weren't wearing glasses. Except occasionally for reading.  I started doing a poll and found out the answer was linked to cataracts. I already had them and was told they were getting "ripe".

I got so excited. I'd been wearing glasses with progressive lenses for 20 something years. It's not that I don't like glasses. I actually do. It's that I'm one of those people who are easily annoyed by things like clothing labels, bras, panty hose and the place behind your ears where the glasses sit.

I have a small head. (Thick skull?) and finding glasses to fit was never easy. And so I figured I'd be home free.

I saw my ophthalmologist and they were ripe for the picking. We went over the possibilities. I could have regular surgery, (no extra money)  but it's not as precise or something like that. I could have the laser, but it couldn't do what I wanted. Of course not. I wanted to not need reading glasses because I do so much close up work. Also, shopping it's a pain to have to take out glasses to read the price.

Because I have dry eyes, the type of lens that would have fixed it all was out of the question.

He said he would try to tweak it so I lost a little of my distance (which I didn't think I cared about) to give me a bit more for close up.

Somewhere in there I heard, I probably wouldn't need reading glasses. Which brings me to my point. My expectations were not realistic if I really listened to what the doctor had said.

Although my eyes won't settle for another three weeks, this is probably where they are.

I NEED READING GLASSES, SORT OF MOSTLY?

Sometimes I can read at the computer without anything. The #'s he told me to try were 2.5 and 2.75. So I bought two inexpensive pair. Not quite right. No good for computer. Okay for reading?

I went to the dollar store and got three different magnifying numbers. Some are the same and they suck. Others were okay. The problem is I have to remember to take them on and off. I put them on and look around and get nauseous.

I won't go on because this was supposed to just be an example.

EXPECTATIONS CAN BREAK YOUR HEART

I have finally come to the understanding that me and so many people I know, have unrealistic expectations. And each time one doesn't get met, another little bit of a heart breaks.

You think you husband/boyfriend/girlfriend will remember your birthday and buy you a special gift. They don't. You take it personally.


HYPOTHESIS
Human beings are self-centered. Therefore, we believe that what is important to us will also be important to everyone else. Well, at least those people who know us. So, we expect them to be able to read our minds and meet those expectations.

REALITY CHECK
What's important to me, may not be important to you. And, I have no right to believe that it should be. Just because I believe something does not make it so.
Also, if you do not know. People cannot read minds.

CONCLUSION
If you have an expectation from someone else, you better let them know. Communicating your desires and wants is the only possible way you might get them. Usually, even that doesn't work. At least you know that you will not be getting roses on Valentine's Day.  Assuming you were listening and didn't decide that the other person would do it anyway.

What we do comes under the heading of crazy. You know, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I have to learn to lower my overall expectations. It's jus the way it is. And that includes the ones I have for myself. I need to give me a break too.

So, stop expecting so much.  When something nice happens, you'll be surprised and in the end, so much happier.