I really, really, really hate that. If you've been following the posts, you'll remember that depression is something I've struggled with a good deal of my life. One thing I need to emphasize for myself, is that blue is blue and depression is black. They are not the same thing.
I also need to remember that this too shall pass. What is so difficult is that after having spent so much time feeling black, when the clouds lift and you see how wonderful it is to feel what I refer to as "normal", you don't ever want to go back. So, you convince yourself that this "now" is the new and forever. As Julie Andrews once sang, "wouldn't that be loverly?" Yes. It would. But, it's not reality.
Even in "normal", healthy lives, everyone experiences the blues.
A big part of what I don't like about this state of my is that it makes me unproductive. Or at least I feel unproductive. Remember, it's the perception that counts.
So, who does one deal with this seemingly sudden change in the weather?
I'm guessing everyone has a different method. I'd like to share mine because it may be helpful to someone else out there.
I try to backtrack to when it started and see if I can figure out the trigger or triggers. Although you'd like to think it truly comes from out of no where, there usually is an origin.In this current bout, I believe their are a few.
Looking into my head is like doing an archeological dig. I start with the top layer, see what's there, examine it, and if it doesn't tell the whole story, I go down to the next layer. I do this until I think I have all the parts I'll find, and then I lay them out and examine them. They usually tell a story.
I'm struggling with how much to share. The top levels are usually things that people can discuss in public and don't cause discomfort. I'll start with those.
I am disappointed in my cataract surgery because I wanted what I couldn't get. The ability to see without glasses or contacts. (although technically I do now have lenses in my eyes). It may be another couple of weeks before they settle into the "new normal", but I'll still need at least reading glasses. And glasses for the computer. And maybe for driving. And so, I am asking myself what in the Hell did I pay 2200 dollars on for laser to make the cataract surgery better?
Taking reading glasses on and off is a pain in the ass. Especially after 20 something years of not having to. Since I wore my glasses all the time, I can't say if my distance vision is worse or not. In any event, I may decide that this is too much trouble and go back and get a pair of progressive lenses. But wait. That's why I did the surgery. I didn't want to have to wear them all the time.
And they are expensive. Even with using the frames I have it'll probably cost me another 400 bucks. And then, do I need sunglasses? I do live in Florida.
Blues reasons number:
1. I'm disappointed and feel really stupid because it's not like the doctor didn't warn me.
1a. ANGER, DIRECTED AT ME. SELF BLAMING. Hmm. Score 1.
1b. I spend a fricking s--- load of cash, and may need to spend more.
Again, if you've been following along, I love art. I love taking photographs. My phone and my Canon sure shot have served me well over the past few years. I've gotten more serious about my work since I joined the Art League here and my husband has been telling me for a long time that I ought to buy a really good camera. (I have to spread at least some of the blame. There's usually enough to go around). My step daughter has a good one and so does his sister-in-law. They got them to take pix of their kids. And Jess, my step daughter is an amazing artist and very creative. Her Christmas cards are works of art.
And so, I succumbed and bought a Nikon. I can hear the voice of Paul Simon singing in my head about his Nikon and Kodachrome camera. "Oh mama don't take my Kodachrome away".
Blues reasons number:
2. I'm attempting to learn something that seems complicated. I stopped painting so I could focus ( LOL on the pun) on figuring out how to use this new camera and again, and feeling very frustrated. After using the two lenses I bought in the package, I'm thinking the lens that is coming tomorrow will be the only one I need. I'm starting to think that the lenses are the only thing that really makes a difference. And after I started to read my Dummies book, the author wrote about pixels and other things with words I currently can't recall, but, the point she made was that unless you are going to make actual printed photographs, larger than 8x 10, what I've been using was good enough.
2a. I'm worried that I won't figure out how to use this new fangled computer. If I use it on automatic, I still need to figure out what I'm doing. And, I might not really have needed to invest so much money into it unless I make huge prints. okay. just a little more anger.
2b. I've stopped painting and drawing so I don't have a creative outlet and I need one with this level of frustration.
2c. I just spent another crap load of money which meant I had to take it out of my retirement stash.
Are you getting the picture?
I am. Things are coming into focus. haha.
CHANGE, EITHER GOOD OR BAD CAN
CREATE STRESS
Well, that helps. Doesn't it? If I stay at the top layers of my brain, I have just found quite a few reasons to feel less than chipper.
For starters, I'm feeling better already. Just writing this on "paper" helped me recognize what is going on and I didn't have to dig deep.
So, what are the triggers for me and perhaps you?
Start with CHANGE. Whenever something changes, there is a response. It doesn't have to be a big change either. We expect to feel different when big changes happen, so we may not recognize things that are more subtle.
Go to expectations. For me that's a biggie. I wrote about that recently and here I am. Having my unrealistic expectations triggering feelings of anger, stupidity, and disappointment.
Last, we can say the word FINANCES. Money is a huge trigger for most people. For most people they would rather talk about their sex lives and bathroom habits than how much they earn or have in their financial lives. How weird is that? Trust me. I know. Remember, I used to listen for a living.
To feel better you have to figure out a cause or causes. Take the time to look at what, when and the effect they may be having. Sometimes talking it over with a friend can help. But if you have the kind of friends who will tell you not to feel that way, don't bother. It's really okay to talk to yourself, preferably not out loud.
Understanding what started the change in mood is usually the road back.
I've already cleared away my work desk to get ready to start another project. Don't yet know what it will be, but it will happen soon.
I also have to remember that money is just that. I didn't get into debt. That would be a whole 'nother type of problem. It just triggered some fears and feeling that I'm not allowed to treat myself well. Old baggage from the fairy tale you won't ever hear about again.
As for my eyes. I'll just have to learn to be patient. Again. Not a strong suit for many of us. What's done is done. I have to accept it. I will find the right prescription reading glasses. I may or may not buy one good pair. None of it is awful or insoluble.
As for the layers beneath. I'm doing my last (hopefully) leg of therapy.
My shrink does a technique called EMDR. It helps process traumas but also stirs up the old experiences in order to bring them to the light.
This week I did an exercise on the time I was nearly raped when I was 14. It actually shed some light on what had happened as I looked at it, visually and saw some things I hadn't really noticed in all these years.
It actually made the next event that happened a year and a half later, seem less bad. I haven't done the work on either yet. So I don't know how it'll go.
I also think that sharing that much is enough.
THEORY THAT I CAN'T PROVE:
If your emotions start to change and you're not sure why, you need to take a look. You don't always have to go deep. Some things on the surface will be triggered by some of your deeper issues, but you only need to recognize them and accept them for what they are. We will always have passing moods based on happenings in life. Writing about them helps.
WHAT TO DO:
I would suggest, that for those of you who are willing, keep a journal. If you're not sure what is going on, you can look back and see if you can find the trigger.
If you don't like to write, perhaps you have an ap that you can speak to and use that in the same way. Really, it's about being mindful of what your triggers are and noticing when you fell off the rails.
And when all else fails, there's always chocolate or ice cream.
Like the last line solution :) good article
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