Admission. I joined a single's site one or two years after they first appeared on-line, when the world wide web was but a baby. Actually I hadn't really been aware of it but heard about it, from my cousin. At his suggestion I bought a computer that could connect onto the internet. Whatever the hell that was.
As for dates, I had several, hmm ,interesting ones, (I shall write about those later) and thankfully, one good date. Yes, I met my husband on- line. The site we met on, no longer exists. They were probably successful and ran out of clientele.
This prologue is for me to write pretend ads.
I haven't had much time to think this through so the first ones that came to me last night were filtered through my professional mind, and I certainly mean no disrespect to the men or women who are emotionally challenged. I not only worked with them, I have been one as well.
Pardon my bias. In my fiction, women seem to be more honest, but nuts. Men, are well, men. And I honestly have trouble thinking like a man.
I have been told by some men that the trouble with women, ( well one of the troubles) is that females believe men are complex. The alleged reality is, that men are simple and don't think about things the way women do. Therefore, we females are confusing ourselves by cogitating that males are more complicated than they are. If you understood that, you probably have estrogen running through your veins. Or used to.
Female Ads:
S*WF: (S* stands for schizophrenic), looking for two Single males. He/they must like
having several conversations at once and not being able to follow any of
them.
Example: "Do you want spinach in your salad or nuts on the bar-b-q lid or
maybe the rotting senator with the bald head or the baby should sit with us &
the TV is listening in so we should put on our cones of silence or they will
sell our meal plans to the Martians." "Yes Dear." This is always a good
response depending on your tone of voice.
You should not mind slightly overdone makeup and unusual hair and should
know the dance called " the shuffle" for when I'm on my meds.
When NOT on my meds our dance will be either boogie wildly or
hold one pose for six hours. When I know you are who you say you are I
will find you.
SWF: Looking for one depressed man and one manic one. I am a woman who has her
ups and downs and since they can be severe at times, you might want to be able
to tag team when the emotional roller coaster hits. When depressed, you
should enjoy laying in bed for a few weeks, without sex. The tissues are for
crying and wiping up tears. When I'm flying high you should love adventure,
maxing out your credit card, doing it everywhere in front of and with everyone.
Clarification, not using the credit card, having S-E-X .
You'd best contact me now ,as I'm in my happy phase and if you wait, I could
go into a funk, and I won't answer your email. Think of all you'll miss.
SWF: I am agoraphobic. I haven't left my house in four years but I have a 60"
high def television and all of the latest technology.
I am looking for an M who delivers.
Male Ads:
WM: I am currently separated from my wife and don't want to lie and use the word
single, which I will be soon. I am looking for a woman who understands me
unlike the beyatch I'm divorcing and would love to help me raise my four boys
should I get partial custody. You should be between the ages of 19 and 40 and
attractive.
Please, no children of your own. That would be complicated.
SWM: I am looking for SWF, under the age of 29, but legal. You should be very
beautiful, preferably blonde, a size four, 5'5 to 5'8' tall. You are interested
in me, sports, traveling and keeping your man satisfied. No children and no
former marriages. No fatties or ugs please. If you want to know more about
me respond to this ad. I'll tell you everything when we meet. Photo a must.
SWM: I am a regular kind of guy. Nice looking and working at the same job for 8
Years. I'm in my 30's, and am looking for an attractive woman in her late 20's.
You should be employed. I do not know if I am looking for a serious
relationship, since I have never had one, but you could be the one.
Not liking to talk about emotions a must. Oh, I still live with my mother but
it's just until I can find someone who can cook.
I really do feel sad for single people. Not that I don't feel sad for married people too. It's just that when you're single and wanting to be with someone you can forget that there are worse things than being alone. And if you're married, to the wrong person, you too can forget that there are worse things than being alone. (that was the theory part. Did I forget to mention that)?
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