WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT INTIMACY, WHY DO THEY THINK ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE REFERRING TO SEX?

Good morning. I hope you all had a nice couple of days. I did which is what brought this topic to mind.

As you know, this is my second marriage. We've been together for 18 years.
My husband has two "children". They were just becoming young adults when we met.

Blended families can be really difficult. Especially when there are young kids involved.  It was easier since the "kids" were still living at school and at home, part time ,with their mom.

Looking back, the thing that made our relationship growth harder was the geographic distance.
It wasn't that far,  but the trips were well over an hour. At least if we went to visit them we could park since they were out near the end of Long Island.

We lived in an apartment in Great Neck where the parking after 4 PM was as bad as Manhattan, except we didn't have parking lots you could pay for.

this was across the street.

I hated to invite people over because after arriving on our block, regardless of the length of your trip, you could drive around nearly as long before finding a spot (that was hopefully legal) and then, have a long walk. So, I thought I was being considerate by not asking.
I never thought that people might think I didn't want them to come around because I didn't care about them. There I'd gone again. Projecting my ideas into the brains of others.

It was also difficult because they were at an age where they were busy enjoying their lives which did not include parental units.

Since I hadn't been lucky enough to have children of my own, I was so happy to have step kids. Whenever we did see them it was always good. I have to say that they accepted me immediately.  His family, is actually pretty terrific. Even his ex-wife. Of course I didn't know that at the time.

Still. I never felt like part of the family. Except for his Mom. I had expected to become intimate with his family,  because, well,  what did I know?

You see, I have problems with intimate relationships. Not the ones you think about right away. Not sex. As a digression, I will say that there are many people who can have really intimate sex instead of a really intimate relationship. But as I always say, that's for another time.  Intimate relationships with friends, family and you know, other human beings.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY "INTIMATE'?

Webster starts with the words fundamental and essential.  Next is, most private and personal.  Having sexual relations is 6th on the list.

I see intimacy as being able to have close, loving relationships with people who are important to me. As I, am hopefully important to them as well. I don't see intimacy as being one sided. It still takes two.
However, I don't actually know what that is. As in, huh ? How do you show your love? Do you tell the person everything you think and feel?  How much time do you need to spend together? How often do you need to talk? I know. It sounds but ridiculous, but then, that is my name.

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS AN ISSUE?

If you've been following along, my upbringing was middle class and not with people who were easily capable if intimacy. Not that I think there is any relationship between class and intimacy.

Whatever closeness we had was the unhealthy kind. My mother was well meaning. Of course it took years of therapy and a 12 step program for me to get there, but I did. That's what matters. (To know that she was well meaning and not just some mean bitch who didn't want me to be happy)
She was very codependent. She wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and that was very invasive. So, I became rather evasive. She did share some of her intimacies with me. Unfortunately, the things she told me, I did not want to know and surely did not need to know.



My dad has his issues as well. Codependence, of course. Is it possible to have one codependent person in a relationship? But his brand of dependency was very different. Home for him was a place, that he didn't spend a whole lot of time. He needed to know it was there and my mom was the anchor. Of course he saw it as an anchor around his neck, even though he had created it. And, although he was out a lot, he was home just enough to make me fearful and untrusting of men.



And of course, my older sister and I were so different and young. So when she up and died it was like I had been given the trifecta nuclear family.

What had I learned about intimate relationships?

1. If you got close to someone, they want to know all your business.
2. If you got close to someone, you couldn't trust them with your feelings or your business. They'd use it against you.
3. If you got close to someone, they  would abandon you; whether by death or desertion, betrayal, it didn't matter. You'd be alone.

 And so, I hobbled my way through my early years. Making poor choices. And making intimate friends who I would ultimately disappoint, do something stupid and lose the relationship. Again, it would take a long time to realize my part in things. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.


I was the proverbial person who was creating all these self-fulfilling prophecies. I just didn't know it.

I think my solution, when I got older, was to become more selective and less intimate with everyone. And much less dependent.

I usually had one  very good friend with whom I could share my life, but the rest. Well, who needed more?

In my mind, I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I allowed more intimate relationships I would become anxious. Too much for me to handle. 

OR

We get to know each other and if you really know me, you'll run. Or you'll  take advantage of me or expect me to be someone I couldn't be. In any case, I'd be left, so why bother?

WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE:

When you are afraid to make friends, you may have a select one or two. Then you worry. What happens when they go south? Actually, my age that means to Florida, but it didn't have that connotation when I was young. (ha ha)

You believe that it's better to be able to take care of yourself and not need anyone else. You try to be completely self-sufficient. People may think you're aloof, a snob, a shit. You don't look shy, although you probably are because your level of experience in meeting people is limited because you haven't wanted to meet people.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

I know I am not alone. I know that this is a problem for a great number of people. People who believe they want to have intimate relationships, but can't seem to find them. And, yes, they could also be of the romantic kind.

 Intimacy is a tricky lady. You have to know her to be able to relate to her. However, if you never got to know her, you can't figure out how.

When I was 47 and still in single 2, (that's when you've been married once and are single for the second time), I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. Suddenly, life seemed better. I felt "normal".  I won't anxious and crying and I liked me.  At least I thought that was what normal probably felt like. So I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet someone.
And that was when I met my husband. I was still terrified, but I was more terrified of never getting beyond my fear. And so I pushed through it. It hasn't been easy. But it has been worth it.

BACK TO WHERE THIS POST BEGAN -

I thought that it would be easy to develop relationships with my step children.
Like I said, we were always on good terms when we got together and I tried to get closer to them. Of course, my version of closer pushed them away because they weren't ready for me. And, my skills and understanding of the situation were not very good.

And so it has taken many years for me to feel like I have a family.  I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn not to take certain things personally.  I had to learn that with children, it's about them, not me.

I'm still learning. Only I finally feel like I'm  part of the family. I really do love them and feel close to them. My son in law is one of a kind, as is his mom. I love spending time with them and we have great conversations. And also a lot of fun. And the ex has remarried too. My step daughter's mother in law, and mom step-dad live twenty minutes away.  We live over three hours away.  As it was in New York, it has become in Florida. But it's okay. My husband and I are not the kind of people who want to be involved with all the day to day issues. We are happy to be as involved as we like and are here for them when we're needed.

My step son and his wife are still in New York so we don't see them often. It's tough because even if you have a relationship, long distance makes it a lot of work.  And I am not a phone person. I don't know why, but I hate talking on the phone.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when they sent me a happy mother's day text. You can't imagine how wonderful that made me feel.

When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I gave it a lot of thought. When I lived up north, my best friend would always have a cake for me and her kids who were around, would help celebrate.  I missed that.

So, I told him that I wanted to spend it with my family. And that's what we did.
We drove across the state and took them out for dinner and had a roaring good time. We got there early so we could see the grandchildren and the other grandparents baby sat so we could go out. That's all of us pulling together.

the waiter, hubbie, kids and Claudia. I was taking the pic.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You don't have to share your feelings or know everything that's going on in someone's life to have an intimate relationship. You have to have a connection of the heart. You know you're loved by the actions they make and even when they forget to make them.  They know you love them, the same way. You all know that you're there for each other if you're needed.

I don't know if I can branch out with this knowledge to people who aren't family, but I'm getting a bit more understanding of what it means. And I know that although I'm not one of those individuals who have to be with someone all the time, I do need to be with people some of the time.

ME AND MY SWEETHEART Joey

LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN EVERYONE ENDS UP HAPPY Why oh why can't I learn?

I remember the first time I heard about low/no expectations. It was years back from a middle school girl relating her older brother's advice.
Needless to say I was appalled.  No expectations? How can you expect to get anywhere or be anything with no expectations?

Her response was real simple. You never get disappointed.

I hadn't given it too much thought about maybe ten years ago when the topic of expectations came up. It was interesting. If you have expectations and they aren't met, you get disappointed and may even resent the person who disappointed you. The consensus was for no expectations.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't go there. I was able to settle on what we ultimately called reasonable expectations.

Of course reasonable is subjective and not exactly a true measure. It at least gives a guideline to work with.

Why am I now thinking about this? Well, I think about expectations a lot. Being brought up as a child whose family had unrealistically high expectations, I was doomed to feeling like a failure, regardless of how well I might have done. I also put those high expectations on everyone else. And so, guess what? I was frequently disappointed and couldn't understand other people.

I also remember attending a district wide workshop for school psychologists. There was a questionnaire we had to fill out. One of the questions was "how do you think you are doing at your job?"  Of course I thought I was doing a very good job. I had feedback from supervisors and administrators so I'm not just blowing smoke. When the papers were passed around, I saw that someone else had written "adequate".  It blew me away.  How could a person feel alright just being adequate?

Looking back on all the years that I struggled to be "better than" I can laugh at myself. I'm not saying that doing your best is a bad thing. Only when you become so invested in it that you're never happy.

WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO WHY I'M WRITING

If you've been following my blog, you know that I had cataract surgery. The second eye was done a bit over a week ago.

Here is where my expectations have gotten me.

I know a lot of women who have had this surgery, even without the laser part. I kept wondering why so many older women weren't wearing glasses. Except occasionally for reading.  I started doing a poll and found out the answer was linked to cataracts. I already had them and was told they were getting "ripe".

I got so excited. I'd been wearing glasses with progressive lenses for 20 something years. It's not that I don't like glasses. I actually do. It's that I'm one of those people who are easily annoyed by things like clothing labels, bras, panty hose and the place behind your ears where the glasses sit.

I have a small head. (Thick skull?) and finding glasses to fit was never easy. And so I figured I'd be home free.

I saw my ophthalmologist and they were ripe for the picking. We went over the possibilities. I could have regular surgery, (no extra money)  but it's not as precise or something like that. I could have the laser, but it couldn't do what I wanted. Of course not. I wanted to not need reading glasses because I do so much close up work. Also, shopping it's a pain to have to take out glasses to read the price.

Because I have dry eyes, the type of lens that would have fixed it all was out of the question.

He said he would try to tweak it so I lost a little of my distance (which I didn't think I cared about) to give me a bit more for close up.

Somewhere in there I heard, I probably wouldn't need reading glasses. Which brings me to my point. My expectations were not realistic if I really listened to what the doctor had said.

Although my eyes won't settle for another three weeks, this is probably where they are.

I NEED READING GLASSES, SORT OF MOSTLY?

Sometimes I can read at the computer without anything. The #'s he told me to try were 2.5 and 2.75. So I bought two inexpensive pair. Not quite right. No good for computer. Okay for reading?

I went to the dollar store and got three different magnifying numbers. Some are the same and they suck. Others were okay. The problem is I have to remember to take them on and off. I put them on and look around and get nauseous.

I won't go on because this was supposed to just be an example.

EXPECTATIONS CAN BREAK YOUR HEART

I have finally come to the understanding that me and so many people I know, have unrealistic expectations. And each time one doesn't get met, another little bit of a heart breaks.

You think you husband/boyfriend/girlfriend will remember your birthday and buy you a special gift. They don't. You take it personally.


HYPOTHESIS
Human beings are self-centered. Therefore, we believe that what is important to us will also be important to everyone else. Well, at least those people who know us. So, we expect them to be able to read our minds and meet those expectations.

REALITY CHECK
What's important to me, may not be important to you. And, I have no right to believe that it should be. Just because I believe something does not make it so.
Also, if you do not know. People cannot read minds.

CONCLUSION
If you have an expectation from someone else, you better let them know. Communicating your desires and wants is the only possible way you might get them. Usually, even that doesn't work. At least you know that you will not be getting roses on Valentine's Day.  Assuming you were listening and didn't decide that the other person would do it anyway.

What we do comes under the heading of crazy. You know, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I have to learn to lower my overall expectations. It's jus the way it is. And that includes the ones I have for myself. I need to give me a break too.

So, stop expecting so much.  When something nice happens, you'll be surprised and in the end, so much happier. 

WHAT'S YOUR BLIND SPOT? EVERY MAMMAL HAS ONE.

   Science and Psychology often merge. In order to understand perception, the psychologist looks to the sciences of the senses. For this one, I'm looking at the eye. Not a shock considering it's been the focus  (haha) of my life the past couple of weeks. 

   I used to have fun with this lesson. I'll put in two of the pictures I found in my text books, but you may need to find some on line to find the proper distance, so that it works.

  A blind spot is known as a Scotoma.  The WIKI definition is below.  I'll sum it up and if you want the whole skinny, you can read more.

   Basically, each of us have a dead or empty spot in our eye where there are no photoreceptor cells. If you do one of the tests, you will indeed see that there is a spot where you can't see out of.  You have a hole in your vision field and you can only "see" it if you do one of these type of tests. They work. It's eerie. You move the page back and forth and suddenly, a big piece of what you're looking at goes missing. 

the pic I edited is one I couldn't find. you get the idea.

A scotoma (Greek σκότος/skótos, darkness; plural: scotomas or scotomata) is an area of partial alteration in the field of vision consisting of a partially diminished or entirely degenerated visual acuity that is surrounded by a field of normal – or relatively well-preserved – vision.

Every normal mammal eye has a scotoma in its field of vision, usually termed its blind spot.  It is only a problem when you develop more than one and it interferes with your vision.

   This is a location with no photoreceptor cells, where the retinal ganglion cell axons that compose the optic nerve exit the retina. This location is called the optic disc. There is no direct conscious awareness of visual scotomas. They are simply regions of reduced information within the visual field. Rather than recognizing an incomplete image, patients with scotomas report that things "disappear" on them.^[1]
The presence of the blind spot scotoma can be demonstrated subjectively by covering one eye, carefully holding fixation with the open eye, and placing an object (such as one's thumb) in the lateral and horizontal visual field, about 15 degrees from fixation (see the blind spot article). The size of the monocular scotoma is 5×7 degrees of visual angle. Wiki.

not sure if something got cut off.

  In any event, what is so truly cool about this spot is ----- we don't notice it.
Our brain takes over and fills in what it expects or wants to be there.

  How cool is that?  You're looking at a picture of your favorite, well, you fill in the blank. What you are actually seeing, is a picture with a hole in it. Like maybe the face is missing an eyeball. Or the woman's body is missing a breast.

  Your brain is so trained to see what should be there, that you actually believe that it is really there. Of course, we could probably say that about lots of things, which is why I thought this might be of interest.

   HYPOSTHESIS:
  The brain is so well trained at seeing what you expect or desire, that it can trick you into seeing what is not actually there. Therefore, your expectation is more powerful than the reality.


CAN I THINK OF SOME EXAMPLES?

  I'll start with a very common phenomenon.  After someone you know has died, you walk around and you often think you are seeing the person who has passed.
   I don't want to get into an argument with people who will say that this is possible.(actually seeing the "ghost" of who passed).  I believe it too. Only, not on a large scale. Like every day several times a day for several weeks, you keep "seeing" the person but upon closer inspection, you know it isn't them.

  It's what we want or expect to be there.  It's natural after a loss.  But can we do it with other things as well?


  Personally I think we can and do all the time. Not at all consciously. 

 Oh. Here's another one. You think your spouse is angry at you. You aren't sure why, but you're sure you're right. (we are always sure we're right).  So, when you see your spouse, you notice a tone in the voice, a look in the eye, a tightness around the mouth.  You respond in a way that you would (defensively)  if your spouse were angry. This may trigger anger that wasn't there. It does however, reinforce your belief that you were right.  You could of course be projecting your own anger onto your spouse and not wanting to be the one to start the argument, put it on him/her.

  There are lots of situations people do this in. Not projection. Looking for something in the other person.
   I just thought of adolescents. I don't know if they still do what I did, but if they do, you remember how that goes.
  You want to know if he/she likes you. You sit with your friend for hours, dissecting every move, every word, every expression the person said and did in a particular exchange.  It's kind of like reading tea leaves. You pick out the information that supports your theory. Oh. Is that what I'm doing now? You tell me. I'm not impartial.  

   OBSERVATION:

  Like the old adage, "Love is blind", in many cases, so are we. It can be a helpful defense in situations where you learn how to "overlook" faults in family and friends. In that case, you usually are aware of your actions which is fine. We all have flaws and faults and if we expect our loved ones not to have them we will be sorely disappointed and we will become quite disagreeable.

  Then there are the faults we really don't see. Someone conning us. We want so much to believe what that person is selling us, that, well, we do.

   We also con ourselves. It's so much more fun being blind to our own shit. If we don't see it, we don't have to take responsibility for it and then can go along our merry way, blaming anyone, anything, everyone and everything but ourselves. It may work, but you may find yourself to be rather unhappy, and if not alone, at least in rather contentious relationships. If that's what you're used to, that's what you'll find.


   SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
  Every mammal has a scotoma. What's my blind spot that I fill in with my desires rather than the reality? Is it a positive or a negative?
  He loves me. He loves me not.

  It's okay to have a blind spot as long as it isn't too big and doesn't interfere with reality.  Although I could argue that we all create our reality. I'll save that one for another post.



ARE WE CLEAR?

BEST DATE EVER no number necessary because this was one of a kind

  The funny thing is that this was a set up by my ex-friend Dot.  Quite a number of years before our fallout. No person is just one dimensional.  There are the good parts and the bad. Sometimes we can see the imbalance and the good is heavier and accounts for more. And then the scales can change.
 If we can only see one or the other,  we may have a problem.  There is a psychological term for it. It's called splitting. It's as if you can't integrate the both parts into one person, so you see them either all good or all bad. Infatuation does this. When it wears off, you should have a balanced view. If you don't, you and/or your partner will have a rocky road. And not of the Baskin Robbins variety.


BACK TO THE STORY WHICH I DIDN'T ACTUALLY BEGIN YET.

 I think I was around 24. I was living in a studio apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I was working for a dress manufacturer. Dot had given my number to a guy named Fred who lived in my neighborhood.  He was some type of salesman so he traveled around the country frequently. That made getting together a challenge.




I had spoken to him on the phone once and we had a nice conversation but that was it. Okay. That's the way it goes. No big loss. It was nice of Dot to think of me.

This happened a long time back. Maybe a dozen or so years before we had our falling out. We had actually been close. And my mom was too.  Dot had worked with my mom for a year of so when she was out of high school. At 17 she made friends with my mom. Looking at it today, it may have been a sort of replacement of my sister. And Dot's mom was old and Dot being the youngest was saddled with her when her dad died. Families. Families. They make us and break us.


Dot was Italian and had a big family, although they were scattered here and there. Over the years we got to know most of them When there was room at the table, she would invite me and my mom for Christmas dinner and it was always a festive, happy, food and wine fueled occasion.

The year I'm remembering, obviously, we got the call. This is where my memory blurs, but I don't think it will really matter.

I picked up my mom and we drove to Bay Ridge. We were lucky and found a parking spot not too far away. We walked to the building and were greeted in the small apartment by Dot, her mom, a niece or nephew or two. I don't think she had been married and divorced with her baby yet, but if she were, it wouldn't make a difference in the tale.
 She was the baby of her family so her siblings kids were closer to her age than her sibs were to her. That's a reason I can't remember who was who.(at least not now. Then, I knew)  It was warm and crowded and I remember that nice feeling of family. We started drinking and nibbling the antipasto and chatting around.

Some time later, another person showed up. His was introduced as  Renaldo and he was Italian. Short, dark and handsome. And tres chic. I asked Dot what his story was and he was visiting the family bla bla bla. Okay. That's nice.

Renaldo and I  spent most of the evening drinking, eating and chatting. He had a wonderful accent and I was able to understand him, no problem. We got a long really well. Of course we did. He didn't live in America, so why wouldn't we?

It got late, so my mom and I left. I'm sure I would have liked to stay, but what was the point? When we did go out the door, Renaldo kissed my hand. I know. Totally cliché, but at 24, it was quite nice.(at 66 it'd still be nice, maybe. now I'm not so sure. humbug!) He had taken my number but what good would it do? Remember, we girls wanted relationships not one night stands. Or anything long distance.

Hell, back then if you met a person in Manhattan, and you lived in Brooklyn and he lived in Queens, you were considered GU..  Geographically Undesirable.  Ha on all you young people who think you invented initials.

After a few days, I got a call from Renaldo. I'm happy, but sad. We're talking and he suddenly starts to laugh. Big laughing. At what, I am clueless. Suddenly he blurts out, "it's me, Fred".  No accent. Shock. I'm trying to grasp what's going on. I actually had to ask because I was so flummoxed.


He told me that he and Dot decided that we should meet, but not on a blind date. Instead. since he was good with accents, he'd meet me under false pretenses and see if we clicked. It really was clever.

You may have put it together because if I didn't mention Fred before, it'd be like watching a mystery show and the perp is not someone they've shown or mentioned and you're like, "where the fuck did this come from?  How could they do that?"  I would be especially pissed because I want to figure it out.

Fred, was actually an Egyptian Jew, which may have been one of the reasons he was quite good with accents. I think he spoke three languages.
We dated for a while, but as for why we stopped seeing each other, I have no recollection. I probably wasn't ready for a relationship even though I thought I was.
I certainly wasn't ready for the good ones yet.

THEORY

Why is it bad to have expectations?  Because you create a mindset and set yourself up for disappointment.
Should you have expectations?  Yes, but keep them reasonable and realistic.
But never, ever give up. There's always hope.