WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT INTIMACY, WHY DO THEY THINK ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE REFERRING TO SEX?

Good morning. I hope you all had a nice couple of days. I did which is what brought this topic to mind.

As you know, this is my second marriage. We've been together for 18 years.
My husband has two "children". They were just becoming young adults when we met.

Blended families can be really difficult. Especially when there are young kids involved.  It was easier since the "kids" were still living at school and at home, part time ,with their mom.

Looking back, the thing that made our relationship growth harder was the geographic distance.
It wasn't that far,  but the trips were well over an hour. At least if we went to visit them we could park since they were out near the end of Long Island.

We lived in an apartment in Great Neck where the parking after 4 PM was as bad as Manhattan, except we didn't have parking lots you could pay for.

this was across the street.

I hated to invite people over because after arriving on our block, regardless of the length of your trip, you could drive around nearly as long before finding a spot (that was hopefully legal) and then, have a long walk. So, I thought I was being considerate by not asking.
I never thought that people might think I didn't want them to come around because I didn't care about them. There I'd gone again. Projecting my ideas into the brains of others.

It was also difficult because they were at an age where they were busy enjoying their lives which did not include parental units.

Since I hadn't been lucky enough to have children of my own, I was so happy to have step kids. Whenever we did see them it was always good. I have to say that they accepted me immediately.  His family, is actually pretty terrific. Even his ex-wife. Of course I didn't know that at the time.

Still. I never felt like part of the family. Except for his Mom. I had expected to become intimate with his family,  because, well,  what did I know?

You see, I have problems with intimate relationships. Not the ones you think about right away. Not sex. As a digression, I will say that there are many people who can have really intimate sex instead of a really intimate relationship. But as I always say, that's for another time.  Intimate relationships with friends, family and you know, other human beings.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY "INTIMATE'?

Webster starts with the words fundamental and essential.  Next is, most private and personal.  Having sexual relations is 6th on the list.

I see intimacy as being able to have close, loving relationships with people who are important to me. As I, am hopefully important to them as well. I don't see intimacy as being one sided. It still takes two.
However, I don't actually know what that is. As in, huh ? How do you show your love? Do you tell the person everything you think and feel?  How much time do you need to spend together? How often do you need to talk? I know. It sounds but ridiculous, but then, that is my name.

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS AN ISSUE?

If you've been following along, my upbringing was middle class and not with people who were easily capable if intimacy. Not that I think there is any relationship between class and intimacy.

Whatever closeness we had was the unhealthy kind. My mother was well meaning. Of course it took years of therapy and a 12 step program for me to get there, but I did. That's what matters. (To know that she was well meaning and not just some mean bitch who didn't want me to be happy)
She was very codependent. She wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and that was very invasive. So, I became rather evasive. She did share some of her intimacies with me. Unfortunately, the things she told me, I did not want to know and surely did not need to know.



My dad has his issues as well. Codependence, of course. Is it possible to have one codependent person in a relationship? But his brand of dependency was very different. Home for him was a place, that he didn't spend a whole lot of time. He needed to know it was there and my mom was the anchor. Of course he saw it as an anchor around his neck, even though he had created it. And, although he was out a lot, he was home just enough to make me fearful and untrusting of men.



And of course, my older sister and I were so different and young. So when she up and died it was like I had been given the trifecta nuclear family.

What had I learned about intimate relationships?

1. If you got close to someone, they want to know all your business.
2. If you got close to someone, you couldn't trust them with your feelings or your business. They'd use it against you.
3. If you got close to someone, they  would abandon you; whether by death or desertion, betrayal, it didn't matter. You'd be alone.

 And so, I hobbled my way through my early years. Making poor choices. And making intimate friends who I would ultimately disappoint, do something stupid and lose the relationship. Again, it would take a long time to realize my part in things. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.


I was the proverbial person who was creating all these self-fulfilling prophecies. I just didn't know it.

I think my solution, when I got older, was to become more selective and less intimate with everyone. And much less dependent.

I usually had one  very good friend with whom I could share my life, but the rest. Well, who needed more?

In my mind, I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I allowed more intimate relationships I would become anxious. Too much for me to handle. 

OR

We get to know each other and if you really know me, you'll run. Or you'll  take advantage of me or expect me to be someone I couldn't be. In any case, I'd be left, so why bother?

WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE:

When you are afraid to make friends, you may have a select one or two. Then you worry. What happens when they go south? Actually, my age that means to Florida, but it didn't have that connotation when I was young. (ha ha)

You believe that it's better to be able to take care of yourself and not need anyone else. You try to be completely self-sufficient. People may think you're aloof, a snob, a shit. You don't look shy, although you probably are because your level of experience in meeting people is limited because you haven't wanted to meet people.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

I know I am not alone. I know that this is a problem for a great number of people. People who believe they want to have intimate relationships, but can't seem to find them. And, yes, they could also be of the romantic kind.

 Intimacy is a tricky lady. You have to know her to be able to relate to her. However, if you never got to know her, you can't figure out how.

When I was 47 and still in single 2, (that's when you've been married once and are single for the second time), I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. Suddenly, life seemed better. I felt "normal".  I won't anxious and crying and I liked me.  At least I thought that was what normal probably felt like. So I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet someone.
And that was when I met my husband. I was still terrified, but I was more terrified of never getting beyond my fear. And so I pushed through it. It hasn't been easy. But it has been worth it.

BACK TO WHERE THIS POST BEGAN -

I thought that it would be easy to develop relationships with my step children.
Like I said, we were always on good terms when we got together and I tried to get closer to them. Of course, my version of closer pushed them away because they weren't ready for me. And, my skills and understanding of the situation were not very good.

And so it has taken many years for me to feel like I have a family.  I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn not to take certain things personally.  I had to learn that with children, it's about them, not me.

I'm still learning. Only I finally feel like I'm  part of the family. I really do love them and feel close to them. My son in law is one of a kind, as is his mom. I love spending time with them and we have great conversations. And also a lot of fun. And the ex has remarried too. My step daughter's mother in law, and mom step-dad live twenty minutes away.  We live over three hours away.  As it was in New York, it has become in Florida. But it's okay. My husband and I are not the kind of people who want to be involved with all the day to day issues. We are happy to be as involved as we like and are here for them when we're needed.

My step son and his wife are still in New York so we don't see them often. It's tough because even if you have a relationship, long distance makes it a lot of work.  And I am not a phone person. I don't know why, but I hate talking on the phone.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when they sent me a happy mother's day text. You can't imagine how wonderful that made me feel.

When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I gave it a lot of thought. When I lived up north, my best friend would always have a cake for me and her kids who were around, would help celebrate.  I missed that.

So, I told him that I wanted to spend it with my family. And that's what we did.
We drove across the state and took them out for dinner and had a roaring good time. We got there early so we could see the grandchildren and the other grandparents baby sat so we could go out. That's all of us pulling together.

the waiter, hubbie, kids and Claudia. I was taking the pic.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You don't have to share your feelings or know everything that's going on in someone's life to have an intimate relationship. You have to have a connection of the heart. You know you're loved by the actions they make and even when they forget to make them.  They know you love them, the same way. You all know that you're there for each other if you're needed.

I don't know if I can branch out with this knowledge to people who aren't family, but I'm getting a bit more understanding of what it means. And I know that although I'm not one of those individuals who have to be with someone all the time, I do need to be with people some of the time.

ME AND MY SWEETHEART Joey

WHY DO POLITICIANS MAKE ME SICK?

I found it interesting that in two of my three text books, there is no mention of politics in the indices. I do recognize that it is a science unto itself. I did take a course in Poli Sci way back in college. Of course I remember my professor. He was relatively young and passionate about the subject and I enjoyed the class.

During my college years and  my early twenties, I was moderately active in the political scene.  Of course those were the years when students in America were being shot, there were riots on campus, and actually all around the country.

I attended demonstrations, worked for mayoral candidates and helped take over an administrator's office after the Kent State Shootings.



Generally, whomever I was backing, lost. That held in many elections as well. It took a long time before someone I voted for actually won.

I don't want to stay I stopped caring. I still care about what happens to my country. Other countries. The poverty, starvation and depravity that seems endemic to our kind.

I began to realize that no matter how much I cared, nor what little I did, things stayed the same. I would say that we helped stop the War in Viet Nam because I believe that possibly, it's unpopularity interfered with some greater scheme and so they decided to end it at the time they did. It didn't matter. It had already destroyed so many lives.

Politics? Politicians? Is there a difference? They represent the same thing. A system designed to allow us to believe we have some say in the governance of our countries. Since I live in the USA, I'll stick with what I know.

Politics is not governance. Governance, I think, is the actual running of the country. That's probably why they call the men in charge of the states, Governors. However, there appears to be a huge disconnect between governing and politicians, who become the government.

Why do they make me sick? That's easy. They lie, they are corrupt and they play us like fiddles. Our two party system has devolved into a terribly divisive institution.  And whoever it is, who actually runs things is laughing at us all.

I've been able to vote since I was 18. Something less than 50 years. I can say that in New York City, the mayor had power to change some aspects of my life. Since I worked for the City, it meant whether or not my pay would go up or stay the same. I also watched as the school system deteriorated over the years and I don't think the mayor was the cause.
      
The long and short of it, is that no matter who ran the country. My life stayed the same. I chose a path, strayed, changed, but still, nothing that I could say made a difference regardless of who the people were running this place.

What has changed, only in that it has gotten worse, is the venom that people spew when talking about politics.

I was at a lunch with some friends this week. One teachers adults English. One of her students asked why we have two years of electioneering. The answer was so the parties could raise money.

Again, when I was young, we had a few months of debates and campaigning and that was it.

Now, it's nearly constant. For money? We have to listen to this bullshit. We have to watch ads on TV for two years so they can raise money to make more ads to tell us how horrible the other candidates are.

I want to keep this short.

hypothesis:
Elections in America are for show. Everything that happens, happens behind a curtain where the Wizard of Oz is pulling the strings and projecting his magic.
The people, have been taught from an early age that our country is different. That we have the privilege to vote. That anyone can grow up to be president.
I believe that the people in charge, set us against each other in order to deflect the attention from them. Of course, we don't know who they are. That's part of the dilemma. People believe that their vote counts. If that were true, how is it that the people we are voting for are not the people that we want to be running?  The game is rigged.

CONCLUSION:
You can have as many debates as you want. You can actually believe you have a choice in who to elect. You do. Two people are "selected' and that's your choice. Do we actually have a say in any of it? I think not. Not anymore.
Any large country will need delegates. Everyone is corruptible. So, if you want to waste your energy and hate the people who don't like your candidate, go right ahead. Hate Obama. Hate Clinton. Hate anyone you want.  But think about it. For most of us, has it made a difference in our lives? The difference came from economics and it was the bankers who bought the politicians so that we could lose our houses and not have jobs.

So, fight amongst yourselves if it makes you feel better. It just makes me sick. We should be embracing each other as "fellow Americans" and not see each other as the enemy because that is exactly what the politicians want. And they always get what they want. We, on the other hand, will always get screwed.  And not in an enjoyable way.

 

I'M SO OBSESSED ABOUT BEING OBSESSED THAT EVEN MY OBSESSION IS AN OBSESSION OR "OH NO. WHAT NOW?"

I am a person who is familiar with obsessions. I am not some one with obsessive compulsive disorder. I just have some of the traits that one might find with one who can go overboard on a particular activity, interest or something new.

Like the last post, this is really about personality, behaviors and the variability from person to person.

I remember not that long ago, which for someone my age could be five months or fifteen years, having a discussion about being stalked. I was disappointed that I had never been that cared for. Which of course is nuts because being stalked is dangerous.  I started to think about it, and realized that there had been a brief time in my mid thirties when I was the stalker. Let's not forget about the degrees. I never went to the person's house or followed him outside of work, but none the less, I was obsessed.



It was not long after my divorce and a new male teacher came to our school. Shelley, I'm guessing this is the "poor judgement" you were recently referring to in my youth.

Anyway, I was bitten, smitten and totally gone.  Looking back I cringe at my behavior, but felt powerless at the time. I was unfortunately not very subtle and it was no doubt a juicy topic for gossip. "the psychologist has lost her mind. She follows him around like a puppy". Or something to that effect.

He was 11 years younger and, to my mind quite a hunk. Not too bright, but I do believe he was learning disabled. That in itself is a statement about who is teaching our children, but again, another tale.

My ex had moved on and I was not in a good place. What this teacher represented was the captain of the football team. The guy was out of my league. (at least in my mind, so I never tried). Now, I was feeling more secure. Huh? More experienced?  That is more possibly more accurate. Out of my mind?  The point is that nothing I did was logical or rational.  Or in secret.  Isn't that part of an obsession though?

DEFINITION OF OBSESSION:

According to Webster, an obsession is a noun.

 1. the fact, or state of being obsessed with an idea, desire, emotion, etc.
     OBSSESS
1. To haunt or trouble; besiege the mind. 2. especially to an abnormal degree ;
2. Preoccupy greatly.

That's good. It doesn't sound quite so nuts. But, being a thorough researcher, I have to use another source.

The  psychology text that I have closest at hand, is called Psychology, Making Connections, by Feist and Rosenberg.  Let's see that their clinical two cents adds.

[No surprise. We're back in the disorders chapter.]

"An obsession is an unwanted, thought, word, phrase, or image that persistently and repeatedly come into a person's mind and causes distress.

this is from an old movie. worth watching.

One has to add obsessions twin if we are doing the right thing.

COMPULSION: A repetitive behavior performed in response to uncontrollable urges or according to a ritualistic set of rules.



Okay. For a minute there, I thought I might have had a real problem.

The good news, I think, was that I do not have, nor did I then, OCD. You know the term. Everyone uses it about everyone all the time.

Mostly, they're not right. Gee, I like saying that. That's not to say that I'm right. I'd like to, but that is also not true most of the time. Or at least that's what my husband says.

Off track. Another digression. Personally, I like the scenery off the beaten path. I have to hope you all do too.

So, although I can get "obsessed", I don't have words phrase etc. that persistently come into my mind unbidden. They usually don't cause me distress and I surely do not have rituals or uncontrollable urges. Except when it comes to chocolate.

ARE YOU OBSESSED?
I think most of us have some obsessions. Generally they are harmless. Like collecting Angel Babies, or Lady figurines.  As the Delphic Oracle said, "everything in moderation". In this case it means that your house still has room for you and other things and that you are not in debt or spend every waking hour looking for "the one" that will complete your collection.

Many people have hobbies. It's easy to be obsessed with your hobby. According to Webster's idea.  Although, I'm hoping that you are not haunted by your desire so that it interferes with your functioning.

WHEN HAS YOUR HOBBY CROSSED THE LINE?
Good question, even if I say so myself. Of course this is my opinion, and not psychological gospel. For me, it's when it becomes the ONLY think you think about. And, it begins to interfere with your functioning.

Functioning is a really important aspect of being a person. Trouble with functioning is well, Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with Oh no, my life is falling apart.

It's a hallmark of mental illness when you stop functioning.  Those clever folks even have a scale in their secret handbook called Global Assessment of Functioning. The scoring is similar to most tests. Almost no one gets one hundred and too many people fall below 70. I almost went off on a tangent.


Crossing the line means that you are thinking and probably engaging in behavior that is limiting the time you should be spending on things, like, oh, your making a living. Interacting with family and friends, cleaning your house, your clothes,  showering, shaving and taking care of yourself.



Most people don't get that over the line. They get close. They manage to do what they absolutely must, but every other waking moment is related to the obsession.

For example, they don't call women baseball or football widows for nothing. If you are married to someone with an obsession, you may feel like a piece of the furniture.

Screaming, threatening and filing for divorce do not change the situation. That's when you know it's too late.

ARE ADDICTIONS OBSESSIONS?
Yes.

Surprised you there. That's all I'll say about that.


what do you do if you are obsessed or related to someone who is obsessed?

One thing I've learned is that you can't change anyone else. I mean, I've been trying to change me for half my life and I've only gotten just so far. Changing someone else?  Ain't gonna happen.

The solution is not easy, but in theory, it's simple. Get your own life. I wouldn't suggest getting your own obsession, but finding your own passion, well that works. Leave the poor obsessed person alone. You don't have to leave, you have to adjust your expectations. Don't expect that person to be there for you. Don't expect to head the list of what's important. Joining the obsession is not something I would suggest. If you too have an "addictive" personality, you may find yourself up the same creek, and you will still not be number one.

Expect, that it's your life and you may have to live it like a three year old who sits next to his friend and does parallel play. You can be together. You can be in love. You can do things together, but you will never be as important as the obsession. Unless of course, you ARE the obsession. That may feel wonderful at first, but it gets old quickly. I'd tell you to ask some of the people who were the object of someone's eye, but most likely they are dead.

Wow. I've gone fun circle. Yesterday, my advice was to run. This time, you should run only if you are the obsession. If not, you can stay. or not. The other person may or may not notice.

One last thing. If you've become obsessed about the other person's being obsessed, GET YOUR OWN LIFE!  It's likely you are avoiding your own issues, so get some help, figure out why you'd settle for something like this and Live.

YOU HAVE THIS ONE CHANCE AT LIVING THIS LIFE. WHY WASTE IT OBSESSING ABOUT SOMETHING YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT?  FIND YOUR BLISS. FIND YOUR JOY. IT IS WITHIN YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.