The Psychology of Denial & Rationalization Not a very sexy title, but some important information.

 

I received a comment yesterday, about a past post I’d written about personality traits. The person wanted a follow up because there was so much more to understand and learn.

I don’t know exactly what focus the asker wanted more insight into. Since I already wanted to do a piece on denial I figured why not give it a go. I had tried to write one quite a while back, but I just couldn’t get it the way I wanted, so I gave up.

Here’s to second chances. {And long explanations. It’s who I am and what I do and it’s necessary so that I can explain everything.} Ps. this could be a mechanism called rationalization. That’s where I tell you the reason for something. The reason is true, but, it’s covering for something else that I’m not aware of.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS HEAD THE GROUPING THAT DENIAL IS IN.

 

Threatening situations tend to produce anxiety. This unpleasant state can lead to emotion focused coping that is defensive in nature.   Psychodynamic psychologists have identified various defense strategies that allow us to reduce anxiety caused by stressful situations, or our own shortcomings.  

 

Denial is one of many defense mechanisms that each of us has, but are usually unaware of. So let’s start with some definitions.*

 

DEFENSE MECHANISMS:

Any mental process used to avoid, deny or distort sources of threat or anxiety, especially threats to one’s self-image. Many of these defenses were discovered by Freud who assumed they operate unconsciously. Often they create blind spots in awareness.

 

HAVING DEFENSES IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT HELPS US COPE

Defenses are very important. Who could function while being aware of every awful thing that goes on around us?

As children, we develop coping skills that help us deal with the uncertainties and difficulties in our lives. This is a normal aspect of development. It only becomes problematic when these defenses are taken into adulthood and are no longer necessary and create difficulties.

 

DENIAL:

This is one of the most basic, and earliest defense to develop. It is used to protect oneself from an unpleasant reality by refusing to accept it or believe it. And when it sets in, you cannot perceive it. It’s like a magician waved a magic wand and it disappeared.

The examples the books use, in my opinion, are not helpful enough, because as in the hearing of someone’s death, or getting terrible results back from a medical test, our first reaction is denial. No, that can’t be. However, these usually have to be replaced by reality at some point.

We have all no doubt had an experience with this. The difference here is that we do ultimately have to accept it because it is a tangible reality.

So how do we deal with things that aren’t so tangible? We can deny something for our entire lives. It can be dancing in front of our face and we don’t see it. Other people do, and they may actually tell us whatever it is they see. We, however, don’t believe them.

The easiest example would be a cheating spouse. I’ll mix things up and say it’s the wife. She’s having an affair. Her husband is in denial. He believes that she works late. He believes that she is going on business trips. Other people may see her with another man and even tell her husband. He will make excuses that he believes. He has to. The anxiety and pain that he would deal with if he could admit it to himself are so strong that it is easier and safer to just not see.

It is, in some way like being deaf, dumb and blind to whatever it is your psyche can’t handle.

 

Some parents are abusive to their children. Sometimes they single one out and are great to the rest. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know. I do know that it does occur. Often, the child who is being abused goes into denial. Remember, we develop it to protect the self. The child loves the parents, is dependent on them and cannot allow himself to see the hurtful things they do. This can go on for an entire lifetime. It doesn’t have to stop when the child grows up.

Actually, the child may pick an abusive partner, because this is what they believe “love” is. Friends see the bad behavior and tell you. And you tell them they don’t understand. He loves me. It’s just his way of showing it. What I’ve just described could be called a maladjusted defense. It’s doing more harm than good.

 

I decided I’m going to throw in “rationalization” because I’ve already mentioned it, and two is better than one.

Rationalization is making excuses. It justifies personal actions by giving “rational” explanations, but false reasons for them. Sometimes we are aware of what we are doing. Then it’s more like lying to save our skins.

 

 

We often believe that we are telling the truth. “The paper was due today, but I couldn’t get access to a computer until last night and there was power failure so I don’t have it”.

That all may be true. Except, if the person was assigned the paper three weeks ago, doing it at the last minute is not good management.

 

WHEN GOOD DEFENSES GO BAD.

There are at least a dozen defenses that help us through life. As long as they do the job of protecting us when we need or needed the protection, it’s okay.

The problems happen when they do their jobs to well.

Since pretty much everyone from my family is deceased, it won’t be giving away any secrets to tell my parents story.

My parent’s story:

Mom was an overweight, girl with glasses and buck teeth. Already you have a negative impression of her. She was also very bright and had two younger sisters who teased her mercilessly. I don’t know what other things added to her lack of self-esteem, but those issues happened were fairly early in her life, and the early things usually have the greatest impact. And much to my dismay, are the things we can’t usually remember. That’s WRONG!

She grew up, dieted (always had beautiful hair) and from pictures I’ve seen of her, didn’t look so bad. In her High School Year Book they referred to her as the girl with the Colgate Smile. Both her sisters married before she did, and both married well. An engineer and a psychiatrist. She worked and waited.

Mom finally married at age 28, to a  30 year old, very handsome, divorced man who already had a ten year old daughter. His first marriage was at age 18.

His dad was a tyrant and his mother was chronically depressed. He was also the oldest of three siblings. However, his younger sibs looked up to him. He dropped out of middle school and hitch hiked cross country with a friend instead of going to school. He was bright, but also emotionally damaged.

In any event, if I recall, my mom said she married him because he was the first to ask.  (That may have been true, but he was also handsome and charming which most likely boosted her own esteem.) I’m not saying that she didn’t love him or that he didn’t love her. It was not healthy love.

He chased her for two years before they married. She was a step up for him. Educated and a professional. He was a salesman. Shoes, Chow Mein, whatever.



my mom and dad and grandmother

What was it that my mother wouldn’t see? I’ll stick to the main one. Skirt Chasing. He couldn’t stay faithful to his girlfriends, much less his wife.

And he worked late and played cards and had all kinds of reasons for not being home. And she bought them. She had to. She believed that she couldn’t make it on her own with two kids, so she went into denial.

My sister died when I was 14 and she was 17. The marriage deteriorated after that. My dad’s behavior just kept getting worse. He actually had to not come home twice in one week for my mom to finally confront him. He wanted out but wasn’t man enough to leave.

The rationalization comes later. I had asked why she stayed so long, knowing that she wasn’t happy and with the denial broken, she could say that she knew some of it.

She stayed because of us kids. That’s often true and real.

However, I found out from one of her good friends, that when they were first married, they’d gone away with another couple for the week end. My dad had met another woman, and left my mom with her friends to be with her.

Whoa. No kids yet. What the F---? I never told her I knew. Either she would have denied it, or it would have hurt her, so I let it be. Except for me. I could not understand how anyone would accept that unless they were so damaged that they didn’t know they had a choice. And I guess that’s what she was.

 

SOME CONCLUSIONS:

Defense mechanisms are necessary for survival. They help us cope with the struggles and traumas of life.

There are, however, times when these coping skills hurt us rather than help us. And if you’re the individual with the problem, you won’t be able to see it or hear about it unless or until you are ready.

SOME ADVICE:

I am sure you know people with the kids of issues and problems I’ve describe. Friends who stay with partners who drink too much, spend too much, cheat, lie, whatever it is you see, but somehow they don’t.

Being a good friend, you may have pointed some of this out. If you pushed, you may have lost a friend. Or maybe just irritated them.

The thing is, that we need those defenses to survive, even when they are maladaptive. You can’t strip away a person’s outer shell without leaving them naked. And you do not want to be responsible for leaving a person with their soul naked.

 

So, you may just have to accept the fact that your mother, brother, sister, child or friend is not capable of seeing the things you do. You see them being hurt and you want to help. But you can’t. If you can understand and be there for them, well, that’s great. If what they are doing is hurting you too, the maybe you have to be the one to say adios.

You probably think your “whomever” is really stupid. You can’t understand. And maybe, just maybe, you too are in denial about something and can’t see it at all.

I saw this saying somewhere, and I fell in love with it. And now, of course am not sure exactly how it goes. So this will have to do.  It kind of sums this up nicely.

 

BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET. YOU DON’T KNOW THE BATTLES THEY ARE FIGHTING.

 

                                                            THANKS FOR READING

 

 

SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS

SHORT TERM MEMORY

 

Those of you who have following me for a while, know that my short term memory, well sucks.

 

People and experts wrote that it would return if I did exercises.

Well, it hasn’t returned.

So I went to a store and said, I want my short term memory back.

 

 

They asked me if I had a receipt. I said “no”.

And they told me I was shit out of luck.

 

 

 

 

Fortunately for them, I can’t remember what store it was, or I’d go back and sue.

 

 

That's all Folks

 

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY

 

 

 

AND THANKS FOR READIN

PERSONALITY DISORDERS. WHAT ARE THEY REALLY TALKING ABOUT? And the dangers or pop knowledge.

Good morning everyone. It's a nice sunny day and that always is a nice way to start out.

Not knowing what to write about, I took out one of my psych. texts and looked at the index. (I like doing that with books. I also love to read the bibliography. Does that made me strange?)

I saw a list of personality disorders. I thought, Aha! I went to the chapter and there they were, at the end. This is fitting as in the scheme of things, these are not the kinds of problems you'd prefer, as if you had a choice. Ha!

In defining these particular disorders, the authors mention that a personality consists of an individual's unique, long term behavior patterns. Most of us have personalities. Well, we all do. Sometimes we don't like the other person so we just call them a drip.

They go on to define personality disorders as:

"Maladaptive and inflexible patterns of cognition, emotion, and behavior that generally develop in late childhood or adolescence and continue into adulthood:  they are more stable than clinical disorders such as schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder."  I will add that anxiety and depression are also clinical disorders.

"The distinction between clinical and personality disorders is somewhat arbitrary, however, and many people with personality disorders also suffer from clinical disorders."

The rest of what they wrote is even more technical and unlikely to be helpful.

What the distinction refers to is the availability and likelihood of treatability.

If you have a clinical disorder, there are usually medications, behavioral and cognitive therapies that are helpful in treating and controlling the illness.

People with personality disorders are unlikely candidates for change or help. Oh my. There are people we can't help?  Not us. Not Americans. We can do anything. We can fix anything. Or so be would like you to believe.

There is therefore a really good reason that terms like these not be bandied about by the magazines, papers, TV, and our friends.  You might say that if the public doesn't know the difference, then it doesn't actually matter what terms they use, and I suppose there is an argument for that. The problem happens if a person seeks help for a loved one. One who does have a personality disorder.  As a general rule, The personality disorders never ever come in on their own. They don't have a problem. And what helping hand is likely to say, sorry, we can't help you or the person you're concerned about. How that works out in the world is, yet again, another story for another time.

I also want to point out how difficult actual diagnosis is. The definition mentioned that some people suffer from more than one condition and then, it is not easy to call. That may have been one of the reasons I hated to diagnose anyone when I was in practice. The other was that I didn't take insurance so I didn't have to.

If I had a patient, unless they were blatantly a particular disorder, (like a borderline personality), it didn't matter to me. I tried to look at the person sitting in front of me and work on whatever they gave me.

If you read the literature, I think the average stay with a psychologist was 22 visits. A psychiatrist was shorter, like 9, but that was before they were primarily medicine dispensers.  I just tried to look up these figures since they sound wrong. I couldn't find them. Nothing even close.

Anyway, I had several patients that I saw for several years. Again, I'm not  judging. And as to whether or not someone improved, I wasn't a very good judge of that. Sorry. That's probably not what you all would like to hear. Too many variables and sometimes, they finally "get it" years after you've seen

them.                                                                     

Since I didn't live with my patients I could only infer "progress" from their sessions, what they said was going on in their lives. Since we so often go to therapy to fix the broken pieces of our lives, the therapist never hears about the parts that aren't messed up.

What I looked for was, to see if they seemed to be functioning better outside my office. That might have meant fewer fights with coworkers, staying at their jobs, changing their jobs or making better choices in who they dated. You get it, things like that.

And those things don't happen after 9 or 20 sessions. Not unless you don't really have any problems. 

And oh my. *AD. I haven't used that for some time. Another digression, and a long one it was.  But, I hope it was helpful in some insight into how a non-traditional therapist used to work.

BACK TO DISORDERS:

As was mentioned, personality disorders are at the end of the scale for help.

We used to joke about the difference between neurotic disorders (a term they no longer use) and character disorders (a term they no longer use).

Substitute clinical and personality and you'll get it.

Back to the joke. How do you tell the difference between a clinical disorder and a personality disorder?

The clinical disorder drives themselves crazy. The personality disorder drives everyone around them crazy. A bit facile, but fairly true.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER:

I'd like to use this one as an example. It's the one that is really tossed about these days. Everyone knows someone who is narcissistic. And that's probably true. Whether or not it's a personality disorder, well, there's where the ballgame changes.

Most of us have at least a few narcissistic traits. A trait is just that. An aspect of your personality. It doesn't define you, it's just a part of who you are.  Like

being concerned with your appearance,being self-centered or exuding self-confidence doesn't make you a narcissist. In fact, you should have these traits so that you show that you have self-love. Something we all need, and many do not have enough of. As a matter of fact, these traits make us more attractive to other people.

It's when they are in extreme excess that it problems are created. 

The definition of a N.P.D. is:

  A disorder characterized by having an extremely positive and arrogant self-image and being extraordinarily self-centered. Then it goes on to explain;

   " They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and are grandiose, sometimes to the extent of believing they are "God's gift to humanity"."  As a result, they often make unrealistic and unreasonable demands of others and ignore others' needs or wishes. They may be quite successful and climb the career ladder quickly, but their narcissism often isolates them from others."

                                                                      

That was the nice way of putting it. They can be male or female, but for example, I'll use a male.

Nicole meets Tom.  Tom has an air of self-confidence. Nicole is impressed and starts to fawn over Tom. Tom likes this because he loves when people validate how awesome he is. Tom is nice to Nicole and they start to date.

Tom expects Nicole to worship him. He expects that she will agree with everything he likes and do everything he wants to do. If Nicole is  a little insecure, she may well leave her own opinions and "self" behind. She wants so much to please Tom that she complies with his desires. They fall in love. Well, Nicole falls in thrall, and Tom falls in love with being worshipped.

They marry. The cracks may begin. If Nicole shows any difference of opinion, Tom will become upset. He may withdraw his attention or actually punish her.

And there begins the pattern of the relationship.

Nicole doesn't understand. When she tries to talk to Tom, he tells her its her. He's fine. If she is vulnerable enough, she believes him. Maybe she seeks help.

She tries everything. Nothing works. Tom doesn't change. Maybe he gets worse. Angrier and more punitive.

You may know this couple. You may be this couple. Or at least seem like them.

That's where the self-help troubles come in. You don't know if he's a "real" narcissist or what the problem actually is. And as in all things. There are varying degrees.

THEORY:

Pop culture gives us information that we should take at face value. People tend to believe what they keep hearing and seeing. The tidbits become facts and part of our belief systems.

We are more willing to believe a talking head on TV, than an actual professional.

This is likely because we feel as if we know these people since they are in our homes.

Therefore, when we meet a new person, an actual professional, a therapist of some kind, we tend to want them to verify what we already know. Unless there is an immediate rapport, the new person can be written off and not seen again.

My conclusion is that people want help. They unfortunately have preconceived notions of what it should look like.  If it doesn't fit, they don't want it.

Then, they blame everyone else for their problems and can't understand why things never change.

CONCLUSION:

No one knows everything. That includes experts. However, you ought not believe so much of what you hear and see. Especially if it's in or on the media. Like this. What the hell do I know about you?

So, that being said. Be cautious in what are thrown around as "facts". Be wary of whatever the latest frenzy is.

As for romance. If he's too good to be true. Run. Even if before the engagement or marriage, he is Mr. Perfect. And, especially if he or she denigrates you, hurts you and tells you how much you are loved. Run.

Just like this was what was chasing you.