Mom. Why did she want to be Protestant?

   A little background:

      I was brought up in a mostly Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn. My parents were both atheists so I didn't get much about God, other than He didn't exist. I did get a smattering of Yiddish culture from being around other people.
      We never celebrated any holidays, except for Thanksgiving.  I knew other people were going to sedars and dinners for Jewish New Year,  and fasting on Yom Kippur, but we were never invited to anyone else's' and never had our own.

          Yet, I always knew I was Jewish. I suppose it was just a fact and thought of in no other way.
           An aside. One of my cousins was Baptized although his mom was my mom's sister. I'm not
          sure what he really considered himself and no doubt was brought up in a manner which gave
           him no  schooling on either. He married a Unitarian. They have a daughter who is, as are
          they, extremely bright. When she was four, a girl in her class said, I'm Jewish, what are you? 
          Her  reply was "I'm allergic".  That's about as much culture as we all got.

           My mother had been a victim of anti-Semitism during her early work years. She was an exceptionally bright, artistic and talented woman. She took classes at Columbia and become a draftswoman and worked during WWII.
      She had several jobs during those years. I can only tell the stories as I remember them since everyone who might have known is long since gone. My memory will have to serve.
     I believe one of the places she worked for  was a company called the British Purchasing Agency. I'll look it up later. I'm sure it no longer exists.

      She lied on her application and wrote in Protestant for religion. The Brits are/were quite anti-Semitic. I don't know if they did this with everyone, but they actually sent someone to her house to check on her.  She lived with her mother at the time. Grandma was born in Russia, but when she was fairly young,  her family moved to England on their way to America. Grandma was educated at the Rothschild School for girls. I never noticed it, because she's been here so many years, but she had no accent. Possibly a little British lilt but again, it's too long ago to be sure. My other grandparents spoke like most other Eastern European accents but somehow I never seemed to notice there was a difference.
           Anyhow,
      The company interviewed my Grandmother. Then they called my mother into the personnel office.
They told her that they knew she lied. My grandmother was obviously Italian and my mother, therefore Catholic. Since she was such a valued worker, they would keep her on, but she oughtn't lie.
        I guess Granny looked Italian.

         I believe the next job was at Bell Laboratories which what  it was called back then. They were rabidly anti-Semitic.  There too, my mom was a valued worker. The nicest back handed compliment they gave her, was from the union. She was called in, yet,  again. This time she was told to slow down as she was making the other workers (men) look bad.  Hello. There was a war going on. I still can't get over that bit of insanity.

        The War was ending and the company started to alphabetically fire all the Jews. My mom was certain they wouldn't fire her because of her outstanding work. When they got to the H's, the hatchet fell and she was let go.
       So much for being valued vs. being hated.  Nothing personal of course.

          I don't have a ridiculous theory this time. I believe she didn't like herself and part of that may have stemmed from being Jewish in a country that was predominantly  Christian.  Certainly her work experiences must have tainted her feelings about herself. She considered herself American.  So what made her Jewish? Her surname?  The culture she grew up in?  The society she lived in? 

 
          I think I understand. It's hard to embrace who you are when so many around you hate "you" on principle and don't even know why. Although the United States was referred to as a melting pot, it was still far better to be a WASP, than a immigrant. This is beginning to sound vaguely like some current political issues I've tried to tune out.
        WASPs, the non stinging kind, are very attractive. They have a heritage, pedigrees, privilege and at that time, certainly more money. They were portrayed as very cultured, intellectual, educated and elite. That too is starting to sound familiar.
        In any event. I too, like my mom would like to be seen as intelligent, cultured and pedigreed. She was really. Me, not so much. Yes, I do care what others think of me. I'd like not to, but that takes more courage than I currently have.
     
         However, I've learned not to hide who I am. Quirky, different and Jewish. I am also allergic to many things but I'll save that for another time.

Obessive Complusive Disorder. A brief primer.

       I have symptoms of OCD. This primer will be really short, because it's very late and I have to get up early tomorrow.
       As you may already know, you cannot stop an obsession or a compulsion. That is why I am not going to write this now, because I would be compelled to finish, not get enough sleep and feel like crap tomorrow. I can also see the future.
       Good night. This will be continued as soon as I find a few hours to write it.  See, I'm having trouble stopping. I need help. I'm going to ask my husband to pull me away and turn off the computer. Then, maybe tie me to the bed so I won't be able to come back.  "Hey Honey. HELP"

What is an "I'm sorry" worth?

        I was going to say, I'm sorry, I'm using the dictionary again, but I won't. I'm not sorry because I really don't have every definition of all English words memorized. And I shouldn't be sorry for wanting to be accurate.
     Wow. Webster's defines sorry as:
             1.  Full of sorrow, pity and sympathy.
             2.  Also used in apologizing or in showing mild regret.
      Could they be any further apart? Now I have to look up apology.

               Apology:
                  1. A formal spoken or written defense of some idea, doctrine etc.
                  2. An acknowledgement of some fault, wrong, etc. with and expression of
                      regret.

    I am one of those people who was raised to be polite. That meant saying, please and thank you. Holding doors for people behind you, and of course, saying "I'm sorry" if I had made an error of some sort.

    Also, being raised to believe that everything was my fault, and that I was responsible for it all, I became a chronic apologizer. Until , well, recently.

    It came to my attention that I said "I'm sorry", frequently, but then continued to do the things I was sorry for, repeatedly. Or I would say I was sorry for something over which I had no control.
        
            "I'm sorry you didn't get your package in the mail today"
            "I'm sorry the restaurant is so crowded, noisy, lousy, closed etc."  (only if I chose it)
             To customer service. "I'm sorry I'm yelling at you because I'm angry that I didn't get my
             delivery and I'm not angry at you, so please don't take it personally."

    I'm sure you get the picture. I had a friend, years ago who told me that he was so used to apologizing, that he could walk into a dark room, walk into a chair and apologize to the chair for bumping it.
    
        So. What is it worth when we say we're sorry?  According to me, not much. I've learned that if I did actually have control over what I did, and there are times I do, that saying I'm sorry doesn't cut it.
       What I need to do is change the behavior. Then, I won't need to say I'm sorry and the other person/persons won't feel I'm lying. Which I'm not, at least, not when I say it.
      
        Why do people apologize? Theory. We've been taught to be polite. We don't want to hurt someone's feelings. (read that as we don't want someone not to like us).  We don't want to get hit, yelled at, blamed etc.
     I suppose in some way it's a self-defense move that will hopefully keep the "other" from either thinking, or doing bad, back to us. So, it is really a very selfish thing to do. 

        A couple of days ago my husband quoted Egret, a character from the Game of Thrones series. The girl who loved John Snow. She said and this isn't exact, "Words. All words are is air".

        So an apology without change, is just air. We do it so often that it has lost any meaning.
I know a few people who never say they are sorry. If an "I'm sorry" came from one of them, It would be an  honor to hear it. 
         But I won't hold my breath because they don't say it for a reason.

        As for the rest of us, myself included,  we say it way too often. Really, it's become an excuse for behaving badly; expressing feeling bad for someone else, even if you had nothing to do with it, even it you mean it, is just air.  Expressing that you're sorry for doing something to someone else, even if you mean it, is also just air. Try behaving better. That's the real apology.

        And so, I have decided that I will no longer apologize to anyone for anything. I'm sorry.

The new news on the new Benifer

       Why does everyone care about Ben Affleck and his wife Jennifer?  Or ex-wife? Or if he has or doesn't have a young mistress?
        I don't want to know what's going on in the real world because the wars, the hideous things people do to one another make me ill,
        So, my opening page on-line is entertainment. Not serious, at least not to me. Most of the people they talk about I don't even know because I stopped giving up knowing that when I lost touch with my youth. Or maybe it was when I stopped pretending I was still young.
         Anyhow, I can't help but noticing all of this constant attention on this couple. How come they rate and other probably divorced people don't?
         I don't have the energy to make up a theory. You can if you want. I just wish they'd leave them and therefore me, alone.

Exercises in Futility - Appparently my favorite kind of exercise.

     Exercise isn't always physical. I generally think of it that way, mostly because I seem to think it's my least favorites type of exercise.  

     It can be:
         Performance of duties.
         Active use or operation.
         Activity for training or developing the body or mind; especially body exertion
         especially  for the sake of health.  (yeah I want flat abs so I look healthy).
         A problem or task to be worked out to develop some technical skill.
         To exert or have influence.

     Futile is defined as:
         Serving no useful purpose. Useless.

     I'm glad that was short and straight to the point.

     I wonder who put those two words together. They make a great team. Now that I'm thinking about it, it sounds very much like the common definition of crazy.  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

     In any event, I was getting frustrated since I've been trying to redo my office for 6 weeks and things have not been going smoothly. Mind you, the only actual physical work was having the room painted. It's not like I have a contractor and I'm changing walls and redoing the wiring.  Although I am thinking about putting in some overhead lights over the desks. Ah. Desks.
    A year ago I saw a desk on line that I fell in love with.  It's an old fashioned, tall architects desk.

This was what the room looked like when the desk arrived. We opened it and it was damaged.

That's it. I ordered it on /8/25. It got here on 9/4 and was picked up on 9/22.   In the meantime, I have ordered it from the same company, 4 times. At least so far I've only had to pay once.

      You may ask "why"?  If you have had experience with customer service, and I hate to say it, but these were all Americans from the Midwest, you don't need an answer.
       The room is being built around the desk. It is the last piece of furniture I will get, though it was the first I ordered. Two bookcase/cabinets were ordered. The first, they let me know after four days that it was discontinued and not in stock. Find another one. I did. That too was not in stock and maybe being discontinued. They didn't tell me. When I checked my account, it was pending shipping. Forever. So I called. Then I found out. Actually, it was the wrong color, but they managed to find the last one and put it in the shipment with the desk. I cancelled the cabinet because it was the wrong color, so they cancelled the desk because it was the wrong color. Again. I wasn't told.
   
   This is when I believe I realized that I was engaged in an exercise in futility. Hours on the phone. Emails to the supplier, seller and shipper, and still, no desk.
    Yet I persist. I now have dates for the three things I have ordered and am basically terrified. I don't want to put those vibes out because I believe you get what you send out. So, I'm praying that they all arrive undamaged.

  This was not going to be about this particular problem. I have engaged in many exercises in futility during the course of my life.
   When I was younger, it was trying to get the guy who didn't want me. I think that it brave to admit.

    So, is there a way to know before you start something that it is in fact, an exercise in futility? I believe so. You can ask yourself if this feels familiar. It can be something totally different in its action, but does the feeling feel comfortable? Ask about your expectations? Do you really think the outcome will be what you are expecting? Or is the outcome something you are hoping for?  There is a difference.

    I must be getting something from it if I keep doing it over and over. Do I really want to get this? Do I really deserve this?
    Theory. We do these things because we haven't broken an old pattern. Usually it's not a healthy one, but that never stopped us before.  As kids, lots of our exercises were futile. We were little and our parents dictated the outcome. We may have taken this in to mean that we weren't good enough to get what we wanted or our parents may have flat out said so. And we believed them. And somewhere deep inside, still do.
  
    Want to break the pattern?  Tell those old voices in your head (if you are hearing real voices seek psychiatric help asap) that they are wrong. You deserve to have your exercises or endeavors turn out well. The only thing that is futile is not changing what you can.




    And when all the furniture has arrived, and the room is set up. I'll blog a picture of it so we can all see that it was only an old pattern that brought up the thought, and it was wrong.

 

P.S.

 

thanks for caring and sharing this with others. I have to remember that things do work out. As you can see, I got the desk and the other things I wanted. I believe that the Universe gave me a gift for my trouble.

Notice the bookshelves?  Same maker, different supplier. First one came in damaged. This was at least usable until they could get me a new one. The maker never contacted me and I'm sure that it would have been more costly to ship it back cross country, so guess what. I now have two, which I couldn't have afforded but look how great they look.

 

New theory: Don't get yourself crazy, if you can stop those feelings, do. Things work out and the old crisis blends into the new one. It's your choice to decide whether or not your need crises in your lives.

I'm thinking you don't, 

Selective Hearing. If we heard it, how do we select not to hear it?

   I think that everyone can relate to this problem. Of course, couples would be the first to jump in and complain. However, children and coworkers are also afflicted with this disease.
    Selective means having the power to select. The example the dictionary gives is perfect.  "Radio, tending to select a specific station".
   According to one of my Psychology textbooks, Attention is selective. And also shiftable. We do receive many perceptions at once, and we do truly have to filter things out or we would be unable to  do anything because we would be bombarded by all our senses at once. It's good thing our brains know how to work this shit so we can focus on what we want. Or sometimes, when we don't have a choice, what's in front of us.
   So, why, when we are communicating with our spouses, do they not hear all the words? How do they manage to select out the ones that would make what you said, not insulting or commanding or mean? Yesterday my husband asked me to get him information from my gym. I said, I would, but they wouldn't have any because they make you come in so they can force you to sign up. If you read something you'd go, ah, maybe tomorrow. What did he hear? Not the "I would", but all that followed it. I heard in his voice, a response of , yeah, go f---- yourself. Not wanting to leave on that note I asked what was wrong which was good. He didn't hear that I would, so he was pissed at me for not doing something he asked.  By the way, I asked and was sent to the sales director who didn't have anything because they are always having specials. Had I not already had a huge problem with signing up, not gonna go into that now, I might have asked if they were taking out the pool, or replacing the machines or adding a gift shop or any other structural changes that would make a brochure out of date. But I didn't.  He doesn't' know how lucky (happy) he was.
   Our communications skills suck.  Maybe they always did and always will, but what part of our brain selects out the good part and leaves in the bad? It rarely works the other way around. Like your wife says you need a haircut because you look like Einstein and he hears you complementing him as being as smart as Einstein?
   As often as you will see, I will go back to our Paleolithic DNA. Everything was dangerous when our human lives began. We had to feel, sense, hear and see anything that might be a threat to or survival. So, fast forward and our ears are on the look out for something threatening. Will be ever catch up? I don't think so. If it did, I've have nothing to think or write about.

Why do people want you to be happy?

    I may be one of few, but I don't like the word happy. Look it up. "favored by circumstance" lucky" having, showing, causing a feeling of pleasure "suitable and clever".  Or at least according to a Concise edition of Webster's Dictionary, these are some of the meanings.
   So, when someone wishes me a happy birthday, are they hoping it is suitable and clever? I guess you'll all go with the feeling of pleasure definition. That sounds good.
   How often do you experience a feeling of pleasure? Or any of these on a continuous basis? Unless you're often drunk and/or on drugs, probably not often.
    So why is it that so many people ask you if you're happy? If I said, well maybe for a few minutes this morning when the scale was kind. Or maybe when I found that item I coveted on clearance.
    Because no one actually understands what it is the word means. Okay. That's mean and pejorative.  I just looked that last one up. I can't spell and since I'm talking about meaning, I wanted to be sure.
   I think, we are just creatures of habit, spewing out whatever we have learned over our lifetime. It's the same as the polite greeting we ask of our friends, "how are you?" praying they don't actually tell us because we have things to do and places to go, and let's face it, we don't always care.
  So, my theory becomes, being polite and using social graces is outdated and false but habitual. And like many habits. I should be broken.

Do I look fat in these pants, or why does your friend/spouse as you questions.

    Mostly, I like to shop alone. I have learned over the years that if I shop with other people, I end up buying things I don't often wear. Read that as  wearing other peoples tastes.
    The experience of going with a friend is fun but the outcome, not always so good.
    Let's talk about taste. The kind you have in your likes and dislikes part of your brain. Or where ever it's stored. (In some people it seems to be in their asses.)
    However, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I have a certain type of taste and it's often very different from the people I know. Does that make mine bad and theirs good? No. It's a matter of taste.  Everyone is supposed to knows that, right?
     So, why when we go shopping, does my friend or spouse ask my opinion on an item they like?  Etiquette demands lying. Something I don't like to do.
     Years ago I had a friend who would ask back, "do you like it"?  That was code for she didn't like my haircut or my shoes or whatever else. I understood and we all saved face.
     I try that but it's not so successful. She must have had a better delivery or I have more demanding friends.
      After spending my youth not saying how I felt, but I've stopped that.  I will say some different things. Often with, you know our tastes are different so don't go by me. Or, if I think it's unflattering I say so. If I like something I say that too. The good news is, that most of my friends who are older, like me, don't usually listen anyway.  If they like it they get it, if they don't, they don't.
      So, why bother asking? Are they being polite? I think not. Maybe it stems from wanting a bond with the other person, and if they agree,  they feel closer.  Or maybe many people are insecure and really want someone else's opinion. Or confirmation that they're okay.

People who shop in thrift stores

  I donate a lot of my things to local charity shops, although they are really nationwide.  The only part that's relevant is I also sometimes shop in them.
  So far, I haven't bought back anything I gave away. I've met people I know in these shops and they are as well heeled as I am.
   I thought thrift shops were for poor people. Why do I see so many people who don't need to shop there? ( I know it doesn't matter because the money goes to the charity, but still).
   All the people with money are buying the nice things meant for people with less money. Oh no. That's almost like the banks who I hate. Am I doing the same thing?
   People in America like a bargain. That's why we go and buy used clothes? To replace the ones we gave away after wearing twice? I know I'm supposed to have a theory so I'll make one up.
    People are stupid. Well, I can't take credit for that. Women like to shop even if it's not something shiny. Read my prior post.
    We must still be gathering things. At least those of us who donate aren't hoarders. So that's a good thing. Right?

America is upside down

    Why is it that if you have a bank account and you can't afford the amount of money they want you to have, you have to pay fees.
      If you have a bank account or several, you don't have to pay fees. They upgrade you and give you perks.
     So, the people who have money get things they could pay for, and the people without money have to pay with the money they don't have.
     This sounds ridiculous to me. In most places they make you pay for service. Why not in a bank?
If I don't have money, I won't go into your store so you  don't have to  tell me I can't afford to pay for whatever it is you show me. I'm being polite.
     The government tells us we need to save money. Everyone says that you need a bank account to have credit.
     This is very confusing. I'm going to take a nap.

Why do women try to look sexy even though they don't want to have sex?

  I don't want to be a male bashed. I'll try to be even handed, but I am a woman so my thinking is skewed.
   Men and women seem to complain a lot about how women (especially married ones) aren't so into sex. At least after the blush is off the rose. So, if we don't really want to have sex, why do we put on makeup, have our hair done and wear skimpy clothes and high heels?
   Could looking nice and looking sexy have gotten mixed up? Although I can attest to wearing sweatpants, no makeup and a leg cast that didn't signal sex in my mind. My partner thought otherwise, but that may require another theory.
    I'm not saying that women don't want sex or like it. Maybe it's just married sex, or boring sex. See, there I go, not taking the male point of view.
    Women are guilty of false advertising and at the moment I can't think of a theory, even a ludicrous one. So.
     Please feel free to answer that one for me. I'm stuck.

Why are women so into jewelry?

    I believe it's in our DNA. When homo erectus (that looks wrong and why did they use those words? I'll have to think on that for later) began, then males were the hunters and the women were the gatherers. This isn't theory. Men developed skills that would help them survive and passed them down if you believe in the survival of the fittest theory. I believe it.
   So, we women are gathering stuff. Herbs? Babies who wandered off? Flowers? What did we need that was shiny? Jewelry is very shiny. I can't pass by shiny things. Even when I have a house full of them and don't need another thing.
    Was it water reflecting the sun? Or maybe mica or a glassy type rock that the men could use for a weapon. I don't know. I don't remember that far back.
     What I do know, is that even though our brains have allegedly evolved and we no longer need to respond to the survival signals, they haven't died off.
       Maybe sometime later it became a sign of riches but I'm sure it didn't start out that way. I think when we see something shiny we stop because we expect to find water.
       Well, I suppose water has always been precious, so maybe it's not so different after all.

Why women need hip and knee replacements more than men.

         

I've read what the experts tell you. That women are more prone to arthritis and osteoporosis.
I don't buy it. As many things do, it comes down to sex.
     Think about it. Men are usually larger and heavier than women. So, in the missionary position our hips take quite a pounding. Actually, in most positions they do. I'll let you ponder about the knees.
      Why isn't someone researching this? Why? Because most research is still done by men.