WHY WON'T I DO WHAT I KNOW IS GOOD FOR ME?

* (AD)  When you see this in the text, it refers to "another digression." It sounds better than going off on another tangent but is the same thing.
Kinda.

 

     This question was on my mind yesterday morning. I was going to an appointment, after which I didn't have anything scheduled. So, I dressed in my work out clothes, so I would hopefully go to the gym. (I did)

 

  Before I left home, I asked my husband what he thought, not about the work out, the question.  His answer was really good so I wrote it on a piece of paper. Or course I can't find it now, and he's not home. It was about feeing good rather than being good or doing right.

 

   What he said  made sense.(What I wrote probably doesn't) But, who doesn't like to feel good? Well, at least in the moment. Unfortunately, you may not see or feel the consequences immediately, like clogging your arteries, or dumping sugar in your blood like you would a cup of coffee or inhaling smoke into your lungs.  All you know is that it feels good right now.

 

  Weight is a little easier to see, if you want to. First you need a scale, then you need to use it. I do both because this is one of my crazy areas. I get very upset when I gain weight. However, I adamantly refuse to give up chocolate. So, since something had to go, it was mostly real food. I am not holding myself up as a good example. Just an example.

 

  (Possibly *AD ) I was diagnosed with early on-set osteoporosis, even though I was on  medications for several years to prevent it. [A bad thought would be, "yay. lucky me".] It took a while to sink in, but five years ago I got worried enough to do something. I found a plastic surgeon who treated people with  bioidentical hormones and for four years I went every four or so months. Don't tell anyone, one of  the reasons was mostly to avoid exercising because it was easier. Although the prescription for healthier bones is to do weight bearing exercise, I hadn't.  Very logical and rational thinking. Fortunately,  the treatment brought up my bone mass  to good old osteopenia. I  actually had a good result. Then I stopped taking the hormones for several reasons which aren't relevant. What is relevant  was the question, "What do I do now?"

 

   The answer was join a fitness center and do weight bearing exercises. The trouble with attempting to outrun your problems is that they catch up, then pin you up against a wall. I'm old enough to know that, and stubborn enough to keep running. If that kind of running burned calories and gave us muscles, this post might not be necessary. Hah!

 

   The question of why I won't change my diet or my lifestyle is not a new one. I've been struggling with it since my sister died and I used food to comfort me. My boyfriend at the time told me I was fat and watched my food intake. Yeah. The good times.

 Nearly everyone I know has some issue or other that needs to be addressed by a change in behavior.

So.

 

 

         Is there something really wrong with us? Or at least many of us? Even people who appear to live healthy life styles often have secret vices which may be even more harmful than the ones those of us can openly admit to, or can plainly be seen.

What about the friends we have. You know the ones. Maybe it's you. You ignore  pain, hoping it will go away. You hate the dentist so you don't go for years. You go to the doctor but don't fill the prescription because it's too expensive. You went outside with a wet head and caught a cold?  Okay. That one isn't true. Just something someone's mother made up to keep her child from leaving the nest
  Anyway. There are so many different ways to not do what we should. Some are trivial, others are life threatening. I wondered, what the hell is wrong with us? People with cancer go through the most God awful treatment and pray it works. They bargain with God so it won't come back.
And the survivors, often go back to the behaviors that may have contributed. Like smoking. Same for people with heart disease. It's so hard to change your diet. I already told you about me. So don't think I'm throwing stones or judging. I'm not. I'm trying to understand so I can do better.

That was the question. It was time to find the answer. I believe there is one.

 

Time to do some research. Thank God it wasn't real research, because I hated doing that.

                              * (AD) When I was in graduate school we had very few computers. Not everyone had one at home. it was before Windows (the computer type, not the ones you stare out of when you're bored. Although there were no windows to look out of in the stacks of the library so you made sure you didn't get bored)  and for sure, we had no internet.
 

I do not want to go on about how many hours I had to spend at actual libraries, on weekends, photocopying articles to take home so I could write papers, or theses or whatever.
Then of course when I had to do my own research project for my doctorate.........well, that was a new fresh hell and I do not want to think about it.
 

 

So, I went online and looked it up. Here's what I found.

1. The first order of business for me, was of course looking for the psychological reason, which I know to be called resistance.  This was defined by Wiki as:                                  phenomenon  often encountered in clinical practice in which patients either directly or indirectly oppose changing their behaviors or refuse to discuss, remember or think about presumably clinically relevant experiences.   The word presumably is there because most current theorists don't like Freud and this way they aren't actually giving what he said credence. That's biased and if I had the time and energy I would go on Wiki and dispute it. *(ad)   A hypothetical  example might be a woman who goes into therapy because she has all kinds of sexual issues, but won't talk about her childhood or her sexual experiences. Duh?
2. The theory of Dr. G. (that would be me) on first blush, and little thinking was fear. Fear is behind many of the things we do or don't do, so it should play a role. Fear has a tendency to shadow you, so when you turn around to look for it, you can't see it. And from what science has taught us, just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Germs, atoms, ghosts.  You do feel it, although it can disguise itself like the great shape shifter it is.
3. Then I found an online article titled, "Why don't we do what we know we "'Should'"?  by Anyaa H'redulla. She  posited the question, gave examples and went on to her theory.I will save them, for suspense, until the answer is revealed.
4. The next article had practically the same title with only one difference. It used  the singular rather than plural. He used "we" and she used "I".  This article was featured in The Second Edition of Carnival of Improving Life.  It  gave examples of things we don't change, like procrastinating, (I forgot because I usually don't) and not willing to give up things you really liked or wanted. You know, spending money, going on vacations or eating out.  The kicker as he saw it, was that even if the behavior  interfered with their goal and even if the person was really invested in achieving that goal, they still couldn't do what they should or could. Quit your job to start the business you've always wanted means giving up shopping. The woman wouldn't do it.{ For me, if I had quit my job, it would have meant giving up eating, not just eating out, shopping and paying rent.  Sound like a good idea to you either?}  Anyhoo.

             

    So far, I don't think you have heard much that is new. And possibly won't read (I changed that from hear because in my head it's a conversation)
anything earthshattering for a while. I do believe you will. I won't promise that because I don't make promises I can't keep.


Here are some of the reasons that were given for why we don't do what we know we should.


 

When we fail to do the things we believe we should, we end up feeling guilty and this erodes our self esteem and our confidence. The author asked "why"?
She believed it was her ego that was responsible for keeping her "small" and had in fact been finding ways to feel bad about herself for years. She then talks about reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and realized that she had identified with being a failure and not changing was simply her ego's way of maintaining a status quo.
*AD  It was a author and what she is saying is  for some, accurate.
As per Tolle, the ego wants to be right no matter what. It's only job is to maintain its identity and survive. This keeps us from our spiritual self and allows us to maintain this false identity no matter what.
To combat this, one must be aware of the times when you are not living in the present; when you are fighting to be right; when you feel guilty; when you feel less than or depressed.

So put on your boots and kick the past and future goodbye.
 
   I have tried to live in the present. I believe with all my heart that what is being said it true. However, I must have a very weak will and a strong ego, because whenever I feel I'm getting out, it always manages to pull me back in. Thank you Al Pacino.
I don't know anyone who is capable of this. Maybe for a couple of minutes here and there, but on the whole, it really doesn't work. In fact, when you can't do it, your ego makes you feel even worse since you've been given the key and don't use it. Just what I needed. My ego thumbing its nose at me.

Where does that leave us?

The next article mentioned motivation. Maybe you don't really want it that bad?
He,  thinks that you may not want yourself to succeed because you don't desire it badly enough. Hmm.  When I  read that, I read deserve, rather than desire. That tells you a bit about me and my way of looking at things.
Getting back to this guy, he quotes his mom telling him " Don't be TOO comfortable, otherwise, you stop advancing". 

I just had the image of his mom  and him, when he was a baby. She, leaving him in a dirty diaper so he wouldn't get comfortable and would learn how to change it himself.  My bad.

The rest goes on about leaving our comfort zone. I can agree that many of us don't like to do that.

However, we all have to.

It becomes a matter of just how uncomfortable we don't like to get. That would be different for everyone.

 

He also mentions my friend fear. He believes that the fear of change and being stuck in a routine, can destroy your motivation to move ahead. (I don't agree with this part).

   It can also be like stepping into the unknown and we naturally dislike this. This, I do agree with.

Most species are uncomfortable with the unknown. With good reason. It could be dangerous. That's why we have brains that are supposed to be able to do risk assessment and figure out if it is or isn't safe.  Those of us with fears that are out of proportion and can  recognize this,  realize there is a problem.

If you're not too afraid  of what you'll fine, you seek outside help. If you are, you may read books instead. I guess it's kind of like being hungry, not wanting to cook, and not wanting to go out because  blah blah blah  excuse you have; so you order in Chinese.

 

His two favorite sayings are "Do what you fear and you control your fear" and
"The pain of change is forgotten once the benefits of that change are realized". 

 I guess that's why some women have two kids and some only have one.
He says to fear nothing. Face it and the fear will dissipate.
I'm imagining standing face to face with a huge, black Grizzly bear. My fear has dissipated along with my body that has been mangled and eaten by the bear. 

I fear the gym. I see myself standing in front of it facing my fear. I walk in the doors and see machines that look like torture devices and I fear hurting myself because I don't know how to use them. No good? I fear myself growing old with hunched shoulders and neck and I am going to the gym because I don't want that. That's working for me now.
How long will I be able to stay motivated? Only time will tell and it may be a daily struggle.

So, what then is the reason?  If there is in fact one. There may be many and more important. How do we overcome and change? In some sense it doesn't matter what the cause is  since if we can find a way to do something to change, who cares where it came from?
Well, me. Which is good because it lead to an answer.

I asked the smartest psychologist I know. No, that is definitely not me. Also, it's like the saying that the lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a lawyer. 
 Also, I got a very interesting answer and what seems like a recipe  to combat self defeat. Even if everything that I just wrote is true, how does that help us to change?

Here is some information that leads to a way to change.

Did you know that our brains are programmed to function to keep the status quo? I didn't think  that.  Brains are supposed to be pliable and always learning. I believe that is true but it is also true that but the brain is always busy.

 Even if you don't have ADHD. Without your being aware, it's regulating your breathing, you blood pressure, your heart rate, your eyesight, hearing and well, you get the idea. Oh yeah, your thinking and feeling as well.
 You better pray it's at least as good as the anesthesiologist who's monitoring all your body's activity during that surgery you didn't think you'd ever need. If he or she spaces out for a moment or two you could be getting paddled, and not the good kind. That's a joke, I don't think there is a good kind of paddling although EL James would disagree.
 The brain is just like me. It doesn't want any more assignments. It's like, "what? my plate is already full and you want to give me something different? No fricking way! 

Then vs. Now

When we are little, things are different. The brain is still always monitoring our body functions.
*(AD) ( I have been writing this for days, so I'm not stopping to look up anything, but it may start monitoring functions in-utero when it has developed sufficiently. )

 Infants are programmed to learn. Actually,
 child development seems to be on a,flexible schedule but with a particular sequence, since all babies and children develop similarly . Remember  all those developmental milestones we either learned about or watched our children go through.

Wasn't it fun when they repeated exactly what we said? Especially the curse words. And when we voiced our displeasure, they repeated that too. In order to shape them into good citizens we told them not to do a lot of things. And if we were angry, we may not have said it in the kindest way. You know, like " Stop being so stupid. If you don't (fill in the blank) ___
you'll never amount to anything or no one will ever love you". If you were lucky, your parents balanced the words and gave you sufficient self esteem and a feeling that you were loved and loveable.

That's important, but in this post I'm focusing on the thought patterns our minds created from listening and internalizing all these words. Not whether or not you had good parents.

An easy way of looking at it is that you were a blank tape and you recorded all these messages. And again, for this post, we're going to focus on the negative ones because they are the ones that get in our way.

The brain runs on autopilot. You don't have to think.  We just accept whatever we hear in our heads and follow accordingly. Why question ourselves? We're always right, no?

We may be right, or we may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. Sorry, the first part of the sentence just flowed into that great Billy Joel song.

When I used to think about going to the gym my brain would automatically say, "I hate the gym". I heard it, and usually would have accepted it, but I knew that my bones would crumble if I didn't go, so why would I tell myself that?  Was it true?  No. I gave it some thought. There are things I enjoy about going to the gym. The parking lot isn't full, it's a little more than five minutes away, so, what was my problem?  Perhaps my brain doesn't like the idea of having to do something else, so the old me, who didn't like going to the gym 30 years ago, throws that old message in my face and I believe it. Until I decide I won't.

And that's what one has to do to change. Huh? We have to tape over the old words with new ones. Ones that meet who we are now, as grown ups.

You can let your thoughts control you, or you can control your thoughts. No, it's not easy and it won't happen over night, but it will happen.

Your brain wants you to be safe. It learned what safe was for a four year old. Thoughts like, I can't do that, I might get hurt would be common and could keep you from expanding into who you could be.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

What you need to do is to pay attention. You'll know it when a thought comes through that makes you feel comfortable. Not necessarily good, but comfortable. There is a difference.

I'm trying to think of an example. Other than exercise. Let's see. Thanksgiving dinner. Eating that delicious meal feels so good. It tastes so good and all your favorites are there. After a while, even though it may still taste good, you notice you are starting to feel uncomfortable. Maybe a little stuffed? Maybe you need to unbutton your pants? What are you thinking?
You probably have no idea. You're in a food coma. Or that's what you tell yourself.  Or it could be, like I'll go on a diet tomorrow. When will I get to do this again? Keep eating. OR- Oh My God. I'm going to throw up. Why did I do this? I do this all the time and I don't stop? What's wrong with me?  I'm a fat pig and I never learn.

Those are the tapes you had installed. Do you want to think you're a pig who will never learn? Well that tape will loop and loop until you stop it. You are asking,  HOW?

When you hear it playing you stop it. You replace it with a positive thought. I enjoy eating and I'm glad I know when I've had enough. Whatever works for you.

You don't have to believe. Not yet. If you repeat it enough, you'll believe it, and you'll become it. Your brain will learn when you've had enough and will stop taking in more.

I could spend days writing about this in more detail. If I haven' already, I'd lose your attention and then, you wouldn't get it.

Start with one that you can recognize easily. One that you hear in your head often. Just do one. If you overload, you'll lose track and your brain will laugh at you.

You can also create a mantra. Louise Hay,  has written some great books about
self -healing and one of her things is to find a phrase, and say it a few hundred times a day for three days.  If you'd like an all inclusive one to start with, "I love and accept myself exactly as I am" is a good one. It can override a lot of the negativity from the past. Self acceptance leads to less self criticism  and some of the old thoughts get wiped in the process.  And with that, I am done.*(AD) I can't read through this one more time, so please forgive typos and/or stupidity.

The theory of change: Funny, what came to mind immediately was the musical, "Peter Pan".  Remember when Peter came to the Richard's family home and was teaching the children to fly?  "Think happy thoughts" was what Peter told them. And when they did, they flew.

Perhaps that was a metaphor. Think well of yourself and you will be able to soar at whatever you choose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Why I haven't been able to get more posts done, or finish the one I'm working on.

These are a few shots of my house. Only one from outside, but there are reasons I have to leave the house on occasion.

this is the main reason

these are the other reasons

I love decorating. Not just Christmas. When I was a kid I wanted to be an interior designer, Then I found out I would have to learn about fabrics and sewing.

this one needed more light. as usual, I couldn't find the ones I wanted. Why is life so damned complicated. Like, why do I have so many places for photos?

never shoot into the light. except when you have no choice or no time

as you can see, my wealth spillith over.

Denial. I was writing a post and could not get my thoughts together.

  

I spent an entire morning and evening attempting to explain and of course illustrate with fascinating stories, the concept of denial. I had to go into defense mechanisms and somehow, I could not get it together. So I deleted the text. I couldn't delete the pictures, because, well, it's sometimes a pain in the ass to find then post them. So, I shall leave it all to your imagination. Just looking at the pix what do you think I wrote?  



I bet that got your attention.














 

BUT I COULDA MET TOM SELLECK would that have changed what I had done?

 

Commissioner of NYPD   aka Tom Selleck

I shall attempt to make a very long story short. I will also make all conflicts in the middle east disappear.


    Once upon a time, in a galaxy, far, far, away, I started a graduate school program. On the first night I met a woman and we instantly bonded. We were the best, and closest friends for 15 or 16  years.

    At that time I was about to go through a divorce. My new friend was there for me and she helped me through a rough time.

    Although I had parents, I was a kind of adult orphan. Although I had a half sibling, 18 years older than I and some aunts and cousins, none of them lived in the New York area. Nor were they inclined to include me in their life events. Except weddings and funerals. I'm sure you know that drill.

    I've been fortunate throughout my life and have had a few really good friends who would take me into their families for holidays and well, their lives.  Just because.  There are a lot of good people out there and I thank them all from the bottom of my heart. (*a digression  of the lower case kind since it was a little one.)

    For those 16 years I was involved in the life of her family. That included her parents, husband, children, sister and their children. And later, when her kids were grown,with their spouses as well.

    My friend and I had a lot in common. Same profession. A love of collectible vintage housewares, furniture and all kinds of good "stuff".  We loved the arts, and music and films and theater. We loved each other. Even our families of origin were similar, although the outer dysfunctions were not so readily seen.

   Of course, we had some differences as well.  One was tough for her, but I was needy so she did the best she could.  During the beginning of our friendship I would sometimes find it hard to hear about her kids wonderful accomplishments. It wasn't the accomplishments.   It was because I had not so long before found out that I was unable to have children and then came the divorce.  As time went on and my wounds healed,  I was able to not only listen, but to be as proud as she was of their successes. And they were very successful.  As I am doing my best to keep this anonymous, I will only discuss the one son that is central to my tale.

   All her children were brilliant. The certainly had some genetic help, but still, they worked really hard, as did their parents in raising them.

   One son was very creative. His education, talent and experience resulted in his going into the film and TV  industry, working in several areas of creativity and production.

    His career was just beginning when his mom and I had a falling-out. Of the nuclear kind. It may have been inevitable as I have had time to reflect back on the things that lead up to the break up.  In any case, I fucked up, badly. I of course had my reasons, which valid or not, hurt her. And for that I am eternally sorry.

  We made an attempt to patch things up, but it was like a tire that had been blown out one time too many and the patches would no longer hold.  If recollection serves, we met twice and wrote a couple of letters. Things were said. Hurtful on both sides. And that was it.

   As I often did, I shut down my feelings so I wouldn't miss her.  Not long after this loss, I met the man who is now my husband. He never met her, but knows all about her and what happened.  There are many women with the same, pretty, but common name, so now, with my husband, she is referred to as ex-**************.  It's funny because that would almost be how one would refer to an ex spouse.  Unfortunately,  that is where it still stands. No communication at all.


  That was what is known as the Backstory. (at least I think that would be what it's called.)  Still, I wanted to  follow her son's career. Any time I would see his name in the credits I would be ecstatic. I could also follow him online, since that had been invented later, it was easy for me to see how he was doing.  Sort of.

   An now to the title of the tale.  My husband loves Blue Bloods. I like it too and we watch it together. *Another digression. I used to watch Magnum P.I. faithfully because I was a Tom Selleck groupie. Well, would have been a groupie if I were the club joining kind. Also, groupie sounds so much better than had the hots for. him which is more accurate.  We all know I was not alone. So don't you be looking at me like that.

   One of the reasons I enjoy the show, is watching Tom, (I'm not sure I'm spelling his last name correctly, so I'm on a first name basis now).   Even though he has gotten older, (I of course have not) he is looking so distinguished, still handsome, and whatever he had, he still has it. Not that I feel the same way any more. It's more like he's easy on the eyes kind of thing.  What? you think I'm not like the rest of mankind? My eyes may be old, but what they prefer to look at is someone younger. If I were single, I'd be a cougar. Who has lost a few teeth. *AD

   A couple of seasons into the show, we watched the credits, which normally we fast forward through, well, because usually we can. Although, on Blue, they run them slowly while the show is actually on, so you kind of have to see some of them, if you want bother reading.  The first time I screamed for apparently no reason and my husband got scared.  I saw my friend's son's name somewhere in that long line crawling across the bottom of the screen.  I had him rewind so I could check to see if I were hallucinating. I wasn't. Of course not. I don't do drugs. Anymore.

   The following week, he started to fast forward and we had a fight. It happened again the next week. I am now in charge of the clicker when we watch it. First, he couldn't remember, why I wanted to see the beginning credits, nor could he understand why I was so happy to see this name. He and I haven't been in touch in maybe 18 or 19 years. Still, I was always very fond of him. Don't tell his sibs, he was my favorite. He was so easy going and down to earth, and I bet he still is.

    Anyway, his name is  now, always there.  One day it hit me. If not for that fight, and his mom and I were still friends, I probably could have gone to the set and met Tom Selleck. Really, at this point in my life, all I want is to stand next to him and see if I actually feel as tiny as I imagined I would. A handshake would have been nice too.  But, 19 years ago I blew it.


   So, the question, if not theory, is if I had known that this could have been in my future, would I not have done what I did? Happily, the answer is I wouldn't have changed it.
   I screwed up, and if I would have changed it, it would have been to right a wrong, not to meet someone who used to be an idol.

   The theory in back of this is really about what sometimes motivates us. My husband asked if I would try to repair things now, so I could perhaps, not miss out on this opportunity. Hell no. That would be horrible. I don't like to be used, nor do I use people. At least if I'm not in denial about it.  Again. I'll do a piece on denial. Eventually.


    So I ask now, what was my motive in betraying a trust way back when?  I was angry. I knew it, but didn't realize the depth of it. We talked about some of my issues in what was going on, but we couldn't do much about it. You know the saying, it is what is it is? Well, it was what it was.
        I didn't see what I did as a betrayal in the way she did. Perceptions are always key. Looking back,  I think I needed to distance myself from her for reasons that aren't important here.
     
        I didn't know that my actions would result in this awful loss. Of course, if I had lied to her, she wouldn't have known what I said. So, in telling the truth, I lost my best friend.   

       Somehow, in my perception, the truth was supposed to help. Obviously, I was wrong.

   So, Tom, I really woulda liked to meetcha. Of course, now that I live in Florida I would have had to come up to New York for a visit. We all know I would have done that in a heart beat.

From the plane coming into LaGuardia

Escargot poste Doesn't sound as clever as snail mail but it's the same thing.

 

1938, Aunt Edie reading a book. I found this and other great photos my mom left.

        When I was a little girl, our mailman's name was Sam. Damn.  Now I am having to think about where our mail went.  I know we didn't have a mailbox. We were city dwellers.  We must have had a slit on the door where the mail was pushed through. There were a pair our outside doors that led into the vestibule, which was really a tiny space.  The downstairs door was on the right, the apartment for upstairs was on the left. I know, this is yet  *Another Digression, but it's been so very long and I would hate to not remember.

   Grandma often sat on the front porch and Sam would walk up the steps and give us our mail.  My older sister had a pen pal in England and when I was old enough,  I must have written letters too and received replies, because I was always so excited to get the mail.

   As I mentioned, in a previous blog, I moved out at age 23, so the mail then,  was of course, mostly bills. Still, I was always excited to get mail because there was always the element of surprise.

   I was, and I doubt this will surprise you, a letter writer. And so, there was always the hope that mixed in with the bills, would be a friend's response,  or maybe an invitation to a party or a package from a company I had complained to. this leads to Another Digression which I think is usually a good thing. Stories are what this blog is really about, and I have plenty to tell. And so.........

   I  wrote a letter to the tootsie roll pop company complaining that the chocolate tootsie inside had shrunk over the years and it was distressing to me. I am an admitted chocoholic, and I don't believe there is a 12 step program for it. And that is a good thing because I wouldn't go because I don't want to quit.  No willingness there for me.

  I received a response and a package of tootsie pops. I just looked them up and there is  a Tootsie Industries. I thought they were a subsidiary of a larger candy maker. Wow. They survived.  They were very proud to be the oldest candy maker online. Huh? Online? 

      Anyway.  Their response was really funny . They pointed out that when I was a child I was little and that maybe the center hadn't gotten smaller; I had gotten bigger and it was my growth that changed my recollection.  Still, they replied and sent me actual product. A half dozen Tootsie Pops. I still believe the centers shrank.

  This may seem like a digression, but it isn't. It's a verbal  picture of the subtle changes that brought us to the present day. 

    I'm not sure where I got the penchant for complaining to corporations, possibly my Aunt Mildred. Since it's her advice I remember and still use. Always complain to the CEO. Start with the top and you'll get results. And she was right until the past 6 or 7 years. And oh, the other complaining, also known as kvetching is cultural.

   Some years later I complained to another manufacturer about their product. Whatever it was doesn't matter because what I got was coupons. That really ticked me off because I didn't want to use their product any more and they sent me freaking coupons.

    Thanks. I needed the ice in the snow storm.

     There were of course different types of complaints and different circumstances for writing them.  For this discourse, it doesn't matter. Since this is one ginormous digression.

   Sometimes I just wanted an acknowledgement for what I was complaining about. Sometimes an apology. Over the years, I wrote less because I was busy with life and mellowed so, something had to really piss me off to get me to write.  Which brings me to the new way of corresponding. It could be snail mail or email.

   The next level I call being ignored.  The companies must have drafted a new policy to not reply and hope the person would go away. I'm sure that worked often. It takes a lot of energy to follow through on something. Perhaps for some, just getting it out was enough.

    For me, it fueled my righteous indignation and the second letter was possibly a bit hostile. Now, I was not only angry about whatever your company was up to, but to not be acknowledged? That  generally got a response and usually some concession about my complaint. No one likes to be called out for being impolite.

     I'd gone from Tootsie Rolls to being disgruntled about having to pay almost a thousand dollars for anesthesia, because they didn't accept my insurance. Or any insurance as it seems to be these days. Don't get me started about the practice of anesthesiologists. Yes, they may be the most important person in the operating room, but that shouldn't give them license to all become independent contractors and not work for hospitals where they have to work.  Enough. I'm talking a deep breath.

     As usual,  that's not  even the topic that I'm writing about. I'm writing about a cultural loss. This is the Christmas season, and so far I have gotten two Christmas cards from friends,  and five from charities I have donated to. Along with requests for more money. 

     Real  Snail mail has become nearly extinct and it saddens me. 

     I have always been the person who sends you a birthday card, a thank you card, a Christmas card and God forbid, a sympathy card. Sometimes a Get Well or Just thinking of you. I'm not a phone person so it helps me stay in touch. Or it used to.

     This month, I missed three events and I'm not sure what's going on with me. Well, really it's not me.   (denial and rationalization)

     I live in a house that has a curbside mailbox. It's really cool and unlike Great Neck, where I lived right before moving here. I don't have to search for a post  office box to send my mail. I just put it in my mail box and put up a flag. It's so easy. I've gotten spoiled although it's almost unnecessary. How many things do we really send these days? Not many.  But ..............

    Our mailbox is usually full. Sometimes  after bringing the load in, I let it sit on the kitchen counter for two days or OMG, more, before going through it. What's the point? I do still get a couple of paper bills, however I don't change over the paperless out of spite because I want them to spend unnecessary money mailing them to me. I pay them on line and don't need them since I keep track of what I owe.

    Sometimes I need to read the new tax notice or your rates are changing notifications, but generally, I get political mail, charities asking for donations, post cards from realtors, local news papers that are really advertisements for local businesses, chances to win lotteries, invitations to retirement planning dinners and Medicare plan advice. I may have left something out. Oh my God. How could I forget my shopping catalogs? 

    Generally when I read the mail, I do it standing next to the paper recycling box we have in the kitchen and only open a charity letter if I think it is a confirmation of a donation I will need for my taxes. Usually it's not. And so, nine tenths of what we received is immediately put in the trash. This is why we need to recycle?

     When I lived in Great Neck, I usually got home from work,  around the time Billy our mail man was filling the locked letter boxes. It was great. We would talk about what was going on in the building and shoot the breeze. He was a really nice guy. Once, I asked him which season was the worst, assuming it would be Christmas. I was wrong. It was the  November elections. What does that tell us about how our money is being spent? I will not Digress.

      So, My question is; is it time to give up the ghost of Christmas past? Why do I pay for an account with an online greeting card company so I can send  cool animated cards to those whose email addresses I have? I can send very nice cards. For gifts, I can send them a credit card from a store they like, although I did find out that Louis Vuitton will not do that online. You must come into the store.  Walmart's on the other hand probably doesn't care if you use a stolen credit card. I just slapped myself in the face for being bad.

     So, why do we still even have a post office? My stomach cringed when I wrote that. The last thing I want to do is put people out of work. I really like our mailwoman and I know the people at our local post office too. Of course, they still deliver packages from Amazon and the other online stores I buy from. That's not the issue.

     I am aging and  watching the world change in ways I thought impossible twenty or thirty years ago. I have to change along with it or I won't survive.  That doesn't mean I like all of the new ways. It seems that whatever your age, you are nostalgic for the years that have gone by. Every generation will be nostalgic about something. This is one of mine.

    My email box is as bad as my regular mail box. At least there I can click on spam if I don't want to receive the advertisements, or unsubscribe to what I don't want to get. And it doesn't waste paper or kill trees. It probably uses energy that somehow goes back to oil which in my mind is worse.

   I do like to get notices of sales from some stores, so I don't want to spam them so some days I have 40 messages.  At least when I throw them in the trash, I don't have to pick up a carton and move it to the garage.

   Still. The excitement is gone. Both from snail and email. When I first met my husband, 17 years ago, the movie you've got mail was playing. He took me to see It and it was charming. You only got mail that you expected. There wasn't quite so much junk back then. Now, my single friends get pictures of a guys junk as a way of introduction. No thank you.

    Now, it's Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza  season and I miss getting  the cards. I miss reading the newsletter inserted in some, even if I thought it was kind of weird to put in a card. I don't exactly miss writing and mailing them, which I did. And I almost always wrote something personal in the card because if you're my friend, I don't want you to just be a person on a list that I don't distinguish  as I put your name in the card. If memory serves me, I used to send out over 60 cards.

  I suppose it may be being thought of, which I miss. The email and texts have such and impersonal feel. No matter how many emoticons you use. 

   My brand of person is becoming extinct. There is not DNA for letter writing. It's only a tradition from long ago. It is a choice that I shall have to make.

   The e -world may be faster and easier and I know there's no going back.  But I feel sorry for the generation who won't find an old photograph of someone they haven't seen, or a hidden box of love letters tied in a ribbon or a note from a long deceased, beloved grandma.

   Theory. With progress comes loss.

 

My grandma's signing my 8th grade graduation book.

Ancesters What we hope to learn about ourselves from learning about them.

  


What do I hope to learn?

      My first immediate response, is nothing.  That may well be my theory after I write this, but who knows? I don't usually bother to think before I write, so your guess may even be better than mine.

      I have joined, and unjoined and rejoined the ancestors site now, for the third time. They keep enticing me with emails.  "you have 33 possible clues to your family tree". They let you see them, but not to actually view the content. Tease you so they can get you to grease their palms. Well, if the internet had palms. I like figures of speech. I hate mathematical figures. Go figure.
 
     Previously, I only spent money on the US searches. That didn't get me very far. If you remember (LOL) my post about the roadshow, I mentioned that my families came from Russia and Poland and so the hopes of finding that much in the US were limited.

     This time, the special for 6 months of world wide information was, too much to pass by. I haven't started to look yet. I'm still finished with setting up Christmas. Also, the post before last will explain about the nice (or not so nice) Jewish woman doing Christmas.

      I am also a little worried about looking around the world. Hard as it may seem to you, I don't know Russian or Polish. I can't speak them and I surely can't read them. In my secret thought, that I just realized I have at this very moment, is that I am hoping they have some sort of translation program or I am screwed.

     I can read Hebrew, but not Yiddish. For those of you who don't know the difference I'll see if I do.

    I believe the alphabet is the same. I surely hope so. Even though I can "read" I'm not sure my skills are better than a third grader. The problem is that they are two different languages. Yiddish is actually more a combination of German and some Hebrew and who knows what else thrown into the mix. Ironic if you think about it. Heil, you know who.

   I can liken it to reading English and Spanish. Yes, I can read the words. And in Spanish I may even understand some of them.  However, I do not know the meaning of all the words. And in Yiddish, they don't have vowels so even if I try, I probably won't even be able to sound them out.

   The real question though, is why are we so curious about where we came from.  I've watched some of the episodes on TV where famous people are flown around the world, given translations and get to find out amazing stories. ( *AD) Yeah, like being famous isn't enough of a perk. You don't have to track it down yourself, pay for a translator and find out you come from a family of Russian peasants who, if you are lucky, were a healthy lot. Translate that into fat with curly, frizzy hair.

    Do most of us secretly believe we came from better than we are now which make us better now?  I know I don't. (*AD)  It does remind me of the search for past lives. I guess I haven't mentioned it yet.  My specialty before I stopped working, was doing past life regression therapy. It's really only psychotic people who believe they were (or still are) Cleopatra or Napoleon).

    During the regressions, most people were regular people like they are now. They usually want to understand why a relationship is so fraught with conflict or why they can't find their soul mate.
      In any case, I never met anyone who was famous in a previous life. Or this one for that matter.  (end of this digression about regression)

      Curiosity. Pocket Oxford Dictionary, 1927 edition defines curious as: Eager to learn, inquisitive, prying, puzzling, inviting, and the desire to know the details of something.  I definitely like details. Unfortunately I now have trouble remembering them.

      A curious child is every teachers dream. Generally, we are only curious about some things. Usually not geography, history, foreign languages or math. Unless of course it pertains to our favorite subject. Ourselves.  (or sex which you hope will pertain to yourself).

      The topic most people are most interested is, as was just stated,  you got it, ourselves.  I'll admit that caring about oneself is essential to survival. I do believe that our culture has taken it to an art form and not all art forms are pretty.

      I too, am a product of the culture I grew up in. I am interested in me. Fortunately I am also interested in other people and  society and even things that go bump in the night. Get your minds out of the gutter.

      It's as if, if I know my roots I'll find something to explain who I am. Why I am. I don't know why just being isn't enough. It never has been for me. Granted, I am curious about many things, which you will note as you read on, because my topics are, at least seem to me, to be smatterings of many topics. I try to tie them together with a theory, and unfortunately for you, my favorite theory that works for everything is in our DNA.

      I will do my  ancester searching and if I'm lucky I'll find out something I don't already know. Something that might help me on my road to self discovery although many people would ask me why I am bothering at this stage of my life.

      Kick back and relax. Chill.  Do the things you couldn't when you were working. Those appear to be difficult to my nature. Not that I don't kick back. The relaxing part is where I seem to go wrong. I'm always in a hurry. I ask myself, why the rush?  I always feel like there is something I have to finish. Or start. I tell myself that all I'm doing is rushing to my own funeral. It should slow me down  but  I can't keep it in mind long enough.

      I was just out, running errands and having lunch with a friend. I left so I could come home and do the things I left undone.

           I had to stop for gas and was lost in thought. I pulled in at a pump and realized it was the wrong side of the car.  For the last 9 years  the driver side was the side I needed. For the last 8 months it changed. I thought I was okay remembering where to go and haven't made that mistake in ages.  So, I swung the car around so I'd be on the side where the gas cap is, and hit the front end of my bumper on the rubber guard around the pump.
   I gassed up and figured I should look and see if I did any damage. It didn't sound so bad.


     WRONG!  It's a bloody mess. Okay. I can make myself feel better. My father was my first and only ancestor to drive a car. And I'm betting that no one in the family, on either side had enough money for a mule or horse or anything else that was driven.  So, considering that I come from a long line of non-drivers, I'm doing really ,really well.

      Did I already write a piece about denial? Or rationalization?   Those are good topics too.

I have an old photo of my mother's mother's family. It's on Pinterest and I can't find it on the computer. I'm sure I did it before my hard drive crashed and I can't figure out how to convert it.

The cherry on the top of my cake for today.  Oh well. I like cake. Or Brioche as the French say.
  

Mom's Dad

Dad, pantless and his parents

My mom and dad and my Grandma.

    

MEA CULPA

 


     Okay. Since no one read me my Miranda rights, I think I'm safe in saying I'm guilty.
The question, is, of what?

   Today's I'll choose from one of the many things I am guilty of. This crime is passing on misinformation on Facebook and in emails. I'm really glad it's not a capital crime. Our court system is already backlogged as it is. Now I'm wondering if there is some kind of law about this. This is my brain, not on drugs.

    I do not recall what email I forwarded the first time I was admonished for not checking my facts. I was mortified. I was sent to Snopes for that one, and yes, I was wrong.
    Upstanding citizen that I am, I sent a second email correcting the first one. *AD  If you still pass those emails claiming that you will get money for passing emails, you need more help than I do.

    Since that time, I try to do my due diligence when reading a post or getting an email. As is often the case, the facts are spurious or sometimes, partially correct.

    I was reminded of this recently with regards to the Goodwill Industries post on FB. I don't know why, but I chose to believe it. I was horrified. Because.........

    We donate there a lot , mostly because it's so close to our house that it makes it soooooo easy. And like everyone else, we're too lazy to go out of our way. (I'm hanging my head in shame but you can't see it)
      The place I started to donate recently,  even before hearing this is Safespace, for abused women. Still, it's a schlep to  get there, so unless I'm headed that way I'm now have a dilemma. 

     ACTION      This morning I looked Goodwill up on Wiki. Wiki's site is also controversial since some of the people's contributions are made by me (well twice) and other individuals who may not know the facts.

     However, the majority of their information is fact checked by authorities so I still like to see what they have to say. The beginning of the selection seemed to contradict the post. The structure of the org. was described, as was the number of people employed, money generated etc. They appear to do a lot of good but are both a profit and nonprofit organization. A hybrid. Hmmm.  I wonder how that works.

    As I read on, I saw in the index, (remember my short term memory issues) a section I'll call, complaints or controversies.

    There were the accusations that appeared on FB.  For instance, one of the CEO's was making let's say, $794,000 a year. After this came out, that person agreed to take a 25% pay cut which brings them down to $774,150. I don't know who that person will survive.  I know. I did the math twice. It certainly sounds like a lot, but if you think about it, if you have a dollar and you spend a quarter, you still have 75 cents. (AD Do they have a cents symbol on the computer?  I can't seem to find it.)

    Paying the disabled less than minimum wage is legal and their argument for doing it is that if the law didn't exist, many disabled people would not be able to get jobs. Sure, but is it illegal to pay them minimum wage ? Because don't you think that's  the right thing to do?  Especially when the company heads are raking in really big bucks.

   One point is, that after the person posted it, she  then commented  that the information was incorrect. I was rather confused. Which you may notice is not so difficult to do if you have the knack. However, the post remained, until just before when I tried to find it and it was gone.  Of course, now I have to look the information up, and, well, it's not so completely wrong. They are doing  all the things that the post said they were. Only now I can't fact check the post because it's missing.

    Here again is my upside down world. Just because it's legal to pay certain people a lower wage, doesn't' mean you have to. Does it?  And just because you work really, really hard to help people doesn't mean you are entitled to a huge salary. Does it? Also, if you work hard or not, or you help people or you don't, you're not entitled to a huge salary when your employees can't pay the mortgage.  Just saying. Okay, I'm not sure the word entitled is the one I should use since it seems everyone in this country seems to feel entitled to something.   Thusly?

     I'm sure Goodwill provides a lot of work for people without skills. That helps some of the population. Although here in Florida, minimum wage usually means you  are entitled to work two jobs if you hope to make ends meet.  The profit part of the organization must be doing well, since they can afford to pay themselves huge salaries.

     I want to clarify that I too, may have some of my facts wrong.  I forgot to take notes  while reading the article, so the salaries and who made the compromise may be mixed up.  I now seem to recall that the head CEO had a salary that made him a 0ne Percenter. I'm reasonably certain that would be more than $794,000.  Maybe he took the 25% solution. 

     Anyhow. I'm supposed to be theorizing. Not just standing on my soap box so I'll look taller. (I'm 5'3" and feel short) *AD (digression).  Apparently greed is a strong part of human nature. Hoarding probably helped us survive when we were cave men. All it does now is make us want more, even when we don't need it.

    Now, if everyone had enough, it wouldn't be a big deal. It certainly wouldn't bother me. Maybe. Probably.   But I doubt that that has ever been the case on this planet earth.  

    There will always be people getting the short straws. Sometimes they are responsible for it. There are people who want to be taken care of and do not want to work or help themselves. My heart does not go out to you if you purposely fuck up your life.   
      
        Unfortunately I'm going out on a limb and guess that it is a hell of a lot more than just 1 % of the population.  It's a sorry state of affairs for which I have no answer.   Notwithstanding that, there are many, many people who have bad things happen to them and given the chance, would be able to dig themselves out of the hole they were pushed in. That's where organizations like Goodwill should come in.

     Right now you may think I'm sounding a little bit too much like a communist or socialist. God forbid. I'm neither. No. I'm just saying that the trickle down  money isn't trickling. I think someone should call in a plumber because it seems that maybe the hole where it trickles from, got stopped up and since the back flow is so slow, the people who should allow the trickle haven't noticed they have more than they are supposed to.

      So, what am I guilty of?  Believing that if it's written, it's true. I'm guilty of trusting others when I should know better. I'm guilty of donating to many charities that I haven't looked up.

     I don't do New Years Resolutions. I do, however,make plans to do things differently, like: organize things better and improve myself, even though I am perfect as I am. LMAO
     After I finish doing all the things on my list, i.e. : decorating for Christmas, cleaning up the detritus from redoing my room and Christmas, organizing my new file cabinet and other stuff I don't remember, I'll be sure to look up my charities. That will be easy since I write the check at my desk with the computer is right in front of me. No excuses. Easy Peasy.

    That's it for this topic. At least for today. Have a Happy.

keep scrolling down. For some reason, the comments are not close to the end of the writing of the blog. And I know you want to write comments and can't. You who have access to me, have told me.  I sent a comment to the survey people about answering my question,( which it didn't,) so I still don't know what's wrong.  And I'm reasonably certain they won't answer me either.

But keep scrolling. You never know what you may find.





I wanted to put a picture of the FB post, so I looked for it. It's not there anymore. I have a need to put a picture up, because, like a three year old, I like to have pictures in my magazine. Or blog.   So here is a totally unrelated photo..

Last year our friends and My husband and I went to Miami to the outdoor antique fair. As you can see, it rained. So I bought a French bowler hat from an English woman. This has nothing to do with today's theory. I  just like  visuals.
keep scrolling.