CAN SELFISHNESS, SELF-CENTEREDNESS BE A FORM OF SELF-PROTECTION?

    I was recently involved in a conversation with a group of my friends that was trying to understand selfishness, which has a very negative connotation.
    A better term, it was decided, was self-care. We talked about it and though it was stimulating it was also distressing.
    You see, I was told by both my parents, shortly after my divorce, that I was selfish.
And my current husband has told me I am self-absorbed. This morning.

   Not nice labels to be given. Even if think them to be partially true.

   After the talk with my friends, I tried to think back to when I began to be a selfish person. If you recall, I don't recall much of my childhood.

baby me

   I do vividly remember when my mother had the talk with me. Not the birds and bees talk. The "your sister has epilepsy and so we aren't going to be able to treat you equally talk."
  It went something like this.

 Mom: "Your sister has a condition that makes her different. She has petit mal seizures, where she blacks out for a few seconds. When you walk to school be mindful that she doesn't walk without looking."
    "She also has problems at school and making friends. Not like you. You're good at whatever you do. Therefore, in order not to make her feel bad, we aren't going to praise you or make a fuss when you do well. We don't want her to feel worse than she already does.  We know you'll understand and help us."

Me: probably shocked silence. I was 8 and not exactly prepared for this type  of talk. If I responded, I have no idea how.

Jan's Sweet 16. Polka dress, me at 14

     I don't know how long after that, the hurt and resentment began. It was also the reason that I never took art lessons because that was the one thing Jan was good at and I didn't want to take that away. Or maybe I wouldn't have. She most likely was better at that and I wouldn't have liked that. Does that make me a bad person?

     It was like I had a non-compete clause in a contract that I was forced to sign.  Since I was a minor, my parents signed off for me. I had no choice.

    I'm thinking that what occurred appeared to be selfishness, but was actually self-protection.

   When I look at myself I can see through several lenses.  I'm several people. In many ways I am very generous. I like to give gifts, or buy things for my friends, husband and grandkids. I have given my professional hours to some patients pro bono or at extremely cheap rates, because I knew they couldn't afford therapy but really needed it. I have compassion for others and my husband gets angry at me because I am too empathetic.

    I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. Just trying to show some of the sides of who I am. I have given my time and energy to organizations I belonged to and activities at my places of work. I trained three interns at work and was asked to mentor another one or two.
    Several years ago I learned to ask myself what my motives were in doing certain things. An example would be,  when I first started to buy my husband clothes, it was because I didn't like the way he dressed.(sorry hon)   Then he started to appreciate style and developed his own. I still buy him things, only now with his taste in mind, but I do it because I know he likes to get presents. I do it the make him feel good, and that makes me feel good.

   Giving makes me feel good. Which could be seen as selfish in the sense that I'm doing it for me. It's like a no win game.

Benny Boo Boo

  I give to one charity that does dog rescues.(Southern Comfort Maltese Rescue). I know the woman who runs it, as we adopted Benny from her. And I know that she needs every penny she can get because she takes in animals with such special needs that cost lots of money and I want to be helpful to her and the dogs she takes in.

  I've given to many charities over the years, but since the Goodwill thing, I now have to do research. It's a two fold thing. I want the income tax benefit, but I also want to help.



me and cousin George's daughter Jessica

  Usually, I have what I consider more than enough, so sharing it seems like the right thing to do.

  So, how am I selfish? I suppose it's because I put my needs first. And the need that is the biggest issue is my need for my own time. Also, my trouble switching from one activity to another makes spontaneity an issue. If I'm reading and my husband wants to talk to me I get annoyed. I learned to put the book down but I can't do it all the time. I keep myself busy when I'm home so he's always interrupting something. At least that's how he sees it. And that is how I feel it.

   Am I self-absorbed? Sure. I am trying to understand who I am, where I'm headed, sometimes how I got here. I get that not everyone cares about those things, but I do.

   But aren't we all self-absorbed?  Even when we're obsessing about someone else, it's really not about them. It's about us.

   And it usually comes from a place of fear. What will people think of us? What do I think of myself? What if someone really knew me? What can I do to make people like me? Why can't I like myself? What am I afraid of?
   The answer to that is slightly different depending on who you are. A common theme is being unlovable. Unworthy. Not good enough.

THEORY:

FEAR

People who lack confidence come off as being either selfless or selfish.
Fear creates personas that we learn and become over the years. We take as Gospel what people tell us. Especially if it's negative.

We become what we are told we are. We don't question it, except as adolescents and then revert back to our younger years by the haunting voices of our parents, teachers and peers.

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW:

   I think I am pissed off. I'm tired of being labeled. If you think I'm self absorbed, look in the mirror.

   If you or I think I'm self-absorbed, why should I care?
   Why should I care about what anyone thinks except me?  I'm tired of listening and accepting  the proclamations of all those wonderful people around me who have no problems at all. Except for me.

  So, please take a good hard look at yourself before you go telling other people what their problems are.
     THANK YOU.