Bra's and why they don't fit and aren't comfortable.

  Wow. I actually was able to copy that from an online image.  I suppose that's as good a place to start as any.

This past season, my husband and I were watching Blunt Talk on Showtime. It was really funny. On one of the shows, they started talking about the shape of women's breasts and had actual classifications. They used three. I could only recall one. I just asked my husband and he could only remember one also. The same one.

The champagne glass. This was considered the "best" in show (LOL).  Two of the women at the table had the other types of breasts. The men were very nice and of course, told the women they liked those too. *(AD)  We all know men have preferences, but when they are with a naked woman, they don't care what type, as long as it's a pair.  I suppose.

I had to do a search on shapes  just now to see if I could find the other two types. Turns out, there are quite a number of types and descriptions which I decided to try to narrow down. Somewhat.

First, I am trying to discuss the shape, not  the size.  In some cases it matters, in others it doesn't. What the men on the show considered the best were referred to as "champagne". Like champagne glasses are.  Round with (I can't believe I'm writing this) with a how do I even say this? How about a nipple in proportion and of a nice rosy color .  Rather like my face while I'm writing this.

The terms vary and I'm not putting in photos of naked boobs. Probably.

One site I looked at had photos of real people. One woman's  chest looked cockeyed.  Wrong word. I just looked it up. Drunk; they weren't;  a bit awry perhaps. It was like she needed to see an ophthalmologist because they were facing her armpits.   Which, if I were a man looking at her, I might find disconcerting. You know. Making eye contact. And we all know that most men don't look you in the eyes. They look you in the boobs. Where would he look? Would he keep sweeping his eyes back and forth? I get dizzy thinkin about it.

I changed my mind. I was able to copy and paste these renderings.

This is from one of the sites I found.

One was called "swooping" which from the side looked a bit like a ski lift. Not as bad as Bob Hope's nose, but you get the idea. Probably from the front they look perky and may be looking at the ceiling.

The next were "sagging". I think most women of a certain bigger size, age, or after childbirth know what this means. Hanging your head in sorrow. Looking down.. If they were really large, probably looking at and reaching the floor. Sorry ladies.

Not too long ago I was asked if mine sagged. At a family gathering. I was the only small breasted woman at the event,   [can I call myself  not large breasted, since  all the other women are?] Anyway,  I told them no. Which is true. In my "size'" I said they just slid down a little. *(AD) I heard that many years ago from Suzanne Pleshette  on the Tonight Show. She said they used to be up here, and now there're down here.  That's the way it is. Thank you.

One site I looked at had photos of real people. Just their torsos. One woman's looked cockeyed.  Wrong word. Just looked it up. Drunk, they weren't, a bit awry they were. It was like she needed to see an ophthalmologist because they were facing her armpits.   Which if I were a man looking at her, I might find disconcerting. You know. Making eye contact. And we all know that most men don't look you in the eyes. They look you in the boobs. Man, that would make me dizzy.

Other's were just called small. They are also known, unkindly as mosquito bites, eggs, sunny side up and flat chested. Women are very self conscious about this. I imagine almost as bad as a man with a very little penis. Almost.  The jokes on the men. At least women can have breast augmentation surgery.  Finally. Something else besides childbirth that only women can do.  YAY LADIES!


 The one's that are labeled tubular;  I'm trying to imagine those. Long and thin?  From the side drawing it was hard to say.  They look how I feel during a mammogram.

Then, my favorite, was snoopy. Yeah. Like my favorite dog. It was like the swoop, only the nipples were larger and sloping up.

What have we learned boys and girls?  That women's breasts come in a zillion different shapes and sizes, and change over the years.  Not that any of this should be new. Although I do remember years and years ago when I realized that not all women's breasts looked the same.   It wasn't like I had been exposed to many real women during my younger years. I saw breasts occasionally in movies, but back then, even that was held to a minimum. And mine seemed to look like those I saw. I will disclose. Champagne.  Doesn't matter because my  bra's were always uncomfortable. And they still are.  And that's really why I'm writing this.

I won't blame the manufacturers, because they seem to make so many different styles and sizes that one should be able to find something that is flattering, not flattening and comfortable. Apparently that is too much to ask.  I guess I am blaming them. Why not? I like to blame companies.

For a number of years, in my early twenties, I stopped wearing bras. It was liberating because it was comfortable. I was a feminist but I shaved.

For men, who may not understand, even though there are hooks and elastic in the bands, in order for them to stay in place, they need to be a little bit tight. Or they ride up or fall down. Then, why bother putting it on?
 Guys, think about Thanksgiving. You finished your wonderful meal and are sitting at the table. Your waistband is beginning to pull and you're getting that feeling. So, you do what you can. You unbutton the top button and yes.  You can almost breathe again.  This is never an option for ladies. Well, hardly ever.

Only in extreme circumstances would a woman take off her bra.  If she can do it discreetly, she will. I guess.


           A Story about a third or fourth date

    This couple went out dancing for the evening. It was a nice.  The woman was wearing a little black dress that required a strapless bra. For those of you who know and those of you who don't, they have to be really, really tight because at least with regular bra's, the straps help hold them up.  So, while the couple was dancing, the woman was losing her bra. It was sliding around like a dancer on a pole. It was driving her crazy and was interfering with her ability to dance and enjoy her date. She excused herself to go to the ladies. In the stall, she took it off and breathed a sigh of relief.  She then realized she had a new problem. What would she do with it? She only had a tiny evening purse and no jacket. Fuck. She was going to throw it in the trash, but she just couldn't. They can be pricy and when not dancing or jumping around for long periods, useful. What to do, what to do.
    She decided to be brave. She came out, holding it tightly in her hands and went to her date and asked if he could put it in his jacket pocket. Duh? in a flash it disappeared.  Later,quite some time later, he told her that he thought that she must some real live wire. Taking off her bra and giving it to him?  He thought he hit pay dirt. Poor guy.  He didn't know that desperate times call for desperate measures. That didn't make her a desperate woman.


Back to the point
    As a woman, do you have this problem too?  I know some friends who do, but unless you shop together it's not a topic that's going to arise. I've even used  one of those women who come to the department stores to measure you, because they always say you're wearing the wrong size.
    She measured me and brought me the size I wore for years and they were ultimately still not comfortable.
    I tried sports bras for a short time, but they not only make you look flat chested, they're tight and cut into your back and shoulders.

   So, any ideas? Other than braless because I am still vain and don't like looking  flat and think everyone knows that I don't have one on, and I get self-conscious.

   And no. I will not be having surgery as a solution. Although, I hear they stand up by themselves which could mean no bra is really needed. Hmmm.   

You would think I would find one that fits and flatters. Humbug.